Nursery photos!

Well, the nursery isn't completely finished, but it won't be until after my shower on February 1, so I thought I'd post some mostly-done pictures. We're in love with it... it's the only room in the apartment where everything matches! Sorry the pictures look so gloomy. It's snowing here yet again, but I promise it's a bright and happy yellow room when the sun shines in!

This is the view from the door.

The wonderful big (and usually very sunny) window!

My nursing glider... I sit in it once in awhile just to look around the room. I made that lampshade, by the way, out of an extra valence that came with the bedding set. (It was a plain white lampshade before.) The little table is just temporary-- Tyler's dad is building us one to match the rest of our nursery furniture.

Changing table with quilt hanging above it and diaper stacker. I found that fold-up travel swing on the right at a yard sale for ridiculously cheap. Actually, everything in this room came from a yard sale except the changing table and glider.

And the crib! The thing hanging on it is a playmat that I made by cutting up the bumper that came with our bedding set. I'm too paranoid to use the bumper since there have been all those studies that show they may increase the risk of SIDS, so we have the breathable mesh kind on there instead. I didn't want to waste the cute bumper, though! I left the ties on the ends to tie rattles and toys to so they don't get away from the baby while it's playing.

So there it is... our bumblebee nursery. It has a bookshelf on another wall that's already filling up with baby books, and a nice big walk-in closet too, which we are in the process of organizing. I love it!!

A quick update on other things: the contractions are somewhat better, I think resting has helped a lot. I still constantly feel like I'm in early labor, though, so that is... exhausting. Tyler is in New Zealand (!) for the next two and a half weeks, on a trip with some other geology and paleontology students. I'm really jealous (and pretty lonely and bored), but he'll be back soon enough. It's weird-- he's been planning this trip for so long that I always think of it as "sometime a long time from now, Tyler will go to New Zealand, and then after that we'll have the baby." And now he's there, so that means baby is coming really soon! Ack! Nine weeks until my due date is not a very long time... here's hoping baby stays put for at least another six.

29 weeks: maternity photos

Well, Tyler and I have been snowed in for the last couple of days, so we've been passing the time by organizing the nursery (pics soon, it's almost done!) and taking a few amateur maternity pics to remember my hugeness by...

I wanted to take them before I got too enormous and bloated, and before any stretch marks developed (I know they're coming, I just don't know when)... we don't want to scare anyone, now do we? :) Seriously though, strangers have been looking at my belly and saying "awww, how exciting, a Christmas baby!" Fortunately, I have so far restrained myself from following this up with a nice big Christmas kick to the shins.

Happy holidays to everyone!

Suddenly a stay-at-home mom...

...at least in the short term. I made a big decision this week. I decided to take the upcoming semester off from school, possibly the whole year.

My contractions have continued since last Friday... now that I have been able to rest a little, it seems like they only start up when I'm active, which stinks because I like to be active, but at least I don't feel like I'm constantly on the edge of going into labor. It's more of an uncomfortable thing, instead of a dangerous thing. I've seen my OB three times this week (getting a little sick of that!) and she says that some women just contract throughout the last part of their pregnancies due to an "irritable uterus", and although she can't predict when I'll deliver, it is likely to be somewhat early and I will just be very uncomfortable for the remainder of my pregnancy. She said I should stop working if I can, so that's what I'm going to do.

Okay, uncomfortable. I can deal with that. Pregnancy isn't exactly a walk in the park anyway towards the end, right? I'll take uncomfortable with my baby still inside me any day over comfortable with my baby in the NICU. I do have the terbutaline, but it doesn't work unless I take the maximum dose, so I just try to rest as much as I can to keep the contractions from starting in the first place.

(Side note: "irritable uterus". Haha. Hahahahaha. Doesn't it just make sense that even my uterus is grouchy?)

So, back to my leave of absence from school. I don't think I'm as happy about it as I should be. I should be thrilled that I can sleep in, and get the nursery done, and read my parenting books, and most of all I should be ecstatic that I get to spend more than 6 weeks with my baby. And don't get me wrong, I am, but it's hard not to feel anxious about missing so much school when I've worked so hard to get where I am. I feel sad about the fact that most likely I won't graduate with my class, and I'm going to miss my friends and just being around people, because this means I'll be alone in the apartment a lot since Tyler doesn't get home until 7:30 at night. I'll miss taking care of patients and being in clinic, because even though it's stressful (too stressful for me at this point, with these complications), I do enjoy it and it really is what I want to do with mylife. I never saw myself being a stay-at-home mom for any period of time because I've always been so focused on my career, but I know that this will be time with my baby that I'll never get back, and I don't think I will regret taking this time to be home. I definitely know that I have to do everything I can to try to keep my baby from coming early, and since it doesn't really matter exactly when I graduate and we don't need my student loan income to live, this is the right thing to do. Tyler is relieved that I won't be running around in the clinic anymore, and as he pointed out, it certainly will make things easier for him now that I'll be home! We won't need the very expensive daycare, for one thing.

I guess this is just one more lesson for me in the School of Things Don't Always Go As Planned. I've always been such a control freak about my life. I don't believe that anything is "meant to be", I've always believed that it's you and the decisions that you make that determine what happens to you, but honestly I'm starting to wonder...

I did need to learn that sometimes you have to work around things that happen rather than working to make things happen, and I have definitely learned that by now! I wonder what else I have in store for me.

Preterm WHAT??

I told this baby a few months ago that I didn't want to go back to L&D until I deliver, but apparently he or she is as stubborn as his or her father... (what?? It's definitely not from my side of the family.)

I woke up this morning around 4 and then again around 6 with intense cramping and, ah, digestive issues. I also had a little bit of spotting, which freaked me out, but I went to school anyway because I had to do a root canal this morning and, oh right, I am an idiot. I guess I went because I felt okay when it came time to go to school, and the spotting was just a tiny little bit and it had stopped. Anyway, I got to school and googled it (FYI, if you are pregnant, do not google "bleeding in third trimester" unless you really want to freak yourself out), and decided I'd better call my OB. The doctor on call said that I should probably go in to get the bleeding checked out, but it sounded like just a GI issue.

So I reluctantly left school a half hour after I'd arrived, and went home to get Tyler before heading to L&D (labor and delivery). By this time I was having some cramping off and on-- it didn't exactly hurt, but it was uncomfortable. I didn't say anything to Tyler, he seemed anxious enough as it was... We checked in and they hooked me up to some monitors, and as soon as the nurse got it on my belly she pointed at the screen and said "look, see? That's a contraction... how far along are you again?"

So, okay, this is something that no pregnant woman and her partner ever wants to hear at 28 weeks. We stared at her in a kind of horrified way and she said "well, we'll just watch it for awhile, I'll go call your doctor" and left the room while Tyler and I silently freaked out. A couple minutes went by and I had a stronger contraction. Another few minutes, and another one. That's when I realized that they were regular and timeable and I started to feel panicky, because that means it's the real deal, not just Braxton Hicks. Tyler started pacing around the room and hovering over me nervously while I stared at the ceiling and tried not to cry.

Soon my doctor came rushing in, and she and the nurse somehow produced this ridiculously enormous spotlight out of nowhere to shine on my lady business while she did an internal exam to see if I was dilated. (My first internal: not pleasant. That's all I will say about that.) She said that the baby was high up and my cervix was still closed, so I wasn't considered to be in preterm labor-- it was just preterm contractions that weren't efficient enough to dilate my cervix. And even though I know that means I could have gone into labor if I hadn't gone in to L&D (and wow am I glad I went in, because I was strongly considering staying at school), I can't tell you how much better that made me feel. She said they'd monitor me for awhile and give me terbutaline to stop the contractions, and she took a swab for a fetal fibronectin test.

The test came back negative, meaning that I have a high probability of not delivering within the next two weeks. My OB said that it was a very positive sign, but that was all they could really tell me for now. Luckily I have my regular appointment tomorrow so I can ask if this puts me at a higher risk for preterm delivery, because I was too scatterbrained today to ask.

Anyway, what a nightmare. To top it off, before we left the nurse told me I should consider this a "wake-up call" and start taking better care of myself... WTF?? I don't know what I could possibly be doing wrong, other than being stressed about clinic, which I really can't avoid. And I guess I should be drinking more water. I eat well, I work out, I sleep as much as I can, and I don't do anything physically strenuous. I didn't really know what to say to her, but it's been really bothering me tonight. She didn't say it in a mean way, but I still can't help but feel like she was kind of accusing me of not caring for my baby. Believe me, lady, I worry all the time about whether I'm doing enough for this child. I don't need your "suggestions" about wake-up calls, and I especially don't need them after I've just had a preterm labor scare. Biznatch.

I'm counting my blessings, though, because the baby is still in there and I didn't get put on bedrest! And I guess I got another day off, too, which is always kind of nice.

I think I'll be needing one of these

Meet the Gopher. I found it while searching for closet organizers on Bed Bath and Beyond online. I'm officially getting so lazy and so large that I can't be bothered to bend down and pick things up when I drop them (which is often)... so this super-duper reaching tool is at the top of my Christmas list.

I'm just kidding. I'm not that bad (yet). In fact, for me, the third trimester seems to have come with a burst of energy... or at least motivation. I'm more tired than I have been, but the fact that suddenly the baby seems right around the corner has jolted me into making endless baby to-do lists and knocking things off of them every day. Just this week, I've cleared out the nursery closet, organized the utility/laundry room, put down a deposit on our daycare, signed up for birth classes, reorganized my spring rotation schedule to allow for my maternity leave (which my school kindly failed to do for me, despite the fact that this was the entire reason I informed them that I was pregnant), revamped our baby registry, put together lists of addresses for my shower and for sending out birth announcements (which I also designed, one for a boy and one for a girl), and researched and bought some nursing bras and tanks.

All this in addition to school and some Christmas shopping here and there... whew!! Now that I think about it, I am pretty tired. :) So it's off to watch a movie with Tyler for his 26th birthday, which is today. Belly pic this week, though, I promise! I have to justify my Gopher somehow, right? And what better way than to post a picture of my hugeness for the whole internet to see?

My patients are trying my patience.

27 weeks today-- I should put up a belly pic, but I am too tired to change out of my scrubs and figure out the new camera Tyler and I bought each other for Christmas. (We figured we should be ready take pictures of the baby with something a little better than our iPhones!) I guess this means I'm in the third trimester now... this is all going so fast!

I have something on my mind today that might offend some people who read this blog, because I know it's a lot of pregnant women, many of whom are all about the birth plans. So, I apologize in advance if it does.

This morning, I had a new patient come in for a treatment planning session, where we do a thorough exam and make a plan for all the treatment they're going to need to fix up their mouth. She's a really sweet older lady, I've seen her before on an emergency basis (in fact, she was my first extraction), but today was the day we were going to figure out everything she needed to get done and get approval from all the different departments. After I did her exam, I told her she had moderate periodontal disease and was going to need scaling and root planing (sort of a deep cleaning procedure) in addition to a few fillings and some crowns on her front teeth. She told me she didn't want any sort of gum therapy, she doesn't like to have her teeth cleaned, and she doesn't want crowns-- she just wants this one filling in a front tooth replaced. I tried to explain that at the school, we have to give our patients comprehensive care, and the faculty won't let us place restorations of a type that are likely to fail, and we can't do any kind of restorative work in a mouth that doesn't have a good periodontal status, because essentially it's a waste of the patient's time and money. Anyway, our goal is to get people to have healthy, functional mouths rather than teeth that look okay from the outside but are secretly falling apart. But she just insisted that she had come to the school to get this filling replaced and that was all she wanted. So I had to let her go.

And you know, it's something I've seen with other patients too, although I can usually get them to see my point of view (and they want to stay with the school because the care is so inexpensive). I think it's a really unfortunate trend these days, that patients think they can and should dictate what care they receive. I get that dentistry is a business, and patients are customers to an extent... but the clinic is not a store, and you can't just come in, sit yourself in my chair, and inform me that I'm going to do this filling and nothing else, and furthermore I'm going to put a pin in it because that's the only kind of filling that will stay in your teeth. I mean, seriously?? Why would you even come to me for treatment if you know better than me, and you know exactly how it should be done and I'm just there to do it for you exactly as you specify? What the hell am I going through all of this school for if my patients are going to expect me to do as they say and forget everything I've learned? The irony is, we definitely spend 90% of our time in dental school learning about diagnosis and treatment planning and the "why" of things... and the remaining 10% is spent on physically learning how to do the procedures. And then patients come in with expectations like that. It's really frustrating.

In my opinion, it's a similar situation with the birth plans that pregnant women write to express what they'd like to happen before, during, and after their labor and delivery. Don't get me wrong-- I have certain expectations and wishes for my delivery. I don't want a C-section or an episiotomy. I want an epidural and I want to breastfeed as soon as possible after birth. But you know what? I picked a group of doctors that I trust, who are against unnecessary interventions unless the baby or I are in danger. Beyond that, I'm satisfied to let their superior education and experience be the guide as to what happens to me and my baby. I'm not going to walk into that hospital and and hand everyone a sheet of paper telling them how to do their job.

Patients should have a choice as to what happens to their bodies, that's definitely a basic human right. But there needs to be some kind of limit to that, and that limit seems to be getting pushed further into ridiculous territory as patients get more "empowered" when it comes to their care. If a doctor or dentist caves into a patient's demands even though they know deep down that it's not best for the patient, they are doing that patient a disservice because they went to school so that they would know better.

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind today... I can tell this is going to be an issue for the rest of my career, so that's pretty frustrating to me.

Greetings from North Dakota

And a belated Happy Thanksgiving! Tyler and I left the pets with my parents and flew out to the (very) rural town of Marmarth, ND this week to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. I love my in-laws and the rest of Tyler's family, so it's worth the long trip to get out here. Unfortunately, the little town they live in is three hours from the nearest airport... and this time, we bought tickets when oil was super high, so the cheapest flight we could find went from Hartford to Philadelphia to Denver to Rapid City. Yuck. And in case anyone pregnant was wondering, US Airways does not, in fact, supply airsickness bags, which means you may be forced to vomit repeatedly into a Ziploc bag containing Tums with holes in the bottom, while your husband pretends he doesn't know you, and everyone around you looks completely disgusted. Not that this is something with which I have recently had precise experience or anything.

Anyway, we got here and we've been having a great time. It's so relaxing to get out of Connecticut for a change, and I've been needing this break since I started school way back in July! I haven't done a single speck of schoolwork, which has been amazing... and I've been eating ridiculous amounts of delicious Thanksgiving food (I'm not messing around... we're talking entire pies here, people). I love seeing my two little nieces, too-- and watching Tyler play with them is so cute. One of them is almost two, and the other is only three months old. Usually, thinking about my baby seems so abstract and unreal because I don't ever spend time around any babies or kids. But being with little baby Jaxyn is a reality check for me... in a good way. She's a fussy baby and cries a lot, but she's so adorable, and I guess it just reminds me that this is something that people do every day, and it's not some big scary unknown.

So it's been great to relax, especially because I never ever stop and sit around and do nothing for more than a couple minutes at a time... but it turns out, when I'm not distracted by the craziness of school and clinic, I'm pretty uncomfortable! I'm getting bigger every day and I haven't been able to work out here, so I'm sure that's part of the problem, but seriously-- holy. Back. Pain. I would kill for a Snoogle (a pregnancy back pillow). And by that I mean, if I saw someone walking down the street with a Snoogle and they said the only way I could have it was to kill them, I would not hesitate to shoot them in the face, take the Snoogle, and run. Okay, maybe that's a little drastic (except not really, I'd totally do it, and there aren't any cops out here anyway, so hmmmm).

Hope everyone's had a lovely holiday!

25 weeks

Here's me! My first belly pic taken by someone other than myself. Sorry for the bad quality, we are camera-less right now so Tyler took it on his iPhone.

Fool me once...

I had a patient scheduled for a root canal this afternoon, and she no-showed. I was frustrated, because this patient needs a lot of work done and I tried really hard to get her in as efficiently as possible. When I was treatment planning her, she kept saying how anxious she was about having dental work done, so I sent out a medical consult to her doctor to get her a prescription for lorazepam, and harassed the doctor until it got done. She has a past history of prescription drug addiction, but I thought it was necessary to get her through all the work she needed to get done. The patient and I talked over the phone about this appointment (and the ones following) at least three times, so she definitely was aware that today was the day. And then she didn't show, and I couldn't reach her by phone.

I always get irritated with no-shows, just because it's so inconsiderate to me and my schedule. This one particularly bothered me since I'd put in so much time for the patient and tried so hard to meet her needs and help her out... and she has so much work that she needs done and I need to do, to fulfill requirements! I was still mulling it over while cleaning the apartment this evening (out of some misguided need to get something done today) when it hit me like a ton of bricks...

Drug seeker. Shit.

I feel like such an idiot for not getting it. She's on methadone, she says she's been clean for two years, but really that isn't that long. I let the fact that she was so sweet and timid fool me into busting my butt for her to get that prescription, because she knew she wouldn't be able to get one on her own with her history. I'm still so new at all this that I don't take charge of my patients as much as I should, and now I'm paying for it because I spent all this time on this woman and instead of helping her get the dental care she needed, I fed her addiction and now she's gone.

I know this happens and it's not necessarily my fault, and her physician did write the script (not me), but I can't help feeling kind of stupid. Maybe I'm being too hard on her and she has a good excuse, and she'll show up to her next appointment that I've already scheduled... but that's her last chance with me, I'm not getting her any more drugs and I'm not making any more appointments until she decides to show up. I'm just really, really frustrated that I let her deceive me like that!!

Happy V-day to me! (I mean, us)

Well, I'm about half a week late on this, but Thursday was viability day for baby. At 24 weeks, fetuses (feti?) are officially considered viable outside the womb, so happy V-day to my little boy or girl!

Here's what I'm looking like these days...

Apparently the baby is having a growth spurt, because I can see a huge difference between this pic and my last one at 22 weeks... even though I learned at the doctor on Saturday that somehow I only gained a pound this month! (Obviously, this gives me free reign to eat ridiculously massive amounts of food for the next month. Mmmmmm.)

So, viability... objectively, it's an exciting milestone, but honestly it scares me a little bit because my classmate's wife had that baby at 24 weeks sometime back in June, and the poor baby is still in the hospital. I guess seeing what they've gone through with such a tiny preemie really makes me think, wow, this is for real now. I'm actually at a point where this baby could be born and survive-- with a lot of medical help and heartache. Don't get me wrong, though, I am excited and relieved to be here safely at 24 weeks and counting!

Not much else is new here. I have one more week of school left and then we leave next Tuesday for North Dakota to visit Tyler's parents. I can't wait!! I've been in school since the end of July without a break, so I really, really need this time off. And I was lucky enough to get fabulous in-laws, so I can't wait to see them either.

No one ever told me...

Well, I had another one of those unbelievably crappy days that makes me want to lie on the floor and cry and then get up and immediately quit dental school. But tonight, my strategy is to completely ignore that, and instead share a list of things no one ever told me about pregnancy. There are a lot of weird and sometimes gross things that happen to you that I never would have guessed...

1. "Morning sickness" is a stupid name. It should be called "constant, all-day, horrific nausea and vomiting that does not always end with the first trimester." I know, it takes a little longer to say, but in the interest of accuracy...
   
2. You feel like you're about to get your period (cramps and all) for the first 8 weeks that you're pregnant.
3. Your taste changes: foods you used to love, you might not be able to stand thinking about... and foods you used to hate, you might want to eat every day.
   
4. You can start getting (fake) contractions as early as halfway through your pregnancy.
   
5. You might never poop again. Or at least it seems that way.
   
6. You can get random nosebleeds for no reason at all. Your nose can also be really stuffy and/or runny all the time.
   
7. Your boobs can start leaking waaaay before you need them to. We're talking 18 weeks here, ladies.
8. Your gums get really sensitive and bleed like crazy. Seriously, it is like a horror movie every time I floss.
9. As your belly grows, your bellybutton becomes a terrifying thing that I can't even look at anymore, honestly, that thing freaks me out to no end. Okay, maybe this is just me...
   
10. You discover a whole new meaning to the term "snail trail."
11. Heartburn. Sometimes I think this baby is living in my esophagus. And breathing fire in there.
12. You might pee a little when you sneeze (a.k.a., the dreaded "sniss"). I'm not saying this has happened to me yet (it hasn't), but I've had a few close calls.
    
13. Varicose veins: they're not just for old ladies anymore. Fortunately, these allegedly go away after delivery.
    
14. Your hair stops shedding while you're pregnant. This is rather a problem when you already have enough hair on your head for two people.
15. You might need to try and soothe your baby so you can get some sleep... even before he or she is born! I wake up most nights to feel those little fists or feet beating away at one of my internal organs.
16. Sometimes when you eat, you end up hungrier than before you started eating.

That's been my experience so far, anyway! Feel free to add to my list in the comments.

It all started with one little cankle

Over the past few days, I've noticed that one of my ankles has decided to turn into a cankle. You know-- when your ankles are swollen so that your calf just leads straight into your foot. I expected cankles at some point-- they're just part of being pregnant, right? Plus, they're like, way sexy. But I kind of thought they always came as a matched set, so this one did seem a bit odd.

Anyway, I just thought it was kind of funny, but a few people suggested that I might want to call my OB about it, since it is just one leg and that's a little freaky. I called this morning after my prosthodontics practical exam (not good. Don't want to talk about it.) and she brought me in right away. Apparently singular cankles are a sign of a blood clot, which would be a rather unfortunate thing to have. She took a look at my leg and sent me to the outpatient facility of my hospital to get an ultrasound done. Luckily, the tech told me it's not a deep clot (whew!!), so now I'm waiting to hear from my OB as to whether she thinks it's due to a varicosity or a more superficial clot. Neither one of those things are a big deal, so I'm feeling pretty lucky at this point. If I remember correctly from medical school (although chances of this are slim), I'm pretty sure that DVT (deep venous thrombosis) during pregnancy is a sign of an undiagnosed clotting disorder, which is a big problem... I am really, really relieved that it's not that.

So I'm getting a bit tired of having these seemingly little things like a swollen leg or a stomach bug, calling the OB, and getting a "go straight to the hospital, do not pass go, do not collect $200" card. I don't want to go back there until I deliver! You hear that in there?? ::Taps uterus::

Election day!

Did you?

I love election day. Presidential election day is even better. I love that feeling of excitement and change in the air, and I love feeling like I'm becoming a part of something important, and feeling like I did something good just by showing up and casting my vote. And this year, I'm pretty tired of hearing all the propaganda from both sides, so I love that it's finally done with!

I was anticipating huge lines, even though I got out of clinic early, so I was pleasantly surprised to only have to wait a few minutes. Those paper ballots, though, I dunno... I felt like I was feeding that thing into a shredder when I turned it in. But probably I can assume the nice little old man who watched me do it wasn't quite that diabolical. Another plus: unlike the last presidential election, there weren't any "challengers" who stood over me and screeched in my ear that I wasn't allowed to vote because my last name was spelled slightly wrong on the list. (You people are crazy down there in PA... ;)

I don't like to go into politics on my blog, so I'm not going to rant on about who you should vote for and why they're awesome and coincidentally, why I'm awesome because I voted for them, but I will say... if you didn't go make your voice heard yet today, go do it! It'll make you feel all warm and happy inside.

Changes...

So, I've made the big switch from The Nest! I can't believe it was so easy to copy over all my old entries. Anyway, I'm loving my new format and I'm hoping it will motivate me to update me more often.

I have my oral radiology clinic rotation this afternoon. I wasn't sure if they would let me take a bunch of x-rays, so I went up to the clinic this morning to ask... and the tech I found there said "yeah, no problem, of course you can do it. I'm pregnant too." I got all excited and asked "Oh wow, really?? When are you due??" because she didn't look pregnant at all. She said "March." I couldn't believe it, she's as far along as me and I couldn't even tell, and here I am with my bump practically poking her in the face. I didn't say anything about it, because I'm sure she gets comments all the time (and I hate all the remarks about how big I am... not sure why those social rules about not commenting on someone's fatness don't apply to me anymore?). But, let me just say, anybody who still looks like she has a waist at this point in pregnancy is no friend of mine... ;) Maybe she's due at the end of March. We'll go with that.

Well, gotta run to clinic. Thanks for checking out the new blog!

22 weeks: hello, belly!

Here it is...

I like that you can see the dog's steps behind me that he uses to get up on the bed. Nice. I always feel like my belly is bigger than it looks in these pictures, though-- you're probably all wondering how in the heck I knocked anything over with that! It is a bit more cumbersome than you'd think, though, especially when you're not used to sticking out in front.

I've got to get to bed, but I do have to say... ever since the ultrasound, I've felt a lot more at peace with this pregnancy. I don't know whether it was seeing the baby, or having Tyler get all excited by seeing the baby, or feeling it move so much lately, or just passing the halfway point-- but something seems different now, and I just feel calmer and... expectant. Instead of always freaking the heck out over the little things.

Nice little trip to the hospital

Well, I had an interesting week last week. I'd have updated this weekend if I hadn't been so exhausted from it!

On Wednesday, I caught some kind of stomach bug and vomited for about 24 hours straight. Eventually I got so dehydrated because I couldn't keep anything down that I started feeling really dizzy and weird, so I called my OB and they sent me straight to the hospital. My blood pressure was a nice 90/40 (yikes) so they hooked me up to a few IV bags of this fluorescent green fluid to try and bring it back up. It finally did after a few hours, so I got to go home and didn't have to stay overnight. It wasn't all bad, though, because at least I got to see the pregnancy & birth center where I'll be delivering the baby! It's a really pretty and new facility with big windows and a great view, and all the staff were super nice. I mostly felt bad for Tyler, because I had to call him and tell him I was going to the hospital, and he was stuck in New Haven because he takes a bus to school. I really was fine, though, and it was nice to take Friday off from school to rest.

Anyway, I did my first filling on a real live patient today (yay!) and it went really well... things are good and boring here, but I'm in the middle of midterms, so I must go be a good little dental student and study!

Edit: okay, I forgot the two most important things I wanted to say.

1. The IV fluid stuff turned my pee fluorescent green! I know, you're jealous, it's okay, I understand.
   
2. I knocked over my (burning hot) straightening iron with my belly this morning... right onto my bare foot! Talk about a wake-up call-- hello, you're pregnant! Belly pic coming soon...
   

Does this baby make my butt look big?

Okay, I realize this post is going to make a lot of people want to smack me upside the head. And I could probably use a slap or two. But, I think this is something a lot of pregnant women struggle with, no matter how much weight they've gained.

It's so hard, especially when you've lived your entire life as a petite skinny person, to watch your body expand uncontrollably. Never mind what I started out at, or what I've gained-- I know I'm still at the minimum end of the weight gain scale for where I'm at in pregnancy, so it's not like I'm worried about it or anything... it's just kind of scary to watch yourself get bigger and bigger, especially when you've always been careful about how much you eat and how much you weigh. I feel hungry all the time. I eat constantly. I can't work out as much because I don't have much time with school and everything, but also because I don't feel as comfortable running as I get bigger. I really don't like going to the doctor every month and stepping on the scale. My OB is really strict about weight gain-- at my first appointment, they told me I should gain about 20 pounds. 20!! I started out underweight, and everything I read tells me to gain 30-35 pounds (and realistically, that's where I'm headed). I just wish my doctor hadn't told me 20, because now when I inevitably exceed it, I'm going to feel horrible about it.

It's not so much about looking thin-- I know that I look fine. I can still see my fricking ribs above my bulging belly! It's just the idea of gaining all that weight, and wondering how long it will take to come off. I don't like to see the numbers on the scale go up, plain and simple. It's all in a good cause, I know. But it's hard to feel complacent about it when in our society, women are so trained to want to be ridiculously skinny, and we see these celebrities gain hardly any baby weight and lose it all-- and then some-- a couple of weeks after giving birth, and they're just practically worshipped for it. It's sick. And it messes with my head.

Seeing the baby on the ultrasound the other day helped a lot, though. I feel so in love with him or her that I'd gladly gain twice the weight I'm going to, if it would make the baby healthy. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling kind of uncomfortable in this new, bigger body.

I'd post my 21-week belly pic, but I know if I put it in this post, everyone would have to be all "you are so NOT fat!!!" which I do realize that I'm not, but I really am not looking for that kind of attention here. Just trying to get these thoughts out and try to come to terms with them, because I have a lot of weight still left to gain, and I'd rather be at peace with it if I can.

Big ultrasound!

Here are some pics of our baby-to-be from the big ultrasound today... we are so in love!

Classic profile shot

It was head-down for the first half, and did a somersault and was head-up for the second half!

I can't even stand how cute that is, except the arm looks a bit freaky...

This picture looks 100% exactly like me as a baby. At least, as much as you can tell on a blurry ultrasound pic.

Don't stick your tongue out at your parents!!

Why'd you guys have to wake me up...

And that's it! Well, there are other ones, but if you're really interested you'll have to check Facebook, assuming we are friends there. Those are the highlights, anyway. It was so incredibly exciting... the coolest part was feeling baby kick and punch and watching baby kick and punch at the same time! I also discovered why I only feel movement on my right side-- it's because my placenta is hanging out on the left.

It was so hard not to find out the sex, especially when she asked right before we went into the room if we wanted to know. But, we did it, and now we will all have our nice surprise in March! The baby was measuring right on with my original due date (the one given by my early ultrasound, not my LMP date) which is March 5.

Now I need to go study, if I can concentrate on periodontology without constantly staring at the baby's little face! (This is unlikely.) I have been on cloud 9 all afternoon...

[:D]

News story that terrified me

Since I'm never on here anymore, when I do get on, all I do is write a quick obligatory summary of everything that's going on around me, and maybe post a belly pic (no 20-week pic, though, sorry-- I forgot!), but I never talk about what's going on in my head anymore.

So, even though I'm smack in the middle of horrible midterms, I thought I'd take a minute to write out the mess of thoughts that is the inside of my brain lately.

I've been feeling pretty good physically--- the migraines with tunnel vision have slowed down to about once a week, and my only real complaint is my new symptom of back pain. (I have worried about a lot of pregnancy-related things, but I never considered the fact that my petite frame is not really built to carry extra weight, so I guess my back is starting to pay the price already.) I'm sure it's nothing to what I'll be dealing with in the third trimester! Anyway, feeling good is great, but it does leave a lot of time open for those pesky doubts to creep in...

My biggest worry is that I'm not in a place in my life to be a good mom. Yes, I still freak out about this. In fact, it only seems to get more pressing as I get more pregnant. This baby is coming whether we're ready or not, and I don't even have time to work on the nursery, or read any of my parenting books. How am I going to have time to care for and play with my baby when I have all this school stuff to contend with?? The thing that really got me going on this was a news story I read last week during class... I'm sure you've heard of it, I think I'm pretty late on mentioning it, but it was about this mother who had such a crazy busy life and tried so hard to be supermom that one day she forgot that her sleeping baby was still in the carseat when she got to work, and she went about her day until someone told her after like eight hours that the baby was there, and she raced out to the car and her baby was dead.

Seriously, I am shivering right now typing this. That story made my heart feel ice cold. I am sure plenty of people think "how could she forget her child?? What's wrong with her??" but really, I could see how it could happen. I am constantly racing around doing a million things with my mind always on something else, and if something happened to mess up my routine, I could definitely see something like that happening. I literally closed my eyes and sat there shaking in the middle of class. I can't imagine the guilt that mother must feel, my heart breaks for her.

So that petrified me to the point that I am now writing obsessive lists about everything I have to do so that I don't forget anything, and I now put my purse in the backseat every time I drive somewhere, so that I will do that when I have the baby and I'll see it if it's still in the carseat when I get to school and that will never, never happen to me. I realize I'm being a paranoid, crazy pregnant lady. But that story really shook me, because I know deep down that it's something that could happen to me, and really I'm mostly just afraid that my life is too busy to fit a baby into it. I want to give this baby the world, and I don't know if I'm even going to be able to give it the basic things that it needs because I'm just. So. Busy. I just couldn't stop thinking about this story all week.

Anyway, I know that things will fall into place and everything will work out-- it has to. There's just no way that it won't. Until I have this baby and we get a nice, stable routine figured out, I'm sure I will be terrified that I will make some massive screw-up like this. As a matter of fact, knowing me, I will probably always be scared that I'll do something wrong. But hey, maybe that's just motherhood. I wouldn't know.

I have so much more to say about other topics but it will all have to wait for another post, because I need to get going on my studying... but, last thing: we have our big ultrasound tomorrow!! I am so stinking excited that it's finally time to see the baby and get a picture of him or her...

Still kickin'

I wish I were more consistent about blogging these days. I know I'm going to want to remember everything about my pregnancy, even the difficult parts... but it's hard to keep up with it when I have so much going on!

School is... school. I'm in the middle of midterms-- I think I have an exam every week until December! I'm excited for all that to be over, because once it is, I have lots of clinic time and very little class time for the rest of my dental school career! I really like being in clinic... despite all the paperwork and running-around craziness and the fact that I sometimes feel like I'm just chasing signatures instead of learning things. I love getting in there and doing real-live dentist things... I forget about everything else for hours at a time, and it's wonderful to have an escape like that. And it's really wonderful that that's going to be my job someday! It's less exhausting lately, even with the midterms-- maybe I've finally gotten that mythical second trimester energy boost.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. The headaches have gotten better-- even though I still get one almost every day, they aren't the horrible throbbing tunnel-vision kind, so I can deal with that. I'm tired, but I'd be tired anyway, just like the rest of my classmates. The other day, one of the girls in my class said to me "Julia, I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but when I get really really tired and sick of school, I just think to myself, hey... Julia must feel about twenty times worse than me right now! And then I just get up and do what I have to do, because if you're here every single day, what right do I have to stay in bed??" I was like uh... thank you?... but really I don't feel that bad these days! Wait till I get towards the end, and then you can feel all inspired by my determination! (And I will wallow in it. Ah, yes, thank you, thank you.)

Anyway, I went to my monthly OB appointment yesterday, and the doctor said I was measuring around 20 weeks instead of 19 (and who knows where I'm really at in this pregnancy anyway, since I've never had anything resembling a normal period in my life). She said they'd get a better idea of where I am at my big ultrasound which is a week from tomorrow! Baby also flailed its little feet and fists away at the doppler when she looked for the heartbeat... I guess it still hates it. She said it was a little show-off, moving around so much and making so much noise that it took her a little while to figure out what the heart rate was. [:)] And I've gained 6 pounds, for those who care about those kind of things.

Here's the belly pic from 19 weeks (20?) on Thursday. I'm rebelling against maternity clothes lately, hence the Bella band:

So, Tyler and I are super excited for the big ultrasound next Monday! The doctor also said they'd probably do a 3-D one while we were there. And don't worry, ladies who commented on my other post: we are going to stay strong and not find out the sex. I hope. Tyler is weakening too, though.

And, we started our registry this weekend, which was so fun! I'd post the info so you could see the cute stuff we picked out, but I'd rather not have the whole internet know. Those of you who know me on Facebook can feel free to spy on the adorableness! Tyler went with me and was so good about checking everything out and discussing different options with me. He's a good sport. He did get a little crazy with a travel system at one point (clear the aisles!!) but overall he did a great job... and he looks pretty hot pushing a stroller... [;)]

Extractions, babies, and boobs

Well, I took out my first tooth today! It was so exciting, I felt like a real live dentist. Specifically, an oral surgeon. Who only takes out nice easy teeth in the bottom jaw, with lots of bone loss around them and a professor watching over my shoulder the entire time. [:)]

No, like the professor said, I should give myself credit-- I did the injections all by myself and they were spot on because she got numb right away, and I took out the tooth and put a suture in all by myself. I was thrilled. I wanted to do a victory dance around the room, holding the tooth above my head and flinging blood all around, but something told me, Julia, that would not be appropriate. So I settled for a big happy grin behind my mask as I set that big honking molar down on the tray. It was very satisfying, and almost made me not mind that I still haven't had five minutes to myself to stop by the dean's office and get the dirty details on taking time off.

So that's school. I'm booked solid for almost the next two months, so I don't know when I'm going to get time to see the dean! In pregnancy news, I've started getting these migraines... which I used to get occasionally before I was pregnant, but they are really monstrous now. It's this horrible throbbing pain in my temples, often accompanied by really scary tunnel vision. I had one almost the entire week last week, it just refused to go away. I kept calling my doctor and they kept suggesting Tylenol (which did nothing for it), so finally I just quit calling them and suffered through it. It was pretty horrendous... maybe they are related to my seasonal allergies and will get better soon. That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

This weekend, we took our dog Franklin to his first obedience school class. He's a really stubborn little dog (miniature dachsund), and he will bite me if I try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, so we decided he was going to need some training before the baby comes. He was actually pretty good. I was picturing a horrific scene where he bites the instructor, all the other dogs in the class and their owners, gets loose and tears around the store, knocks down all the shelves and everything on them, and somehow set the entire building on fire... culminating with Tyler and me getting arrested and him getting sent to the pound. You know, best-case scenario. But he wasn't too bad. He did bark at all the other dogs and people, and probably would have bitten the instructor if she had insisted on making him sit, but by the end of the class he was sitting for a treat and walking on a loose leash, so I have some hope for little Franklin. We'll see how the rest of his classes go.

Also this weekend, Tyler and I did a lot of work on the nursery! It looks really cute, I'll try to get some pictures up. We (okay, he) put up the bumblebee wallpaper border, and I finally caved and let him put up the crib. Our glider and changing table came in the mail last week, so we put those together too. It's all cherry wood, which looks great with the light yellow bumblebee color scheme. I love going in there and sitting in the glider while I look around the room, imagining what our baby will look like and thinking about how it will live there in just a few months. Our big ultrasound is coming up (just two more weeks), and it's getting hard to resist the temptation to ask what the sex is! But we are going to stay strong. I just want that super-romantic moment of Tyler telling me "it's a __!" in the delivery room, rather than having an ultrasound tech tell us while I'm laying on a metal table somewhere. I'm not great at delayed gratification, but I can do this... hey, I'm waiting through more than 20 years of school to get my degree, so I can wait a couple months to find out whether I'm carrying a daughter or a son, right?? Tell me to hold out, ladies, my resolve is weakening!!

So that's it for 18-19 weeks-ish. We're probably going to register sometime in the next few weeks too... another thing I'm really excited for! The second trimester is kind of boring in some ways, but it has its good points too. I love feeling the baby kick around in my belly. It's started to do this squirmy thing whenever I'm in lab (can't really blame it, there are 40 dental drills going at once in there), so that's a little bit of a weird feeling. Tyler still can't feel it from the outside, though, I'm still waiting for that!

Oh yeah, and to follow-up on an earlier issue... to my boobs, if you're reading this: ladies, I appreciate that all is in good working order, I'm really happy about that. But it's getting a little uncomfortable, so it would be great if you could quit testing out the merchandise, if you get what I'm saying. Just hang tight until you're needed (that would be sometime around March 5.) Sweet. Thanks. Kisses.

Oh. My. Lord.

I am completely freaked out. I know it's natural, I knew it was going to happen sometime... but in my 18th week?? No. I did not expect this so early. I shouldn't be grossed out by it, but I just can't help it... I don't even really want to talk about it, but I know that I need to get used to the idea...

My boobs have started leaking. AAAHHH!!!! I practically cried last night when I saw it. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it really freaks me out. I started racing around the apartment like a crazed woman, moaning to Tyler about how weirded out I was. (For some reason, he didn't seem as disgusted as I did... although he did say "well don't get it on me!!") I am going to have to get over this, because I desperately want to breastfeed. But for some reason, it really really bugs me. Maybe because I already am expanding at what feels like an exponential rate, and I feel like a cow, and now... I actually am producing milk like a cow? Colostrum, technically, but I'm sure it's only going to get worse from here.

So today I am adding breast pads to my shopping list so that I don't get stuck in the middle of the school day with a wet bra. ::Shudders:: Get over it, Julia... you need to get over it quick...

*UPDATE: went to Wal-Mart to pick up some nursing pads, and couldn't find them. Had to ask the really hot guy behind the pharmacy counter where the breast pads were and was rewarded with a confused, disgusted look and a "what??" Awesome.

I am SUCH a good blogger

Twice in two days, and on-time belly pics to boot... 17 weeks today! Am I showing yet?? [:D]

That's me in my too-big maternity clothes (I know it looks like the same outfit as 16 weeks, but actually neither the pants nor the shirt are the same). I'm in an awkward in-between clothes stage, and when I have to dress up for school, I just look like a little girl wearing her mommy's clothes that don't fit. Well, okay, probably that's not accurate, since I hope little girls don't have baby bumps! I'm sure I'll grow into the clothes soon enough. I've gained about five pounds so far.

Anyway, I didn't mean to sound all flippant yesterday talking about taking leave from school... I know it's a really big decision. Financially, I wouldn't be responsible for paying back my loans yet since I would technically still be a student, just on a medical leave. And I wouldn't just stay home and do nothing (I would go crazy, I need to be somewhat busy), so I would probably work part-time as a dental hygienist until I got to whatever point in the 3rd trimester that I decided to stop. It would give me something to do, I would make plenty of money to offset the interest I'd be accruing on my loans, and I'm qualified to do it since I've completed two years toward my DMD. And Tyler does support whatever I want to do, he worries about me finishing and the stress that will cause me if I do take time off, but he wants me to do what I feel is best for me and the baby.

So, I still have to look into whether or not I would have to re-take this semester once I came back (in which case I would not take time off, since that would waste the tuition I've already paid and also six months of hard work). We'll see what happens. I think it's a sign of how busy and tired I am that I can't even find the time to stop by the dean's office and ask. But I'll get there!

As for pregnancy news, I got my quad screen results back-- perfectly normal, and no increased risk of Down Syndrome or neural tube defects. Yay!! I wasn't too worried, since I'm only 24, but Tyler does have DS in his family so I wasn't exactly relaxed about it either. (Like I said, I'm high-strung...) So now it's on to my next worry, which I haven't picked out yet. Perhaps it will be early labor or a cord accident. I have a feeling I will always be worrying about something regarding my baby for the rest of my life, now! All part of being a mom, I'm sure...

I've gotten a few books about the things that concern me the most: breastfeeding (So That's What They're For!), sleeping (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child), and labor/delivery (Childbirth and Pain Relief, by an anesthesiologist). So far I'd recommend the breastfeeding book very highly, but I'm not quite sold on the sleep book (I would, however, recommend it if you are having trouble sleeping, since it is very boring), and I haven't received the labor one yet.

We also are thinking about starting the nursery soon. Well, Tyler wants to set up the crib ASAP, I am not quite ready. To me, that means "there will be a baby living in this room really soon" and I am not ready for that yet. I think I posted the pic of our bedding awhile ago... it's bumblebees, since we aren't finding out the sex:

Love it!! We have a cherry sleigh crib and a bunch of other things that my parents have found for us secondhand. They've been so helpful as far as that goes, and with helping us move, too... I love my parents. They're so excited about this grandchild. Can't blame them, I guess-- especially when they thought I might not be able to have kids at all.

Have lovely weekends, everyone! I know I will-- it's going to be gray and rainy here, which is perfect weather for napping!

I blame my scrubs

I've been the worst slacker lately when it comes to blogging, and I think I know why. It's my scrubs. They just encourage laziness. When you can basically pull on pajamas and consider them "professional attire", there just doesn't seem to be any reason to motivate yourself to do anything!

No, actually, I've just been really busy with school and clinic. I figured something had to go by the wayside, and it wasn't going to be sleeping, eating, or peeing (my three most frequent activities these days), so it ended up being blogging and fun internet time... oh, and working out. What?? I just can't find the time... [:)]

This afternoon my patient canceled, so I got to come home at 4, so today is the day I catch up on blogging and working out, and maybe sneak in a little nap. Ahhhh, paradise. All I do these days is run around with a crazed look on my face, with approximately the following thoughts running through my head: "call patient... need daycare... want to nap... no, can't nap... food need food now now now... " It's getting pretty exhausting. I've noticed that I do have more energy this trimester, but unfortunately I still don't have as much as I need to get everything done and still have a little time to myself. And I am constantly so stressed about getting in enough clinic time before the baby comes that my jaw is clenched and my entire body is so tense that I am shaking by the time I get home.

Because of this, I've been thinking about taking a leave from school. I've always been a high-strung and overachieving person, and I think I might need to take the pressure off for a little while, for both my sake and the baby's. It can't be good for it to swim around in all my stress-induced cortisol. (Speaking of swimming around, I feel it kick around in there a lot now!! But I digress.) My tentative plan is to take leave starting after this semester, and go back next fall or even the fall after. I just feel like I'm not going to be a good mother the way things are going now. I'm so tense and on-edge all the time, and I can't imagine it will get better once I have an infant to care for. I snap at Tyler all the time, to the point where he just tries to stay out of my way. I have no friends who understand what I'm going through, so I feel really lonely a lot of the time... or at least, I would if I stopped and sat down for just a minute. I also feel really guilty about sending the baby to daycare for 10 hours per day when it will only be six weeks old. That was never something I wanted to do as a mom, and if I can avoid it, why not?

Wow, this post deteriorated into a lot of whining pretty quickly... but, that's what's been on my mind. Tyler doesn't seem very excited about this prospect, because I was supposed to be the one done with school first and making money, but, well, plans change and unexpected things happen. And if I'm really unhappy at school, I am just going to have to take a little time off... I know he will support me in the end, and we would figure things out financially.

Anyway, here's last week's belly pics:

I should really just take my 17-week pics too, since that will be tomorrow, but the call of my much-awaited nap is too strong!

I've been MIA

...and I'm sorry. I had good reasons, though! We moved this weekend to our bigger apartment (we got everything straightened out, and the new place is everything I wanted) and just got our internet connected today. I've been spending a lot more time in clinic so I'm really tired... where is that 2nd trimester energy boost everyone talks about? And, just as importantly, where is my pregnant-lady glow?? Everyone at school (when they are not staring at my growing belly) keeps commenting on how tired I look. I want to say, I know I look like crap, people, I've got a lot on my plate here...

Now that the excuses are out of the way [:)], I'll give you all an update. The baby is doing well, we went to our monthly appointment last Thursday at 15 weeks and Tyler got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Well, at least he heard it until the baby started beating its little fists (or feet?) at the doppler and making this "BAM BAM BAM BAMBAMBAM" noise! The midwife said some babies don't like the doppler so they kick at it... looks like we're going to have a feisty little one on our hands!

And we moved this weekend... we actually got the entire place mostly put together, because we had a lot of help from our family and one of our guy friends. This week has taken a lot out of me since I didn't get to rest at all this weekend, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to go pass out now...

Belly pic tomorrow, I've been slacking!!

Maybe I'm crazy...

But I swear I felt the baby move!! I was lying in bed last night and I felt this feeling like a fish flopping in my lower belly. I sat bolt upright and begged baby to do it again, but I didn't feel anything else for the rest of the night, so I figured it was probably a muscle twitch or something. It was like nothing I've ever felt before, but then again, I have felt a lot of weird new feelings since being pregnant.

Then today, I was out to lunch with my mom and I took a big gulp of ice water. A couple seconds later, I felt it again! And then a few minutes later, sort of a tapping feeling from inside. I couldn't believe it! I am 14w3d today, which is so early to feel movement, especially for a first baby, but I don't know what else I could be feeling. (It's not gas! [:P]) I can't wait until I can feel it move all the time and be sure that it's the baby... it is such an exciting feeling.

Okay, update on the apartment situation: thank you ladies so much for all your wonderful advice on my last post. I definitely would have taken it and gotten legal help, but it turns out I didn't need to because I went back to the place and literally begged them and explained the situation. (And, okay, I might have cried a little bit for extra sympathy.) They had to contact some corporate guy and explain it to him, and he said that I could move on the 13th (the day I had gotten everyone to help us move) to a different apartment, and he would waive the transfer fee. Phew!! It was a huge relief. So now we (or I should say I, until Tyler gets home from Oregon tomorrow) are packing stuff up and just waiting for moving day. The new place is in a much nicer spot-- you can walk in on the ground floor in the front, which is nice because we'll have a stroller, but the back is raised up so it's a balcony up off the ground level (essentially the opposite of the place I didn't like). And, it faces the woods instead of a busy road, so it's much quieter and safer. I feel good about it and I can't wait to move now.

And, here are my 14-week belly pics-- they were taken at 14w0d, but I happened to be lazy that day and didn't post them...

So upset I don't know what to do

This apartment thing is spiraling out of control. Of course Tyler is gone again this week so I have to deal with it all on my own, once again. I don't know how we are going to make this work, but here goes...

The girl from the leasing office emailed me and said we can't transfer to a new apartment until we've lived in the crappy first floor one for 30 days because "it's company policy". First of all, that doesn't even make sense from their point of view. They'll just have to repaint and clean everything again after we lived there. Second of all, it means they are telling us we have to move everything we own twice in two weeks, because we lose our current place at the end of September, and the 30 days expires on October 2. We finally found a day (September 13) to have all our family and friends help us, since I can't do heavy lifting, and there's no way we'll be able to get everyone (or anyone? not sure) to help us again two weeks later.

I just don't feel comfortable living in this place right next to the road on the ground floor, especially since Tyler is gone so often. And there is no way we can move everything twice in two weeks. But if we break the lease, it will cost us thousands of dollars. It's going to be hard enough to afford this baby and the rent increase as it is, we can't waste 60 days notice plus 2 month's rent as a penalty (this place costs over $1100 a month-- welcome to Connecticut).

I don't know what to do, I keep calling Tyler but he isn't picking up since he's working right now... I am so upset!!! [:'(]

Apartment drama

I'm not a very picky girl. When we decided we needed to move for the baby, all I wanted was relatively inexpensive rent, 2 bedrooms, and a washer/dryer would have been a plus. Well, I found all of those things, and we got our keys today. I went to check out the apartment tonight, and after 5 minutes in the place, I walked to the leasing office and requested a transfer to a different unit.

I really am not that high-maintenance, but I just can't live in that place. There was nothing really wrong with the unit itself, although the kitchen and bathroom were smaller than they had been in the other unit I'd toured, and the appliances were a little old. Those things I can live with. But the lady at the renter's office told me that it was raised off of ground level, and it wasn't. You have to go up stairs to get to the front door, but the back door opens onto a ground-level patio, which is literally about 10 feet away from a busy street. No way am I moving into a place like that with a child. I would constantly worry myself sick. A toddler could run right out of the apartment into oncoming traffic in less than 30 seconds. Besides, I just don't feel that safe on the ground floor in an apartment complex when people are constantly walking by. Also, the patio smelled very strongly of smoke, even though there was no one around, so I guess the neighbors are heavy smokers, and I can't really live with that either.

So I went straight to the renter's office and asked to transfer. Luckily (I guess my luck hasn't run out yet!) there's another 2-bedroom unit on the 2nd floor available on the opposite end of the complex, far away from the street. We'll be finalizing the transfer on Thursday. To me, a $600 transfer fee and $10 more in rent per month is well worth the money!

Anyway (calming down now), we spent most of the weekend trying to get rid of the fleas (thanks to all who made excellent suggestions, they helped a lot!) and I think we got rid of the majority of them. I also shopped for maternity clothes with my mom. I don't really need the tops yet, but the pants situation is getting kind of dire. And my Bella band is getting kind of annoying. I had a lot of difficulty finding clothes that fit-- what the heck do pregnant teenagers do?? But I ended up buying clothes in the smallest size they had, and hopefully I will just grow into them. I am sure I will long for the days when I was too small to fit into any clothes, so I'm not complaining at all! Although the saleslady did get a little snippy with me ("those pants are too big for you. You need an extra-small. And we don't sell that here.")... even though I didn't even ask for her help!

Then yesterday for our first anniversary, we went for a hike in a nearby state park that has pretty waterfalls, and had a picnic lunch. Then we did some shopping, went out to dinner, and rented a movie-- a perfect day! My parents even got us a little cake from the same people who did our wedding cake, so we had that for dessert. It was Tahitian vanilla bean with raspberry preserves... yummm... I'm eating a piece of it right now and it is still just as delicious as it was a year ago.

Now Tyler is gone again, but only for a week this time. He does occasional jobs for the guy who did all the dinosaurs for Jurassic Park, and this time he's in Portland, Oregon dealing with one of this guy's traveling exhibits. It's good money for us, so I can't complain about him being gone-- besides, it's only a week, that's nothing to us!

Now entering the second trimester!

Well, today is the first day of my second trimester. It's so weird. When I was about 6 weeks along and having that "no fetal pole" scare, I felt like I would literally never get here... and now here I am! With a little bloaty belly to show for it. I feel like it's okay to have a belly today. Yesterday, it just meant I was fat, but today, it's definitely baby. [:)] (Since I just posted my 12w pic, I figured I'd skip the 13w one...)

I don't have a whole lot to report, other than the following:

1. I did my first crown prep today and it was actually really fun. I had been wondering when we were going to learn how to do crowns since no one had ever mentioned them throughout the first two years of dental school.
2. Monday, September 1 is our first anniversary! We are delinquent and have no plans. Whatever we do will probably involve eating a lot of food, since I am eating everything that isn't nailed down these days. It is so great to be free of the morning sickness!
3. Our apartment and all our pets are infested with fleas, and Frontline isn't working. I don't know what we're going to do-- the vet said we could bring them in for a flea treatment, but we'd need to flea-bomb our apartment. And I can't do that because I'm pregnant! If anyone has any suggestions, please post below...

The perils of unplanned pregnancy

I debated with myself whether or not I should write a post about this, because it's going to sound a little whiny, but I decided that this is how I'm feeling lately, so I should just go for it.

I always try to talk about the good things, and the progress Tyler and I have made, because I really don't see the point in getting depressed about how "this wasn't how we planned our lives to go" or "we just aren't ready for this"... because like it or not, the baby is coming, and even with everything else we have going on, I prefer to like it, thanks very much. And since I have PCOS, I guess I'd rather see it as a stroke of luck, because we could have had plenty of trouble conceiving later on. And with everything else that's been working out for us, it just seems, I don't know... manageable.

But I still have times when I feel sad that I'm losing my freedom, and that it's going to be so much harder for me to get through school than the other girls in my class, and there are plenty of moments when I feel overwhelmed and just... not ready. I think I've been doing okay with those, and they get less frequent as I get bigger and more excited about the baby. But Tyler is having a really tough time. He's getting excited too, but nothing is changing in his body, and he was gone for almost the entire first trimester. I feel like he's having trouble getting ready, and sometimes I feel scared that he's not going to ever be ready, and that he's not at a place in his life where he can be a good father. I wish that I could just have peed on that stick and seen a positive and then we could just throw out our plans and make new ones and live happily ever after, but the reality is that it just isn't that easy, and things don't happen like that if babies aren't on your radar.

I want to be there for him and comfort him, but it's really scary for me to have to listen to him say that he's depressed because his life isn't working out the way he planned, or that he's not ready to give up partying on the weekends. I know I need to be supportive. But you know, I'm in it now. I'm pregnant and I'm staying that way. Technically, he could get up and walk away if he wanted to (even though I know he never, ever would), but I'm in this for the long haul. So I start to panic a little bit when he talks that way, because even if he would never leave, I just hate feeling like he's not really in this with me. And that makes it really hard to be the strong one and tell him everything's going to be okay. Especially when I'm so irritable and hormonal and tearful, and sick with a cold, and so tired from school plus the pregnancy that I feel like I'm constantly moving through molasses... and he has no idea what any of that feels like physically, and I don't know how to get it through to him without him feeling like I'm just complaining.

Anyway, I know I can't expect him to become Superdad overnight, and he keeps reminding me of that too. We talked about this yesterday and he said he's going to find someone else to talk to about it because I can't handle it. Well, I know it sounds awful, but I guess I really can't. I had to be all strong and independent the entire time he was gone, and I wanted him to come back and take care of me and be excited with me. And while he does nice things for me all the time, he hasn't really gotten that excited part down yet... so I guess I have to just wait and keep reminding myself to be realistic. He will be ready, I know it... but when??

Goodbye, Big Red

What a busy weekend! Last night, Tyler and I threw an engagement party for our good friends (we are both in the wedding party) and I think it was a huge success. About 18 people came, I think, so it was a lot of work for a sick pregnant girl! We made tons of appetizers and everyone really seemed to love the food and appreciate how much work we put into it all. The menu included: deviled eggs, chips and salsa, veggies and dip, cocktail shrimp, crab-stuffed mushrooms, double tomato bruschetta, chicken wings, and some desserts made by some of my girlfriends. Oh yeah, and sangria and beer to drink. We ended up leaving early (around 10:30) because I'm still hit pretty hard with this cold, but apparently people stayed the whole night and partied until about 3, so we did our job and people must have had fun!

Today, we went to my parents' house to check out all the baby stuff they've gotten us at yard sales, and to exchange cars. I know I shouldn't let myself think this because it's so generous of them to give us my mom's Subaru (she did need a new car anyway, but still, they could have traded it in!), but I was really sad to give up my Big Red. It's such a crappy little car, but I bought it myself with my own money when I was 17 and it's hardly ever given me any problems. Everyone hated the idea of me driving around in a '93 Geo Prizm, pregnant and in the snow, and I guess I agree... and I definitely did not want to put a carseat in it. So it's for the best, but today I am kind of mourning my little red Big Red. I wanted to name the new car Doublemint, since it's green and I like to name my cars after chewing gum, but Tyler said that was a stupid name. I think I am naming it that anyway. [:)]

So, it was an insane weekend, and with this disgusting cold I don't really feel recharged for the week ahead (people, just let me have my NyQuil, already...) but I am sure I will plow through it like always. Oh, and here's the 12-week belly pic I promised (although they're a little overdue at 12w3d). You can see my new haircut in it, kinda. I really needed something to make me feel pretty, since my skin is a wreck and I'm in that fat-looking stage that comes before true baby belly:

Hope everyone had great weekends that were much more relaxing than mine! [:)]

Nasty cold

Well, Tyler has passed his cold on to me, and I'm way more sympathetic to him now, because it is not a fun one. Although maybe it's worse to be sick when you're pregnant, I wouldn't know. Anyway, my amazing luck continues, because even though I am sick, I only had to stay at school until 10:30 today because I finished my dentures early!! So Tyler and I went to Babies R Us to look at baby things and to celebrate me being 12 weeks along. It was fun, but a little overwhelming for both of us, I think... babies just need so much stuff!!

And I've been able to sleep all afternoon, which has helped a little bit with the cold, I guess. Tylenol really isn't touching this headache, and when I called my OB they suggested a little bit of caffeine and "aromatherapy." Well, I've been sitting here with my head over a cup of mint tea for a half hour now, and let me tell you, it hasn't at all lessened my desire to rip my own face off. Needless to say, I'm wrapping up this post quickly and I don't have the energy for the promised belly pic... I wonder if having a cold makes the baby miserable too? I hope not. I guess the best I can do is not take any meds that would hurt it, which unfortunately (according to the doctor) includes my migraine meds and Sudafed... boooo...

"There are going to be days...

when you think you can't do this, but you can." I have this written on the inside of my appointment book and I look at it whenever I start to feel really overwhelmed with school and clinic and pregnancy symptoms and baby stuff. I'm really not a gung-ho mantra-type person (whatever that means), but I need something to get me through days like yesterday. Something that reminds me how hard I've worked to get here, and that I know I'm capable of doing all this!

I had a treatment planning session with a new patient yesterday, and I really had no idea what I was doing. With clinic, it's never the dentistry that causes me problems, because I absolutely love all that-- it's the stupid piles and piles of paperwork and thousands of signatures I need to get after every single thing I do! And treatment planning requires signatures from every doctor and their mom. Anyway, about 15 minutes into the appointment I almost passed out in front of the patient (I am having this awful dizziness lately), so that was embarrassing because I kept having to put my head between my knees. Then, the faculty member on duty didn't help me out at all even though I had no idea what to do, and on top of that he made my patient cry because he was too rough with her tongue during the oral cancer screening (yeah, I don't know, she was a little weird). So she demanded that he not come back in the room. I guess he wasn't being that much help anyway, but then I was completely on my own. Anyway, I ended up not getting anything entered into the computer and my team leader informed me the next day that I might as well not have done anything, and I'll have to bring the patient back in to do it all over again.

And it is just so frustrating!! I love talking to my patients, I love doing procedures, I even love filling out their charts and getting things done and making plans for their care, it's so satisfying to me. But all these stupid signatures are making me crazy, because I have pregnancy brain so bad I can't even remember people's names, let alone that I'm supposed to get this signature here and that signature there. I know, I shouldn't blame it on pregnancy, but I swear I am not normally this scatterbrained.

So I have that written in my planner, and I look at it whenever I feel like running screaming out of the operatory. Today was a better day-- I had a patient for a cleaning, and I've pretty much got that down now. Although, if another male patient teases me about how I'm bringing his blood pressure up while I'm taking his vitals, I might fly into a rage and tell them that hitting on pregnant women is in poor taste. (Not that they can tell under my scrubs... yet.)

And I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger-- meaning I'm a total slacker about posting my own blogs and reading/commenting on others'. It's tough to find the time lately, but I am hoping it'll get better when I get some energy back in the 2nd trimester and start to get the hang of things at school. At least, I am counting on that energy coming back soon... little baby, don't let me down!! [:)]

12 weeks pregnant tomorrow-- I promise I'll have belly pics since I skipped last week!