Thursday, July 31, 2008

"Are you keeping it?"

This post is going to be a bit of a mish-mash and might not make much sense, but since my usual post-school activity involves lying on the carpet just inside the front door and playing dead, I think I'm doing pretty well today. [:)]

The blog title sums up my classmates' reactions to me being pregnant. Only one of them actually used that phrase, but it's pretty clear that they all are thinking it. It didn't exactly offend me when she asked, because I realize that if you don't have a problem with abortion, it's a reasonable question to ask (I would never, no matter what stage of my life I was at, but that's just me)... but when I told Tyler, he got all enraged. I told him that it doesn't speak to anything about us, only about her, and I just thought it was a strange question because why would I be telling her I was 9 weeks pregnant if I planned to terminate? But he was very offended, so I guess I will keep any other non-positive responses to myself. We are going to have to develop a pretty thick skin about this because none of our friends are even close to having babies. I think what offended him the most was the implication that keeping our child is a bad decision. Or at least that's what he saw it as.

I also told the dean of academic affairs at my school today. I wanted to be exempt from taking x-rays and using nitrous (laughing gas), and I figured I needed to get planning so that I can take maternity leave and still graduate on time. I was very nervous about telling him!! But his response was very positive, although he did choke on his coffee when I said "I'm pregnant." I think I shocked him a bit. Getting pregnant in dental school is a pretty ballsy move for a woman. But I wasn't apologetic at all, I just outlined my plan to him and he congratulated me and said it was fine and that he'd get me a dosimeter to measure radiation and he'd switch my rotation schedule around so that I can take maternity leave. It was a huge relief. I still have to tell the dean of students, but now that I know that the other dean is supportive, I feel confident enough.

And, I got my first patient scheduled for Monday! It's just a cleaning-- I wanted to make sure I got something easy in before I take on those extractions. You know, one of the many unexpected bright sides of my pregnancy is that I am no longer afraid of clinic. It's something I've always wanted to do, and while I'll be nervous with my first few patients, I am more anxious about not getting enough done in time for the baby. So I just feel determined. To get in there and get going, and to do well. Maybe because it's not just for me anymore.

Finally, my 9-week belly pic:



Looks pretty similar to 7 weeks, right down to the skank shorts. [:)] I have to admit I feel a little silly taking these, since it's definitely bloat and not baby (you can only see that little bump when I relax completely, and it's not there at all in the morning), but I'm sure I'll appreciate them when I'm huge.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What NOT to say to a patient

Among the many, varied, and unusual things we have to stuff into our heads before starting clinic (did you ever do those exercises in elementary school??) are phrases you should never use while working on a patient:

  1. Whoops!
  2. Oh shit.
  3. How the hell did that happen??
  4. (While working on a deep filling and accidentally drilling into the pulp chamber) Yes!!! I needed this root canal for a requirement!!
  5. Let's not mention this to the preceptor.
  6. What the fuck??
  7. Well, that can't be good.
  8. I was going to use you for my test case, but this isn't turning out so well.

And the list goes on... that was my brief bit of humor for today! (Hey, it's hard to come by in dental school.) I definitely would not want to hear any of those things while an amateur dentist was operating a high-speed drill in my mouth!

In other news, I have five patients of my very own and a bunch more that I'll share with my "big sister" (the fourth-year student above me). I've been having technical difficulties with the scheduling system, so as of now my first patient isn't until September 8, but I should get some scheduled for next week at the earliest. Eeek!! It's all happening so fast!! Apparently I have the super-anal team leader, which is why I have a bunch of patients while most of my classmates only have one or two. That's okay with me, I need to get stuff done before the baby comes... except, when my team leader handed me all the memos with my new patients' info on them, the first thing I saw was "extract root tips ASAP." Ummm... what?? Couldn't I have a nice cleaning like the rest of my classmates? Why do I have to first explain to this poor lady that she still has retained root tips for some reason even though she has dentures, and then cut her open and take them out?? Oh well, I guess it's better to jump in all the way than to just get your feet wet... Still, I seriously start sweating when I think about the fact that my first case will be surgical extractions. Yikes!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

I'm back

And it seems like I was just here! I had a great time visiting Tyler and his family in ND, I just wish I could have stayed longer. The traveling wasn't too bad-- I was really worried about the morning sickness, but I only lost my breakfast twice on the way there and then I wasn't too sick for the rest of the trip. I got back late, late, late last night and then had class from 8-5 today so I am exhausted.

It was so nice to see Tyler. Six weeks is a long time not to see him, but it felt even longer with everything that's happened since we were together last. He took a lot of time off, so we just hung out and snuggled and talked about the baby. We decided we're not going to find out the sex, and we picked out the decor for the nursery:

Bumblebee nursery

We're getting really excited about it all. His family was so thrilled and so supportive. His dad is even building us a cradle. And we got to hang out with our niece/goddaughter, who is 18 months old and the most adorable little girl I've ever seen. Seeing her just made me so impatient to meet my own little one!

Then, sadly, I had to go back to school today. It was a whirlwind of information about clinic and scheduling patients and professionalism and blah blah blah I can't even remember half of it. I have such mixed feelings about this year. I've been waiting and waiting to get into clinic, but at the same time I'm terrified to treat patients and I feel so anxious about getting things done with the baby coming and all. I have an appointment to tell one of the deans that I'm pregnant on Thursday and I'm nervous about that too. I know that technically they aren't allowed to judge me and that they'll work with me to make sure I graduate on time, but sometimes I think maybe I should take it slow and take an extra year to get my degree, even though I've worked so hard to get to this point... I worry that all my worrying will be bad for the baby. I couldn't get the patient scheduling system to work on my computer today and I just about had a breakdown. I know I'm over-tired so I shouldn't put too much weight on it, but I guess I feel like my priorities are shifting a little. I've always been so career-oriented and motivated and driven toward that goal of getting my doctorate, but now I'm responsible for this little life growing inside me too, and I have to think about that. I guess I'll ask the dean how difficult it's going to be to finish on time and go from there. There are financial considerations too, since I don't want to pay an extra year of tuition and I don't want to accrue too much interest on all the loans I already have. Decisions... I guess being an adult stinks sometimes, but we all know that already, right? [:)]

I'm contemplating not telling my classmates (except my close friends) that I'm pregnant and just waiting until they figure it out. I can just picture it, as I get bigger and bigger they'll gossip about me for getting fat, and then they'll start to suspect I'm pregnant, but no one will know and they'll all be too afraid to ask. Haha. (You have to understand, for the girls in my class, I'm sure that getting pregnant is the most horrifying idea around.) I guess I would do it if I actually liked attention, but I don't really. I'll probably just let my friends tell people so that I don't have to.

Oh, and I got my boards results in the mail while I was gone.. pass!! With flying colors, actually-- I got well above the national average. That was a huge weight off my shoulders, and I feel like I can be proud of how I did (even if I would have done better without all the worry and distraction and morning sickness). Somehow I feel like I am getting it all: I already had a wonderful husband, and now my career and my baby are coming along too. It's definitely going to be a lot of work to keep it all together, but I think I can do it. At least, I'll think I can do it as soon as I get some sleep!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

NYC is hot, hot, hot

I went to NYC this weekend with friends to see a soccer game. Beckham was playing, and, let's be honest, I played soccer in high school but I wasn't really there for the soccer.

I was kind of worried about telling everyone I was pregnant-- I didn't want to have to get all 007 with the fake drinks-- because none of them are married and most of them aren't in serious relationships, so babies really aren't on their radar. But I shouldn't have worried, because everyone was so excited! They all crowded around my iPhone to see my ultrasound pic, and after I told them it was the size of a raspberry, everyone kept asking all weekend "How's the raspberry doing??" It was really cute, and really nice that everyone was so happy for me and Tyler. There was one friend who when I told him said "Oh... uh... really?? Wow... so has Tyler found any dinosaurs yet this summer??" but everyone else was super excited.

The game was really fun and really hot. In more ways than one. All the girls in my group were hoping Beckham would take off his shirt, but he hadn't towards the end of the game, so when he was taking a corner kick I yelled at the top of my lungs, "TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!!!" Everyone in front of us turned around and stared at me and I was embarrassed until one of the women in front of us said "Hey, I'm with you!!" and then all the other women started laughing and applauding. And after the game was done, he did take off his shirt. Ahhh. It was beautiful. Mission accomplished.

We spent the rest of the time hanging out at one of the girls' apartment, where the CT people stayed the night, and we went to MoMA on Sunday (I hate modern art, I think it's pretentious and awful, but at least it was air-conditioned!). I was exhausted by the end of the weekend because the heat was too much for my pregnant self, but at least we didn't do too much walking around, and I didn't go out to bars with everyone on Saturday night (I stayed home and passed out!). And, not being able to drink really cuts down on the cost of a weekend in the city! [:)]

Tomorrow I leave for ND to see Tyler... at last. I can't wait to see him-- I haven't seen him since the first week of June, and of course not since I found out I was pregnant. It's going to be a very long trip with the "morning" sickness, especially since he lives 3 hours from the airport, but I would travel twice that far to see him. I've been missing him so much. Now I just wish today would go by quicker so I could get on that plane!!

I don't think I'll be blogging while I'm gone, so I'll have to catch up with you all a week from today... which, unfortunately, is also my first day of class (already!!), so I'm not sure how much time I'll have... but have a great week everyone, I'll miss reading about you all! [:)]

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump...

143 beats per minute. I'm tentatively due March 5. And if you all don't mind seeing the inside of my uterus...


Baby's first photo. I am exhausted but proud and happy. (Also, if one more person tries to peer at my vag today, there will be violence.)

Thank you so much for all your good wishes and faith that our little baby was in there. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

So nervous for tomorrow

I'm still at my parents' (and not feeling so hot), so this will just be quick update before tomorrow's OB appointment. I am starting to get really terrified that they're going to do the ultrasound and tell me that it's still just a yolk sac, and I'll have to get a D&C. Not seeing a fetal pole at 6w1d is not a promising sign, even if it doesn't mean a whole lot because it's so early. I just wish Tyler could be here to go to the appointment with me.

I keep seeing all these posts on the first trimester message board about how these women saw the heartbeat on ultrasound at 6 weeks, and it makes me so sad. I just get this awful feeling in my stomach because I feel like I know in my bones that there's nothing in there. I've gone back and forth about this in my head ever since last Monday, but as the appointment gets closer, I just feel dread. I've stopped looking up baby stuff because I am desperately trying to suppress any excitement I've been feeling about the baby. On the other hand, if it's just a sac I might as well know about it because it's not going to change, and I've been so sick that I just want them to take it out (and they will have to; I haven't had a drop of blood) if I'm going through all this for an empty sac. My mom keeps telling me that since I'm sick I shouldn't worry, but I know that it's the supportive cells and not the baby that make you sick, so that doesn't necessarily mean anything...

Well, I guess I'll know tomorrow one way or another. Luckily the ultrasound is first and it's at 9:30 in the morning. I'm supposed to be at the OB until noon, talking to the doctor and giving blood and such, but if it's just a sac then I doubt I will have to stay. Send good thoughts to me and my embryo...

And sorry I haven't been up on my blog reading and commenting. I have just been trying to spend time with my parents and distract myself until the moment of truth tomorrow.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Forgot this

I'm 7 weeks now. I meant to take belly pics every week and have miserably failed (did I really lose that mother of the year award already??)... so here is my 7w1d belly pic:


Do you love the bloat? I do. (Don't mind the skanky outfit, please.)

So I sat down on my couch after blogging earlier and thought hmmm, I think I'll reward myself for being done by watching Sex and the City all afternoon. Apparently, my body had other ideas because it replied "WHAM!!! Thanks for playing!!! Have a 4-hour coma-like sleep and a nice throbbing headache when you wake up!! P.S., no ibuprofen allowed!! Enjoy pregnancy!!" Ah, the joys.

Have lovely evenings everyone!

Back from boards

Well, I'm done! I took the test in four hours, which is only half of the time they allow for it. I don't know why they give you so much time-- seriously, it's all multiple choice and extremely either-you-know-it-or-you-don't.

And while I'm glad to be finished, I really didn't feel that great about the exam. There were a lot of answers I knew immediately, but it felt like a LOT of the time I had absolutely no clue what to put. They scale the test in an awesome way (I think you get a 40-something even if you get 0 questions right) and you need a 75 to pass, so I'm sure that I passed... but I have one of those irritating personalities that won't let me be proud of myself unless I feel like I've done really well. I definitely didn't do really well. Objectively I know I should be proud, considering everything that's been going on, but, well, I just don't. I am happy to be done with second year, though-- it's about time, middle of July!!

The morning sickness was pretty intense this morning, although I know it was made worse by the fact that I was so nervous. I dry-heaved a couple times getting in the car, so I sat down and said out loud, "You can't do that today." And then I drove to the testing center, went in, and asked the sign-in lady if I could have a trashcan next to me because I'm seven weeks pregnant and I've been sick in the mornings.

Her: "I'm sorry, no, you can't have a trashcan."

Me: "What... really??"

Her: "Mmmhmm... a trashcan would be an unfair advantage, so I can't allow you to have one."

Me: "A trashcan to throw up in is an unfair advantage???"

Her: "Sorry!"

Ugh. Whatever. So I had to leave the testing room and hurry over to the bathroom every time I felt sick. Luckily I didn't throw up, I really think it was mostly nerves, and I only had to leave three or four times. Still, though... isn't morning sickness really more of an unfair disadvantage?? I wanted to take her trashcan and upend it over her head.

So... done! I don't know what I'll do with all my free time now! My parents, as it turns out, aren't getting back from ND until tomorrow night, so I'm going there first thing Wednesday morning. I will probably do a lot of sleeping and watching movies before then! My ultrasound is Friday... I am trying to suppress the fear that I will come out of all this with nothing but an empty gestational sac and a mediocre boards score...

Now, I'm off to catch up on my blog reading and sleep!

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Is D-day. NBDE-day. Time to take the national boards, at last!!

By the way, I am not dead. I just banned myself from the Nest in order to get my study on (assisted by the fact that my internet was down from Thursday through Saturday). And tomorrow, after 8 hours of exam horribleness, I will be free for two whole weeks!!

I feel so ready for this, I've been studying for weeks (actually, years). I'm still very sick in the mornings, but I am prepared to bring a trashcan in there with me, and if I vomit in front of all the other test-takers, they will just have to deal with it. I will calmly dispose of the vomit and continue with my test. I'm just so excited to be thisclose to being DONE!!! Even though third year starts in just two weeks, I will still feel such an overwhelming sense of relief-- I'll have proved that I'm ready to treat patients of my very own.

Once I'm finished with the test, I'm packing my bags and going to stay at my parents' house until my OB appointment on Friday. I desperately need to get out of this apartment and rejoin civilization (and, um, have them wait on me hand and foot), and they are conveniently coming back from vacation tomorrow. And whatever happens on Friday at the doctor's, I will be okay. We will be okay. I can be proud of myself for getting through these last three weeks even with everything that's happened. At least I'll know for sure what's going on in there, and at this point that is all I can ask for.

24 hours from now, I'll be in that room, on that computer, taking that test-- at last! Wish me luck!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Deep breath

Okay. Whew. What an interesting few days I've had! (That's what I can tell myself-- no matter what else happens, hey, at least I'm not bored!) I was finally able to reach Tyler and my parents, who have now all been sucked up by the no-cell-phone black hole of communication that is North Dakota. I've googled like a madwoman. And I am feeling better.

Every morning I just have to keep telling myself: yes, there is a lot going on right now, but you've gotten through everything so far. A lot of it really sucks, but if you don't get out of bed in the morning and go for a walk and eat something and start studying, no one is going to do it for you. You're on your own with this, for now, but you've been doing it on your own for two weeks, so you can just keep doing it. There really isn't any other option, so-- GET! UP! NOW! MOVE that pregnant butt!!!!

Dr. Internet told me that people often don't see a fetal pole at 6 weeks, and even if that weren't true, there would be nothing I could do. I got my HCG level checked, so I can find out what that was when I go get my Rhogam shot this morning (I'm Rh negative). I think I have to get it checked again tomorrow. And then on the 18th, hopefully I will have a story just like all the ones I read online yesterday-- I'll go in and see a little embryo with a heart beating and that worry, at least, will be over with. I really wish I hadn't gone for that ultrasound, because if 6 weeks is on the maybe-you'll-see-it, maybe-you-won't borderline, I'd've preferred to wait until I could get a definite answer. But, I was having pain and a tiny spot of pink (which now I can't figure out if I imagined, because it was so light and I haven't seen anything since), so I had to go see if it was ectopic. The pain was a big cyst in my ovary, by the way-- about half the size of my fist!! Which they said will go away on its own, and I get those often anyway. Anyway, I still feel like crap and I can't eat my cereal with milk to save my life (how come I never realized how disgusting that sh*t is before??), so I am going to assume there is a baby in there until proven otherwise.

Somehow, even with all of this going on, I've really gotten a lot of studying done for the boards. I'm feeling pretty confident about them. I mean, I guess I have basically been studying for them for the last two years, but I do feel like I've gotten through a lot of material in the past week and a half. And now there's less than a week until it's all done with! I can't wait.

So, I'm off for my morning walk. Thanks so much for your support yesterday, ladies, it really did help a lot!!

Monday, July 7, 2008


I had the ultrasound and bloodwork. There's a sac measuring 6w1d (exactly where I thought I was), and a yolk sac, but the tech couldn't see a fetal pole. She said it was probably just too early and I shouldn't give up... they'll do another one in a week.

I don't know what to think. I am pretty sure that means there's no baby, but I guess I have to do some research. I don't even know how I feel about that. I know all I ever do on my blog is whine, but honestly, I have been through so much lately that I don't even know how to feel anymore.

Thanks for all your good wishes this morning.

Scary morning

I woke up this morning spotting a little bit with a sharp pain in my side. I'm waiting for my OB to call me back. I'm totally freaked out, especially because I have no one here to help me. Please keep me in your thoughts and I'll keep you all posted.

Friday, July 4, 2008

It's going to be a long week

All this alone time is really starting to get to me. I have way too much time to think, and I am waaayyyyy oversensitive and hormonal. Thankfully, my parents visited me yesterday and brought me dinner. I am so glad they are close by. I've often wished I went to a different dental school so I wouldn't have had to go through the med school classes, but at times like this I am really glad I didn't, because my parents are only an hour away. Unfortunately they are leaving tomorrow to go visit my in-laws in ND, and they won't be back until July 15.

So, I will have a week left until my board exam (July 14) to sit here alone and try to study. If I could, I would just take the stupid thing today. I've worked my butt off for two years, and these last two weeks of nothing but studying are like torture. I feel like it's not going to make a difference as to my score, so I'd rather just get this 8-hour test over with already!! Besides, I'm so distracted by the pregnancy that I'm not getting that much done anyway.

Well, it's time to get going on the studying, I guess... I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend, and I hope it's not raining where you are like it is in CT right now! Enjoy your time off, everyone!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

New apartment, here we come!

I signed the lease on the new apartment yesterday. I'm really excited about it. It's just been renovated, so it has all new appliances, granite countertops, a gas fireplace (!!) and a walk-in closet in the master bedroom! And it's on the second floor on a corner, so because of the way the building is set up we won't have to hear people walking around above us. I still can't believe how inexpensive the rent is (for CT, anyway). Overall, it is perfect. I just wish Tyler could have been here to share my excitement.

We had a nice phone conversation yesterday that made me feel better, though. He is getting excited about the baby, and he told me I did a really good job of finding a nice place to live for not too much money. I've started to look at stuff for the nursery, which I know is premature, but it's still fun! Tyler doesn't want to find out the sex (although I may have to throw down on him eventually, since I am the one who has to feel like poo all day long), so it's kind of hard to find stuff I like that is gender-neutral.

Lambs & Ivy Zoofari

I like this safari theme, though I'm not sure if it's too little-boy-ish. Anyway, this brings me to my next point...

I'm starting to get really anxious about possibly losing the baby. It's still so early in the pregnancy, and somehow within less than 2 weeks I have gone from being really upset about it to really nervous about losing it. I feel almost guilty looking at nursery stuff because I feel like it's just not a sure thing yet. I definitely feel guilty about getting my parents and Tyler's parents all excited about the baby when we don't know if it is happening for sure, because if it doesn't happen, they're going to have to wait years until we try again.

And I know this is really silly, but what if this is my only chance? What if it's not an indication that I actually don't have fertility problems like my doctor said I would, but instead it's just some weird coincidence that I was able to get pregnant? I am kind of freaked out about this, even though I know that logically it's approximately the dumbest idea ever.

Anyway, I guess I'm scared that I'm starting to get excited when I am only about six weeks in. And there's the whole moving thing, too-- because now we're locked into moving, and if I lose it, we'll have this extra room for the next few years that was supposed to be for the baby. I know we didn't have a choice because our lease was up, but I still can't help feeling... weird about all this.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Technical difficulties

Well, this was bound to happen at some point... raise your hand if you saw this coming! I'm having a really hard time with Tyler being gone, and with everything that's going on. Every time I talk to him on the phone, we end up arguing because I'm hormonal and crabby and terrified, and he's busy and crabby and terrified. I think most of the problem lies in the fact that I'm stuck here in this apartment all alone for two weeks, and I'm supposed to be studying constantly for one of the most important exams of my career. Oh yeah, you know, and the whole pregnant thing.

It is really, really scary for me to be here all alone and be this sick all the time. I am usually very independent, but I just wish he could be here to take care of me, even if there's really nothing he can do. For one thing, there is a bunch of food in the fridge that I want to throw away but I can't touch it without dry-heaving over the sink for 5 minutes!

And I want him to be here to see the new apartment with me today, and to sign the lease. I want him to walk into the second bedroom and smile at me because it will be our baby's room. I want him to lay next to me at night and rub my belly, and bring me crackers in the morning before I get up so I don't feel so sick. I want him to come to my first prenatal appointment and hold my hand and see the first ultrasound. I want to just be able to talk to him about all this face-to-face, not over the phone, so I can get inside his head just a little bit, because I am having a really hard time figuring out what's going on in there. One minute he's freaking out about finances, the next minute he's hoping it's twins (okay, seriously, WTF???) and bragging about how awesome his "swimmers" are (I may castrate him when I see him again, I haven't decided). I know this was a big shock for both of us, and we can't expect to get over it and get used to it after just one week. But being 2,000 miles apart is not helping. At all. And it really doesn't help that he only has about 20 minutes to talk to me every day, because he's so busy with his research foundation.

So, I really don't know how to fix this, because first of all the hormones are not going to go away, and second of all there just isn't a possibility of seeing him until I go out there on July 22. It seems so far away...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Note to self: self, you are not Superwoman

So I got up early this morning and I felt pretty good. No nausea to speak of, and I wasn't even really tired. I thought, this morning sickness stuff is a crock. I've just convinced myself to be sick because pregnant women are supposed to be sick. If I just distract myself and don't think about it, I'll be fine. So I started to clean the bathroom, and whoa, the smell of the cleaner about knocked me on my butt. I thought, okay, I will just go for my run. Five minutes in, I'm dry-heaving on the side of the path and the other early-morning runners are avoiding me like the plague. I wanted to yell, "believe me, it's not contagious!!"

I really haven't been taking it that easy since I found out I was pregnant. I mean, I have the boards in two weeks, and since Tyler isn't here I have to do everything myself, including finding a new apartment, so I figured I didn't have time to wallow. Well, I think I need to start slowing it down a bit. I've still been exercising every day, keeping the apartment really clean, visiting friends, and being really hard on myself for not studying 24/7 for the boards. In reality, I am getting plenty of studying done, and I still have two weeks left... and I really don't need to run every single day, and no one's gonna die if the apartment gets a speck of dust in it. I need to quit being so Type A. If possible.

And I'm going to start right now, by lying down! (With my anatomy flashcards. Baby steps, people.) Before I go, though, here's a nice pic of my cat Simba, trying to figure out why I find the toilet so interesting these days:

"Mom, why are you always kneeling on the floor and looking in here??"