I was pretty weepy today. I know that's totally lame because I got a whole year at home, which is a heck of a lot more than many moms get. But I can't believe this day is actually here-- it's been in the back of my mind since I left last December.
Our apartment is all clean and organized, the laundry is done, I made lots of Caroline's food and stocked it up in the freezer. Tyler will be watching her for the next week until he goes back to school, and then she'll go to daycare. I'm hoping that will make the transition a little easier. I just keep reminding myself, this was going to be difficult no matter when it happened, and it's got to happen sometime... just push on through the first few weeks and it will get easier. Picking up classes and rebuilding my patient family seems so impossible right now, but my school is being as supportive as they can be, and I guess I will just have to do my best.
It doesn't help, though, when people (professors, or friends, or whoever) say stuff like "oh wow. It's going to be so hard for you." Or "good luck with the transition, this is going to be so tough." Huh... really? It's not going to be easy? That is so disappointing. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park! In fact, back when I was finishing my second year and studying for boards, I thought "you know what would make my life a lot easier? Having a baby. I should probably get on that."
Hrmph. I know it's going to be really hard. Nobody knows that better than I do. And I am already nervous as hell about going back only to fall flat on my face and fail. I don't need to be reminded that that is the most likely scenario. Kthx.
Anyway. I was putting Caroline to bed tonight and I was crying while I rocked with her in the glider (what? It was only like the fourth time today. That's pretty good, right?) She lay there with her head on my chest for a few minutes and then picked up her head and stared at me. I tried to pretend I wasn't upset... until... she pulled her binky out of her mouth and tried to stick it in mine. Like it would make me stop crying and feel better. It was so sweet that I freaking lost it.
Sigh. I'm going to miss her, it's only natural, but I've got to stop making this worse for myself than it has to be.
You know what will make me feel better? Sharing pictures of Caroline's first Christmas. Without further ado...
Okay, everyone watch me open my presents!
I will update at some point once I figure out how to operate myself as a mother and a dental student. If I don't show up within a month, send a search party. Wish me luck!