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Monday, June 23, 2008

Shock

Okay, first of all, if you're trying to have a baby and having trouble conceiving, please do not read this.

I posted a few hours ago that my period was late and I was going to get a pregnancy test. I saw a faint line and MandyEworth told me that meant it was positive (I am stupid about these things and thought maybe it was negative since it was lighter than the control line). I feel numb. I don't know what to think. Okay, yes I do know what to think. What the hell?!?!?!? How could this have happened?? I have ovarian cysts, my gynecologist told me I would most likely need drugs to help me conceive when it came time for that. I saw my ovaries on ultrasound, they look like Swiss cheese. How in the heck does that work?!? I feel sort of betrayed, even though it's not like we just took that to mean we could do whatever we wanted and not use birth control. We use FAM and condoms (and according to my chart, I ovulated a week after we last had unprotected sex-- so what the heck happened there??).

I am panicking. My husband is going to freak out. How are we going to get through school?? I've put us so far in debt trying to be a dentist, and now this happens. Now is not the time. We can't afford a child. My hands are shaking.

How am I ever going to get any of the doctors in clinic to respect me? How am I going to earn their respect if what they will see as evidence of my carelessness is sticking right out under their noses?? What are all my classmates going to think? Nobody (at least, no woman) has a child during dental school. It's just not something you do.

Worst of all, we just aren't emotionally ready for a child. We aren't ready to give up our lifestyle. We aren't ready to be that selfless. Tyler is going to be so upset, I have no idea how I'm going to tell him. He's not even here, and I won't see him until the end of July. I'm going to have to tell him over the phone. Ohmygod. I can't believe this.

The test instructions said that if the line was faint, I should take another one first thing in the morning. I got this digital test that tells you "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and I'm going to use it in the morning so I don't have to mess around with terrifying ghostly lines.

Please, someone out there who this has happened to, tell me this is going to be okay.

Update: couldn't wait. Had to know. Holy fucking shit.

1 comment:

~Evie~ said...

I know this is really old but I would just like you to know you aren't alone in how you felt. I am just starting to read your blog (figured I would start at the beginning); I am on poster on THE BUMP as well and saw your link in your siggy.

I was the exact same way as you when I found out. I cried hysterically and kept saying "I can't be pregnant, I don't know how to be a mom, I JUST decided I didn't think I wanted kids". Its a scary life chaning thing and I just thought you'd like to know you weren't alone.