Update

Okay, finally time to write an update to my frantic post from yesterday. Stupid dental school, getting in the way of the important stuff... I told Tyler about the baby when he called last night. I had to wait until 10pm because he's busy until 8pm (mountain time) and anyway he had no idea that I was literally sitting on the couch and shaking, waiting for him to call.

Me: Hi honey, how was your day?

Tyler: Good, we found some really great...

Me (interrupting): Okay sorry I'm going to have to ruin your day. (Great lead-off, Julia. Way to start positively.) Um... I... I have to tell you something... and I just don't want you to be mad... I know this is my fault because I must have messed up somehow and I'm just so scared so please, please don't be angry with me. ... (gasping for air and starting to cry) I'm pregnant.

Long, dead silence where only noise is me struggling not to cry into the phone... Me: Please say something.

Tyler: Are you sure?

Me: Um, yes?

Another long silence... Tyler: Okay, we're going to work it out.

Thank GOD!! We talked about it for about an hour and, well, we are both scared stupid about this, and it's terrible timing, but we wanted kids once I was done with dental school anyway. I don't know why I was so terrified to tell him, I know that this will be more difficult for me than for him since he's done with classes and can do his research and dissertation on his own time, and besides he doesn't have to carry and deliver the baby. Part of me wishes he were thrilled, because that would make me feel better about it, but the reality is that we're not thrilled... we're just hoping to get there sooner rather than later.

What stinks (okay, one of the things that stinks) is that we're going to have to make a lot of big decisions within the next week, and I'm only like 5 weeks along so we don't know if I will miscarry. I have to submit my student loan application, and we have to sign our new lease (our apartment is barely big enough for us, let alone a child)... I don't know, I'm sure there are more things we have to do, but I am totally clueless about this because it just wasn't on my radar yet.

I stopped by my ob/gyn because she's at the hospital I go to school at, and they made me an appointment for July 31. I am a little confused about this... I thought at least they would give me a blood test to make sure I am pregnant? But apparently they just trust the home pregnancy tests and wait to take people until the first trimester screening. I have to admit that when the receptionist said the words "first trimester" I thought I was going to have a heart attack because I am still not used to this idea. Then when I was leaving she said "oh, and congratulations!!" and my first impulse was to kick her in the teeth, because I was wearing surgical blues and I look like I'm 16 and does this seem like a "congratulations" situation to you, lady?? I am hoping to be a little more gracious about this soon... anyway, it did make me feel a little better somehow. For some reason I feel like I'm in high school and everyone will judge me and look down on me and know that we didn't mean to have a child now. I can't even imagine telling my parents... oh, lord... let's not think about that now...

So, thank you all for your encouraging comments on my last post, because they also made me feel a lot better, especially the orthodontist (oh my GOD you have no idea how much better that made me feel, school-wise!!!). I am going to try as hard as I can to make this real in my head, so... without further ado, the "before" pic:

Great, I'm already a little bloated. Let the journey begin!