Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Technical difficulties

Well, this was bound to happen at some point... raise your hand if you saw this coming! I'm having a really hard time with Tyler being gone, and with everything that's going on. Every time I talk to him on the phone, we end up arguing because I'm hormonal and crabby and terrified, and he's busy and crabby and terrified. I think most of the problem lies in the fact that I'm stuck here in this apartment all alone for two weeks, and I'm supposed to be studying constantly for one of the most important exams of my career. Oh yeah, you know, and the whole pregnant thing.

It is really, really scary for me to be here all alone and be this sick all the time. I am usually very independent, but I just wish he could be here to take care of me, even if there's really nothing he can do. For one thing, there is a bunch of food in the fridge that I want to throw away but I can't touch it without dry-heaving over the sink for 5 minutes!

And I want him to be here to see the new apartment with me today, and to sign the lease. I want him to walk into the second bedroom and smile at me because it will be our baby's room. I want him to lay next to me at night and rub my belly, and bring me crackers in the morning before I get up so I don't feel so sick. I want him to come to my first prenatal appointment and hold my hand and see the first ultrasound. I want to just be able to talk to him about all this face-to-face, not over the phone, so I can get inside his head just a little bit, because I am having a really hard time figuring out what's going on in there. One minute he's freaking out about finances, the next minute he's hoping it's twins (okay, seriously, WTF???) and bragging about how awesome his "swimmers" are (I may castrate him when I see him again, I haven't decided). I know this was a big shock for both of us, and we can't expect to get over it and get used to it after just one week. But being 2,000 miles apart is not helping. At all. And it really doesn't help that he only has about 20 minutes to talk to me every day, because he's so busy with his research foundation.

So, I really don't know how to fix this, because first of all the hormones are not going to go away, and second of all there just isn't a possibility of seeing him until I go out there on July 22. It seems so far away...

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