Since I'm never on here anymore, when I do get on, all I do is write a quick obligatory summary of everything that's going on around me, and maybe post a belly pic (no 20-week pic, though, sorry-- I forgot!), but I never talk about what's going on in my head anymore.
So, even though I'm smack in the middle of horrible midterms, I thought I'd take a minute to write out the mess of thoughts that is the inside of my brain lately.
I've been feeling pretty good physically--- the migraines with tunnel vision have slowed down to about once a week, and my only real complaint is my new symptom of back pain. (I have worried about a lot of pregnancy-related things, but I never considered the fact that my petite frame is not really built to carry extra weight, so I guess my back is starting to pay the price already.) I'm sure it's nothing to what I'll be dealing with in the third trimester! Anyway, feeling good is great, but it does leave a lot of time open for those pesky doubts to creep in...
My biggest worry is that I'm not in a place in my life to be a good mom. Yes, I still freak out about this. In fact, it only seems to get more pressing as I get more pregnant. This baby is coming whether we're ready or not, and I don't even have time to work on the nursery, or read any of my parenting books. How am I going to have time to care for and play with my baby when I have all this school stuff to contend with?? The thing that really got me going on this was a news story I read last week during class... I'm sure you've heard of it, I think I'm pretty late on mentioning it, but it was about this mother who had such a crazy busy life and tried so hard to be supermom that one day she forgot that her sleeping baby was still in the carseat when she got to work, and she went about her day until someone told her after like eight hours that the baby was there, and she raced out to the car and her baby was dead.
Seriously, I am shivering right now typing this. That story made my heart feel ice cold. I am sure plenty of people think "how could she forget her child?? What's wrong with her??" but really, I could see how it could happen. I am constantly racing around doing a million things with my mind always on something else, and if something happened to mess up my routine, I could definitely see something like that happening. I literally closed my eyes and sat there shaking in the middle of class. I can't imagine the guilt that mother must feel, my heart breaks for her.
So that petrified me to the point that I am now writing obsessive lists about everything I have to do so that I don't forget anything, and I now put my purse in the backseat every time I drive somewhere, so that I will do that when I have the baby and I'll see it if it's still in the carseat when I get to school and that will never, never happen to me. I realize I'm being a paranoid, crazy pregnant lady. But that story really shook me, because I know deep down that it's something that could happen to me, and really I'm mostly just afraid that my life is too busy to fit a baby into it. I want to give this baby the world, and I don't know if I'm even going to be able to give it the basic things that it needs because I'm just. So. Busy. I just couldn't stop thinking about this story all week.
Anyway, I know that things will fall into place and everything will work out-- it has to. There's just no way that it won't. Until I have this baby and we get a nice, stable routine figured out, I'm sure I will be terrified that I will make some massive screw-up like this. As a matter of fact, knowing me, I will probably always be scared that I'll do something wrong. But hey, maybe that's just motherhood. I wouldn't know.
I have so much more to say about other topics but it will all have to wait for another post, because I need to get going on my studying... but, last thing: we have our big ultrasound tomorrow!! I am so stinking excited that it's finally time to see the baby and get a picture of him or her...