Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Does this baby make my butt look big?

Okay, I realize this post is going to make a lot of people want to smack me upside the head. And I could probably use a slap or two. But, I think this is something a lot of pregnant women struggle with, no matter how much weight they've gained.

It's so hard, especially when you've lived your entire life as a petite skinny person, to watch your body expand uncontrollably. Never mind what I started out at, or what I've gained-- I know I'm still at the minimum end of the weight gain scale for where I'm at in pregnancy, so it's not like I'm worried about it or anything... it's just kind of scary to watch yourself get bigger and bigger, especially when you've always been careful about how much you eat and how much you weigh. I feel hungry all the time. I eat constantly. I can't work out as much because I don't have much time with school and everything, but also because I don't feel as comfortable running as I get bigger. I really don't like going to the doctor every month and stepping on the scale. My OB is really strict about weight gain-- at my first appointment, they told me I should gain about 20 pounds. 20!! I started out underweight, and everything I read tells me to gain 30-35 pounds (and realistically, that's where I'm headed). I just wish my doctor hadn't told me 20, because now when I inevitably exceed it, I'm going to feel horrible about it.

It's not so much about looking thin-- I know that I look fine. I can still see my fricking ribs above my bulging belly! It's just the idea of gaining all that weight, and wondering how long it will take to come off. I don't like to see the numbers on the scale go up, plain and simple. It's all in a good cause, I know. But it's hard to feel complacent about it when in our society, women are so trained to want to be ridiculously skinny, and we see these celebrities gain hardly any baby weight and lose it all-- and then some-- a couple of weeks after giving birth, and they're just practically worshipped for it. It's sick. And it messes with my head.

Seeing the baby on the ultrasound the other day helped a lot, though. I feel so in love with him or her that I'd gladly gain twice the weight I'm going to, if it would make the baby healthy. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling kind of uncomfortable in this new, bigger body.

I'd post my 21-week belly pic, but I know if I put it in this post, everyone would have to be all "you are so NOT fat!!!" which I do realize that I'm not, but I really am not looking for that kind of attention here. Just trying to get these thoughts out and try to come to terms with them, because I have a lot of weight still left to gain, and I'd rather be at peace with it if I can.

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