Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I blame my scrubs

I've been the worst slacker lately when it comes to blogging, and I think I know why. It's my scrubs. They just encourage laziness. When you can basically pull on pajamas and consider them "professional attire", there just doesn't seem to be any reason to motivate yourself to do anything!

No, actually, I've just been really busy with school and clinic. I figured something had to go by the wayside, and it wasn't going to be sleeping, eating, or peeing (my three most frequent activities these days), so it ended up being blogging and fun internet time... oh, and working out. What?? I just can't find the time... [:)]

This afternoon my patient canceled, so I got to come home at 4, so today is the day I catch up on blogging and working out, and maybe sneak in a little nap. Ahhhh, paradise. All I do these days is run around with a crazed look on my face, with approximately the following thoughts running through my head: "call patient... need daycare... want to nap... no, can't nap... food need food now now now... " It's getting pretty exhausting. I've noticed that I do have more energy this trimester, but unfortunately I still don't have as much as I need to get everything done and still have a little time to myself. And I am constantly so stressed about getting in enough clinic time before the baby comes that my jaw is clenched and my entire body is so tense that I am shaking by the time I get home.

Because of this, I've been thinking about taking a leave from school. I've always been a high-strung and overachieving person, and I think I might need to take the pressure off for a little while, for both my sake and the baby's. It can't be good for it to swim around in all my stress-induced cortisol. (Speaking of swimming around, I feel it kick around in there a lot now!! But I digress.) My tentative plan is to take leave starting after this semester, and go back next fall or even the fall after. I just feel like I'm not going to be a good mother the way things are going now. I'm so tense and on-edge all the time, and I can't imagine it will get better once I have an infant to care for. I snap at Tyler all the time, to the point where he just tries to stay out of my way. I have no friends who understand what I'm going through, so I feel really lonely a lot of the time... or at least, I would if I stopped and sat down for just a minute. I also feel really guilty about sending the baby to daycare for 10 hours per day when it will only be six weeks old. That was never something I wanted to do as a mom, and if I can avoid it, why not?

Wow, this post deteriorated into a lot of whining pretty quickly... but, that's what's been on my mind. Tyler doesn't seem very excited about this prospect, because I was supposed to be the one done with school first and making money, but, well, plans change and unexpected things happen. And if I'm really unhappy at school, I am just going to have to take a little time off... I know he will support me in the end, and we would figure things out financially.

Anyway, here's last week's belly pics:



I should really just take my 17-week pics too, since that will be tomorrow, but the call of my much-awaited nap is too strong!

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