Monday, August 25, 2008

The perils of unplanned pregnancy

I debated with myself whether or not I should write a post about this, because it's going to sound a little whiny, but I decided that this is how I'm feeling lately, so I should just go for it.

I always try to talk about the good things, and the progress Tyler and I have made, because I really don't see the point in getting depressed about how "this wasn't how we planned our lives to go" or "we just aren't ready for this"... because like it or not, the baby is coming, and even with everything else we have going on, I prefer to like it, thanks very much. And since I have PCOS, I guess I'd rather see it as a stroke of luck, because we could have had plenty of trouble conceiving later on. And with everything else that's been working out for us, it just seems, I don't know... manageable.

But I still have times when I feel sad that I'm losing my freedom, and that it's going to be so much harder for me to get through school than the other girls in my class, and there are plenty of moments when I feel overwhelmed and just... not ready. I think I've been doing okay with those, and they get less frequent as I get bigger and more excited about the baby. But Tyler is having a really tough time. He's getting excited too, but nothing is changing in his body, and he was gone for almost the entire first trimester. I feel like he's having trouble getting ready, and sometimes I feel scared that he's not going to ever be ready, and that he's not at a place in his life where he can be a good father. I wish that I could just have peed on that stick and seen a positive and then we could just throw out our plans and make new ones and live happily ever after, but the reality is that it just isn't that easy, and things don't happen like that if babies aren't on your radar.

I want to be there for him and comfort him, but it's really scary for me to have to listen to him say that he's depressed because his life isn't working out the way he planned, or that he's not ready to give up partying on the weekends. I know I need to be supportive. But you know, I'm in it now. I'm pregnant and I'm staying that way. Technically, he could get up and walk away if he wanted to (even though I know he never, ever would), but I'm in this for the long haul. So I start to panic a little bit when he talks that way, because even if he would never leave, I just hate feeling like he's not really in this with me. And that makes it really hard to be the strong one and tell him everything's going to be okay. Especially when I'm so irritable and hormonal and tearful, and sick with a cold, and so tired from school plus the pregnancy that I feel like I'm constantly moving through molasses... and he has no idea what any of that feels like physically, and I don't know how to get it through to him without him feeling like I'm just complaining.

Anyway, I know I can't expect him to become Superdad overnight, and he keeps reminding me of that too. We talked about this yesterday and he said he's going to find someone else to talk to about it because I can't handle it. Well, I know it sounds awful, but I guess I really can't. I had to be all strong and independent the entire time he was gone, and I wanted him to come back and take care of me and be excited with me. And while he does nice things for me all the time, he hasn't really gotten that excited part down yet... so I guess I have to just wait and keep reminding myself to be realistic. He will be ready, I know it... but when??

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