Now entering the second trimester!

Well, today is the first day of my second trimester. It's so weird. When I was about 6 weeks along and having that "no fetal pole" scare, I felt like I would literally never get here... and now here I am! With a little bloaty belly to show for it. I feel like it's okay to have a belly today. Yesterday, it just meant I was fat, but today, it's definitely baby. [:)] (Since I just posted my 12w pic, I figured I'd skip the 13w one...)

I don't have a whole lot to report, other than the following:

1. I did my first crown prep today and it was actually really fun. I had been wondering when we were going to learn how to do crowns since no one had ever mentioned them throughout the first two years of dental school.
2. Monday, September 1 is our first anniversary! We are delinquent and have no plans. Whatever we do will probably involve eating a lot of food, since I am eating everything that isn't nailed down these days. It is so great to be free of the morning sickness!
3. Our apartment and all our pets are infested with fleas, and Frontline isn't working. I don't know what we're going to do-- the vet said we could bring them in for a flea treatment, but we'd need to flea-bomb our apartment. And I can't do that because I'm pregnant! If anyone has any suggestions, please post below...

The perils of unplanned pregnancy

I debated with myself whether or not I should write a post about this, because it's going to sound a little whiny, but I decided that this is how I'm feeling lately, so I should just go for it.

I always try to talk about the good things, and the progress Tyler and I have made, because I really don't see the point in getting depressed about how "this wasn't how we planned our lives to go" or "we just aren't ready for this"... because like it or not, the baby is coming, and even with everything else we have going on, I prefer to like it, thanks very much. And since I have PCOS, I guess I'd rather see it as a stroke of luck, because we could have had plenty of trouble conceiving later on. And with everything else that's been working out for us, it just seems, I don't know... manageable.

But I still have times when I feel sad that I'm losing my freedom, and that it's going to be so much harder for me to get through school than the other girls in my class, and there are plenty of moments when I feel overwhelmed and just... not ready. I think I've been doing okay with those, and they get less frequent as I get bigger and more excited about the baby. But Tyler is having a really tough time. He's getting excited too, but nothing is changing in his body, and he was gone for almost the entire first trimester. I feel like he's having trouble getting ready, and sometimes I feel scared that he's not going to ever be ready, and that he's not at a place in his life where he can be a good father. I wish that I could just have peed on that stick and seen a positive and then we could just throw out our plans and make new ones and live happily ever after, but the reality is that it just isn't that easy, and things don't happen like that if babies aren't on your radar.

I want to be there for him and comfort him, but it's really scary for me to have to listen to him say that he's depressed because his life isn't working out the way he planned, or that he's not ready to give up partying on the weekends. I know I need to be supportive. But you know, I'm in it now. I'm pregnant and I'm staying that way. Technically, he could get up and walk away if he wanted to (even though I know he never, ever would), but I'm in this for the long haul. So I start to panic a little bit when he talks that way, because even if he would never leave, I just hate feeling like he's not really in this with me. And that makes it really hard to be the strong one and tell him everything's going to be okay. Especially when I'm so irritable and hormonal and tearful, and sick with a cold, and so tired from school plus the pregnancy that I feel like I'm constantly moving through molasses... and he has no idea what any of that feels like physically, and I don't know how to get it through to him without him feeling like I'm just complaining.

Anyway, I know I can't expect him to become Superdad overnight, and he keeps reminding me of that too. We talked about this yesterday and he said he's going to find someone else to talk to about it because I can't handle it. Well, I know it sounds awful, but I guess I really can't. I had to be all strong and independent the entire time he was gone, and I wanted him to come back and take care of me and be excited with me. And while he does nice things for me all the time, he hasn't really gotten that excited part down yet... so I guess I have to just wait and keep reminding myself to be realistic. He will be ready, I know it... but when??

Goodbye, Big Red

What a busy weekend! Last night, Tyler and I threw an engagement party for our good friends (we are both in the wedding party) and I think it was a huge success. About 18 people came, I think, so it was a lot of work for a sick pregnant girl! We made tons of appetizers and everyone really seemed to love the food and appreciate how much work we put into it all. The menu included: deviled eggs, chips and salsa, veggies and dip, cocktail shrimp, crab-stuffed mushrooms, double tomato bruschetta, chicken wings, and some desserts made by some of my girlfriends. Oh yeah, and sangria and beer to drink. We ended up leaving early (around 10:30) because I'm still hit pretty hard with this cold, but apparently people stayed the whole night and partied until about 3, so we did our job and people must have had fun!

Today, we went to my parents' house to check out all the baby stuff they've gotten us at yard sales, and to exchange cars. I know I shouldn't let myself think this because it's so generous of them to give us my mom's Subaru (she did need a new car anyway, but still, they could have traded it in!), but I was really sad to give up my Big Red. It's such a crappy little car, but I bought it myself with my own money when I was 17 and it's hardly ever given me any problems. Everyone hated the idea of me driving around in a '93 Geo Prizm, pregnant and in the snow, and I guess I agree... and I definitely did not want to put a carseat in it. So it's for the best, but today I am kind of mourning my little red Big Red. I wanted to name the new car Doublemint, since it's green and I like to name my cars after chewing gum, but Tyler said that was a stupid name. I think I am naming it that anyway. [:)]

So, it was an insane weekend, and with this disgusting cold I don't really feel recharged for the week ahead (people, just let me have my NyQuil, already...) but I am sure I will plow through it like always. Oh, and here's the 12-week belly pic I promised (although they're a little overdue at 12w3d). You can see my new haircut in it, kinda. I really needed something to make me feel pretty, since my skin is a wreck and I'm in that fat-looking stage that comes before true baby belly:

Hope everyone had great weekends that were much more relaxing than mine! [:)]

Nasty cold

Well, Tyler has passed his cold on to me, and I'm way more sympathetic to him now, because it is not a fun one. Although maybe it's worse to be sick when you're pregnant, I wouldn't know. Anyway, my amazing luck continues, because even though I am sick, I only had to stay at school until 10:30 today because I finished my dentures early!! So Tyler and I went to Babies R Us to look at baby things and to celebrate me being 12 weeks along. It was fun, but a little overwhelming for both of us, I think... babies just need so much stuff!!

And I've been able to sleep all afternoon, which has helped a little bit with the cold, I guess. Tylenol really isn't touching this headache, and when I called my OB they suggested a little bit of caffeine and "aromatherapy." Well, I've been sitting here with my head over a cup of mint tea for a half hour now, and let me tell you, it hasn't at all lessened my desire to rip my own face off. Needless to say, I'm wrapping up this post quickly and I don't have the energy for the promised belly pic... I wonder if having a cold makes the baby miserable too? I hope not. I guess the best I can do is not take any meds that would hurt it, which unfortunately (according to the doctor) includes my migraine meds and Sudafed... boooo...

"There are going to be days...

when you think you can't do this, but you can." I have this written on the inside of my appointment book and I look at it whenever I start to feel really overwhelmed with school and clinic and pregnancy symptoms and baby stuff. I'm really not a gung-ho mantra-type person (whatever that means), but I need something to get me through days like yesterday. Something that reminds me how hard I've worked to get here, and that I know I'm capable of doing all this!

I had a treatment planning session with a new patient yesterday, and I really had no idea what I was doing. With clinic, it's never the dentistry that causes me problems, because I absolutely love all that-- it's the stupid piles and piles of paperwork and thousands of signatures I need to get after every single thing I do! And treatment planning requires signatures from every doctor and their mom. Anyway, about 15 minutes into the appointment I almost passed out in front of the patient (I am having this awful dizziness lately), so that was embarrassing because I kept having to put my head between my knees. Then, the faculty member on duty didn't help me out at all even though I had no idea what to do, and on top of that he made my patient cry because he was too rough with her tongue during the oral cancer screening (yeah, I don't know, she was a little weird). So she demanded that he not come back in the room. I guess he wasn't being that much help anyway, but then I was completely on my own. Anyway, I ended up not getting anything entered into the computer and my team leader informed me the next day that I might as well not have done anything, and I'll have to bring the patient back in to do it all over again.

And it is just so frustrating!! I love talking to my patients, I love doing procedures, I even love filling out their charts and getting things done and making plans for their care, it's so satisfying to me. But all these stupid signatures are making me crazy, because I have pregnancy brain so bad I can't even remember people's names, let alone that I'm supposed to get this signature here and that signature there. I know, I shouldn't blame it on pregnancy, but I swear I am not normally this scatterbrained.

So I have that written in my planner, and I look at it whenever I feel like running screaming out of the operatory. Today was a better day-- I had a patient for a cleaning, and I've pretty much got that down now. Although, if another male patient teases me about how I'm bringing his blood pressure up while I'm taking his vitals, I might fly into a rage and tell them that hitting on pregnant women is in poor taste. (Not that they can tell under my scrubs... yet.)

And I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger-- meaning I'm a total slacker about posting my own blogs and reading/commenting on others'. It's tough to find the time lately, but I am hoping it'll get better when I get some energy back in the 2nd trimester and start to get the hang of things at school. At least, I am counting on that energy coming back soon... little baby, don't let me down!! [:)]

12 weeks pregnant tomorrow-- I promise I'll have belly pics since I skipped last week!

Step away from the daddy books

Ladies, think carefully before you buy your husband any daddy books. I bought "The Expectant Father" for Tyler and he's been reading it this weekend, which is great because he's so excited, but it leads to conversations like this...

Tyler: (yelling to me in the kitchen) When we go to your next appointment, can I look at your cervix?

Me: (yelling back, assuming I heard him wrong) What??

Tyler: At the doctor! Can I see your cervix? My book says it will help me understand the process better.

Me: (sticking my head out of the kitchen at him with a concerned look) Um... my... cervix? Uh... well... I guess, if it's important to you? I mean, I've never even seen it. Don't you think that's a little... weird??

Tyler: (shrugs, disappears behind daddy book)

I rest my case. My husband is the most anti-sensitive man ever. He does not do emotions, and he definitely does not do female bodily functions. He looks petrified whenever I mention my period. I do not know who has taken him and replaced him with this expectant father pod-person. If you have seen my actual husband, please return him ASAP. Thanks.

Anyway, it's been really great to have him back, aside from the cervix conversation. He came down with a cold, so he's been asleep most of the day, but I am just glad to have him here and to be able to look over and see him in his usual position, there in his recliner with the dog on his lap. Although... wait a minute... aren't I the one supposed to be getting spoiled with breakfast in bed and herbal tea?? Hmm...

Otherwise, all I have to report is: countdown to new apartment and new car = 2 weeks! Yay!! Hope you are all having lovely weekends.

Slowly sharing the news

Now that I've heard the baby's heartbeat on the doppler, I've started telling people at school that I'm pregnant. I've really only gotten two negative responses so far (both from faculty members), and the few classmates I've told have been really excited and supportive. It's sweet that my classmates are so psyched for me and Tyler, and I've even had a few offers to babysit already! [:)]

I just have to share the meeting I had with the dean of students, though... I expected him to be weird about it, because he's just an awkward man and he also blatantly dislikes women. And, well, he's just kind of mean, and I don't really like him. So first of all, he didn't even show up to the first meeting I scheduled with him (wtf). He did, however, show up for the rescheduled one:

Dean: So what are we meeting about?

Me: Well, I'm pregnant.

Dean: ::raises eyebrows, long awkward silence:: Oh. ::more silence:: Well, not many people do that here.

Me: (suppressing an eye-roll and wondering what the correct response is) Yeah...

Dean: Well, I guess it's possible.

Me: (trying really hard not to reach over and bash his face into his desk) I've booked myself into clinic through the beginning of October, I'm doing my best to front-load the year so that I can take six weeks of leave.

Dean: Mmm... so... what do you want me to do about it?

Me: Uh, nothing... (other dean) asked me to inform you, and I need to be exempt from the nitrous lab.

Dean: Okay. ::awkward pause:: So are you finding out what it is?

Uh... what??? Don't pretend like you care. Or maybe he's just so awkward that he didn't know what to say to me. Either way, I was disappointed by his response, but I didn't really expect anything because I know what he's like. Oh well. The other negative response was from my team leader, who I knew wouldn't be thrilled, and anyway to be fair there was someone else in her office when I went to tell her so I had to just hand her an "excused absence" form for her to sign that said "OB appointment" on it. Nice, Julia. Smooth way of announcing it. She just raised her eyebrows and said "Oh!" in a kind of disapproving way, stared at my midsection, and handed the slip back to me. Sigh. After these meetings, I have to just go out in the hall and put my hand on my little belly and remind myself that it doesn't matter what they think...

In other baby news, I scheduled my 20-week ultrasound! It's on October 20. I can't wait to see the baby again. We won't be finding out the sex, but it will be so exciting to see that little baby profile like you always see on those pictures... and this time it will be my baby's profile! Squeeeeee!!

And, only about 24 hours until Tyler comes home!!!!!!!!!! Once he gets here, it's time to start moving into our new apartment. I'm so unbelievably excited for all of these changes. It seemed so overwhelming for so long, but now I just feel... ready somehow.

UPDATE: I'm really sad... Tyler just called and said he's driving out instead of flying, because his parents are giving us one of their cars. I've been driving a '93 Geo Prizm since I was 17 (it's named Big Red... I'm really attached to it, but it's not at all safe for a baby). I'm thrilled about the car, don't get me wrong, but I am just sad that I've been counting down the hours until tomorrow night and now he won't be here until Saturday afternoon. Oh well-- I need to just be happy that we don't have to buy a new car.

I don't get what I did to deserve all this

I really don't. I am not really an especially good person and I am honestly confused as to why the universe and everyone I know have just decided to arrange themselves in order to make me happy.

I called my parents last night to let them know Tyler wouldn't be home until Saturday, and I told them it was because he was bringing the car (I've known about this car for awhile, but him driving it out was a last-minute thing, which was why I was so bummed about it). My mom said, "Oh, but we wanted to give you my Subaru!" I couldn't believe it. She said they really didn't want me driving around pregnant in the snow in my little car, and the Subaru has 4-wheel drive and would also be much safer for a baby. I thanked her profusely until she probably wanted to tell me to shut up, and then called Tyler and told him, and now he's getting on a plane in South Dakota to come back here tonight.

How does all this work out for me?? I got into my first choice college, my first choice dental school, met the perfect man and married him, my doctor told me I was likely infertile but I got pregnant without trying, found out I was pregnant a week before my lease ran out and found the perfect new apartment just up the street, and now my parents and my in-laws are practically throwing new (well, new to us) cars at our feet!! I totally knew I was being whiny when I was upset Tyler wasn't coming home tonight, but I seriously only had to whine for about 20 minutes before my parents solved that problem, which really wasn't that big in the first place. I am seriously so stunned by all this amazing luck and love that I'm having trouble articulating how I'm feeling.

So... Tyler will be home tonight! Seriously, how did I get to deserve to be so spoiled??

I love that sound

I had my monthly OB appointment today and I got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler! I could listen to that "whoosh whoosh whoosh" all day long... I'm thinking about renting or buying a doppler just so I can listen to it any time I want! Besides, Tyler still hasn't heard it, and he'll be home this Thursday. I couldn't believe how quickly the midwife found it, because I'm not even 11 weeks yet!

So I walked around all glowing after my appointment today, and not even a sort-of-crappy day in clinic could bring me down. It was supposed to be a cleaning, but turned into a very bloody scaling and root planing that ended with me trying to keep the dry heaves quiet behind my mask. And then I went to the grocery store and seriously contemplated taking a nap in the bags of spinach. Oh well. Like I said, nothing beats that sound of my little one's heart, beating away...

[:)]

10 week belly pics

I am too tired for anything else, but here's the latest on the bloat! One in scrubs, by ErinBrooke's request, and one in regular clothes, since my scrubs make me look bigger and I am vain. That's my cat Simba by my feet in the first pic.

I can kind of suck in the belly, but like I said, my scrubs are my best friend lately since this bloat is out of control! For those who don't know, your uterus doesn't grow above the pubic bone until 12 weeks, so it's definitely not the baby (which is, disgustingly, the size of a prune today), but I guess there is just less room in there for everything so there's nowhere for it to go except out on display. [:)]

I have my next OB appointment on Monday and we might be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler! Well, I shouldn't say we, because Tyler won't be home until next Thursday, so I will get to hear it. Hopefully. I won't be updating again until Monday night because I'm heading to Vermont this weekend to celebrate the birthday of my college friend and her identical twin, so have lovely weekends, all!

The first trimester is poorly designed

I've been considering this lately. I'm a total biology nerd so I think about evolution stuff like this sometimes-- how things often seems to be "designed" to work out to their best advantage. (No, please don't start an "intelligent design" debate in the comments, that shit drives me up a wall.) Anyway, the first trimester definitely isn't one of those "well-designed" things, and here's why:

1. Morning sickness. How am I supposed to eat all healthy and at least maintain my weight when I am constantly dry-heaving, occasionally vomiting, and I have aversions to every food in sight? I don't feel better when I eat, so it doesn't keep my stomach from getting empty. At least this particular symptom has been getting a little better for me lately!
2. Selfishness. I'm supposed to be preparing to be more selfless than I've ever been, but I've never been as selfish in my life as the past six weeks or so. It's hard to focus on anything but yourself when you are miserably nauseated and exhausted and sore and etc. I feel like this is the big one-- I've been completely wrapped up in myself lately and I don't think it's healthy.
3. Fatigue. Shouldn't I be resting up to get ready for all those sleepless nights when the baby comes? Maybe I'm being prepared to function on no sleep... now that's a thought...
4. Sore boobs. I desperately want to breastfeed, but my boobs have been so painful for so long that I seriously can't picture anyone ever touching them, let alone a baby nursing every two hours. (This definitely won't keep me from breastfeeding, but still!)
5. Irritability. I've been so immensely cranky that I fear I'll have no friends left by the time the baby comes. That means no babysitters, which is not very advantageous. [:)]
6. Absentmindedness. How can I get everything done that I need to get done when I can't even remember my last name half the time? (Seriously, I keep writing my maiden name on everything at school.)

I am mostly just kidding about this. My first trimester really hasn't been that rough, at least it could have been much worse, and I'm basically almost done with it. I am relieved that the morning sickness and breast soreness seem to be subsiding a bit (knock on wood!), even if the fatigue is totally out of hand with all the time I have to spend at school. I feel very lucky that it seems my morning sickness won't last past the first trimester, since my mother dealt with it for 20 weeks in both of her pregnancies. Anyway, some of this stuff just makes me think-- there's got to be a better way to do this, right??

First patient was today, or, I heart my scrubs

Now that I've woken up from my usual post-school pregnancy coma (exacerbated today), I can let you all know that I had my first patient today and it went fabulously! I felt really comfortable in clinic, the patient was super nice, and I even diagnosed a cavity all by myself. (And while I'm not really allowed to think that I'm glad my patient had a cavity, it works out pretty well for me because I get to have some easy operative next month when I fix it!) It was even really satisfying to clean all the calculus off her teeth and get them all white and shiny again... I know that sounds disgusting, but hey, if I can't admit in in my blog, where can I admit it?

So I get to feel all satisified and accomplished tonight before starting my denture class tomorrow. I seriously can't get over how easy it was, and how much I felt like a real dentist! (Even though, okay, yes, I was doing a cleaning, which is a hygienist's job. But I did do an exam all on my own!) I feel like I'm really going to enjoy the next two years, which is a relief because I kind of hated the first two years of didactic med school stuff. Whew!

Another plus of being in clinic is that I get to wear scrubs every day. Well, it's either that or dress up, but I can't figure out why I would want to put on dress clothes when I can wear the equivalent of pajamas to school and have it be considered "professional attire." And, scrubs are a pregnant girl's best friend, especially when your stomach is obviously no longer flat and you don't want to tell anyone else that you're pregnant. Those drawstring pants are waaayyyy too comfy... I could really get used to this... and the shirts are so loose that they don't even touch my belly. For now. I don't know why, but ever since the day after I posted that 9 week belly pic, I've had this little baby-looking belly that is there all day and won't go away. (No, you have to wait for my 10-week picture to see it.) It's kind of nice to have some kind of confirmation that there's a baby in there other than 24/7 morning sickness, but I'm a little concerned that I'm sort of showing in my 10th week... maybe it's just more bloat? I consulted my all-knowing pregnancy book, and it said that short skinny women often show earlier because there's nowhere to hide the bulge, so maybe that's what's going on. It's cute, but like I said, it has me a little worried-- what am I going to look like in a few months??

Hope you all had lovely weekends! Mine was good, I went to Yale to meet my parents to see a Van Gogh exhibit, and went to a birthday party for one of my dental school girlfriends, and otherwise just cleaned the house and grocery shopped and lazed around. My definition of a perfect weekend-- now if only Tyler would come home!!