Monday, March 21, 2011

Enough for now.

So, I'm getting a lot of comments and emails asking me about reconciliation. Don't think that this hasn't been the topic of much conversation between Tyler and I lately, because it has...

But there's a lot of stuff that has happened between us over the past year. Too much to reconcile, for the moment. We've always had trouble seeing eye to eye, but there is one thing we agree on at this point in our relationship: there is too much pain, too many open wounds, for us to move forward as partners right now.

We also agree that at some point down the road, once we have healed, we would both be open to entering counseling again and rebuilding our family. But not right now... we know our limits.

I took apart our family. We are divorced. I knew what I was doing and I would not have done it without a damn good reason. Those reasons are still there and they are still valid... the hard choice is still the right one. And while sometimes, I think we both get caught up in the fantasy of repairing it all and living happily ever after... I know I am young, but I have lived enough to know that this life isn't a fairy tale and that the two of us are only human.

Someone asked me what happened after I melted down in front of Tyler the other day. I will tell you. He stood there and stared at me and Caroline as we both sobbed. He tried to take her from me so that she wouldn't see me breaking down, but she clung to me and would not let him. Other than that? He watched. He did not reach out to me. He did not comfort me.

I think this is a sign of two things. First of all, that too much has happened between us for him to take one more step toward me, and I cannot blame him for that. And secondly... that is just Tyler. That was just one of our many problems... he is an unemotional guy and does not deal well with any display of feelings (good or bad). It made me remember those basic incompatibilities that led the two of us to where we are today. For whatever reason, he cannot reach out, and that makes me more upset, and the cycle repeats and drives us further apart, and we are both miserable. I ended things so that that unhealthy pattern wouldn't continue... among other unhealthy patterns, of course.

To him, I am emotionally unstable and overly demanding. To me, he abandoned his family for his career and treated his wife like a piece of furniture. Neither of us can live that way, and really, who's to say either of us is wrong?

I'd like to see where it goes, but deep down I know that he is still him and I am still me. Someday, we agree, after time passes and after the healing... it is possible. Nothing is off the table. Only for now, it's all too much.

So. Enough. We move forward, he and I. We both have to let go. For now.


Anonymous said...

Hi Julia - I think I posted that question about what Tyler did when you broke down. I am sorry he reacted that way. This may be a far reach and of course I don't know, but I was wondering if you know whether Tyler may have some borderline Asperger's. I know I am probably totally out of line for asking, and you may hate me as this anonymous person writing this, but it may be possible. People with Asperger's have a hard time dealing with any kind of emotion - good or bad. They also tend to be highly intelligent and science driven. They sometimes tend to have a focus on one area or obsession (I am thinking about his work as a paleontologist). It could be worth looking into - reading a little online about what Asperger's is. Of course I don't know you and I don't know Tyler and I am so sorry to intrude if I am stepping out of line, but if this in any way helps you then I would feel obligated to let you know. It just jumped out at me the way you said he reacted (or rather his lack of reaction) as very typical for someone with Asperger's. I think another time you mentioned about the way he reacted or didn't react to your PTSD following Caroline's birth. Please don't be offended and if I am wrong which I concede I might be please accept my apology in advance. But if this might be something that sounds possible, looking into it could possibly help you open a whole knew world of understanding regarding your relationship.

Julia said...

No, I'm not offended. (He reads this and he might be, though... :) I see where you are coming from. I mean, I don't know. It's a spectrum, really. He is not socially awkward or have any other characteristics other than the lack of capacity for emotion, and I think that might have a lot to do with how he was raised. I've always known he was like that-- workaholic, unemotional, indifferent towards me when I am upset. Whether it's a... disability or not, I don't know. I do know that it makes us quite incompatible, and wasn't bearable for either of us anymore...

With the type of relationship we have to have as coparents, though, it shouldn't affect me nearly as much, because there are far fewer expectations there than if he were my partner. So I'm hoping that going forward, it won't be too much of an issue anymore.

I do appreciate your concern and willingness to help me. Thank you. :)