We haven't taken Caroline on too many outings yet because she's so little and it's flu season-- it's been limited to necessary trips to the pediatrician's office and walks in the stroller. But this weekend, we took her to our friends' house for an evening, and learned that oh.my.god it takes FOREVER to get a baby ready to go anywhere. Here's a brief synopsis:
1. Get baby ready for bath. Pause to stain-treat bath mat when she poops and pees all over it after diaper is removed. Bathe baby. Pause to stain-treat towel when she poops on it after the bath.
2. Dress baby in cute outfit. Change baby's cute outfit after she spits up all over it. By now, baby is screaming to be fed.
3. Nurse baby in awkward hunched-over position while attempting to simultaneously pack diaper bag. Burp baby. Change both of your outfits after she spits up everywhere once again.
4. Decide she is done when she seems asleep. Place baby carefully in carseat. Flinch when baby wakes up the second she touches the carseat and starts screaming again. Try everything to get her to stop crying, then realize she is still hungry even though you just fed her.
5. Scream in frustration. Experience crushing guilt for screaming in front of the baby.
6. Feed baby. (Optional: glare hatefully at husband while feeding because he lacks breasts and it's just SO unfair.) Repeat burping and outfit-changing. Sigh at the mounting load of laundry that by now is overflowing, even though you just washed everything yesterday.
7. Put baby in carseat and decide she will just have to scream until the car gets moving because that always quiets her, right?
8. After several minutes of driving and listening to the screaming, pull off the highway so that one parent can get in the backseat to console screaming baby. Realize that it's one of those exits where you can't get right back on the highway and get completely lost trying to find an on-ramp.
9. Eventually, arrive at destination, too exhausted to socialize.
10. Hurriedly greet friends and dash to their bedroom to nurse baby, who is screaming with hunger again.
There you have it, folks! How to get a baby ready in 10 easy steps. Don't worry, we might get to go on a spontaneous outing sometime... eighteen years from now?