10 things I'd rather do than endure an extended public tantrum.

Moms of toddlers, you know what I'm talking about. Right? Not just any tantrum, but the total and complete Public Meltdown.

It starts out innocently enough. You suggest that your toddler sit in the front of the cart so that she doesn't end up as shopping-cart-roadkill in the cereal aisle. She says "no mama. No want to. I walk." You explain (uselessly) that logically this makes no sense and pick her up and she starts shrieking and flailing around. You switch to your firm-mommy tone of voice and she switches to full-on, 10 billion-decibel screams. By this time everyone in the store is staring at you, shaking their heads, and judging for you for either ignoring the screaming and not quieting your child, or for whatever method you have chosen to discipline your child (you can't win either way, of course). Once the screaming passes the three-minute mark you realize it. There's no going back. This shopping trip can't be salvaged. You wave the white flag and retreat to the car. Obviously, your toddler will refuse to be stuffed into the carseat, and will probably kick you in the face repeatedly if you try, but at least it's a little less public out there in the parking lot. And the screaming is less echo-ey. Forget it, you think to yourself. Groceries? Eff 'em. I'd rather starve.

Without further ado, the top 10 things I'd rather do than deal with an extended public tantrum:

1. Extract one of my own teeth, Hangover-style.
2. Repeat the first two years of medical school.
3. Read If you Give a Pig a Pancake 47,349 times in a row.
4. Go without my iPhone for an entire week. Okay, a day. Okay, an hour. That's bad enough. Let's not get carried away, here.
   
5. Shop for a bikini in the dead of winter when I'm flabbier and paler than a beached beluga whale.
6. Re-take the NERB.
7. Go on one of those dates that are so boring you have get out of it by texting a friend under the table to call you immediately with an "emergency".
8. Spend an entire day running around clinic wearing 4-inch heels.
9. Get my eyelids pierced.
10. Clean my entire bathroom using only my toothbrush. And then brush my teeth with it.

There you have it. For real. I do love the toddler years, but man, those public meltdowns are brutal.

"How do you do it all?"

I get this question a lot. I wish I were half as heroic as some people seem to think I am. Just because I am a single mom in dental school doesn't mean I have it all together... lots of things fall by the wayside because I am so busy and pulled in so many different directions. My flaws: dear internet, let me show you them.

Exhibit A: my desk at school. Unfortunately this is its natural state. Okay, fine, it's actually a little less messy than usual. Yes, those calendars on the bulletin board are from December.

Exhibit B: my car. The check engine light has been on since last May. A piece of it fell off while I was driving down the highway a couple weeks ago. (It was making a strange noise which stopped as soon as that piece fell off, so I assumed it was for the best.) The oil hasn't been changed since... well... I guess Tyler changed it last. That means it's been... longer than recommended. I've had one headlight out for at least three months. In my defense, I did try to change the headlight, but I couldn't get the cover off so I gave up and figured that one headlight was better than none. Plus it makes my car look totally badass.

Exhibit C: my utilities. Paying the bills was always Tyler's job. Sometimes I forget to pay a bill until whatever it is I'm not paying for gets shut off. To be fair, this is a very effective reminder technique. Well played, cable company. Well played.

Oh no. Now that I've started listing my irresponsibilities, I can't stop. Sometimes I put meat in the fridge to defrost and forget about it for a couple weeks. Sometimes I put off taking out the trash until the smell forces me to do it. I have incomplete audits on some of my patients' charts that were due last October. I have a strange aversion to writing papers for oral surgery and so I haven't fulfilled a single oral surgery requirement since 2008. Sometimes I keep my Netflix DVDs for 3 weeks at a time because I forget that I have them. AHHH!! Can't stop!!

My point is. I don't do it all. It only looks like I do.

Now please share all of your similar stories in the comments below, to make me feel better. And if you have no similar stories and you actually do "do it all", please refrain from saying so.

Teeth: those pearly whites

I promise I'll write a post here soon, because I have one rolling around in my head. Until then, here's an informational post I wrote for The Baby Standard on baby/toddler teeth.

Enjoy! Hope it's helpful to moms out there.

Milestone anxiety

Sometime shortly after Caroline was born, I signed up for about a bajillion baby development emails. You know the ones I mean—your baby week by week, your x-week-old, or whatever. When they showed up in my inbox, I’d read them with a tinge of anxiety, checking up on where Caroline “should be”. I’d watch her during playtime, looking for milestones, or signs that she was about to reach them. Was that roll-over on purpose, or just a lucky accident? Is she lifting herself up enough during tummy time? Oh no… am I giving her enough tummy time? IS SHE GOING TO YALE OR ISN’T SHE?! I’ve got to tell you, I worry way more about this than I ever thought I would.

But it isn’t just me. The moms’ message board I post on is always consumed by posts about development and milestones. And those baby newsletters have to be fueled by some kind of demand, right? We all want to know whether or not our babies are on track, or “normal”.

For us, it’s turned out to be kind of a mixed bag. Caroline’s gross motor skills have always been a little behind. She was diagnosed with a mild gross motor delay at 9 months, and now that she’s a year and still not really crawling and definitely not pulling up or sitting up, it’s more of a full-fledged gross motor delay. We’re in the process of getting early intervention back out to our apartment for a follow-up evaluation, since she didn’t quite qualify for physical therapy at her 9 month visit.

The girl talks, though, like crazy. I hear that’s usually how it goes… if they have one type of delay, they make up for it in another area. When you have to watch what you say around your 12.5 month-old for fear she might repeat it (need I remind you of “ohshish”?), you know you are in trouble. I admit that I now shut off the radio when I pick her up from daycare for fear that her new favorite word will be “crunk”, or worse.

Anyway. It’s hard, when you go to daycare and you see babies months younger than yours walking around, and yours is still pushing herself around backwards on her belly. It makes me a little sad when I see or hear about other babies playing in ways that she can’t, and won’t be able to for a long time. It makes you wonder what you’re doing wrong. And I feel like even if she hadn’t turned out to have a delay, I’d still have been just as anxious about it.

It doesn’t help that when I saw one of Caroline’s pediatricians for a sick visit and mentioned my worries about her lack of sitting and pulling up, he asked, “were you and your husband also slow?” Uhhh… thanks for your sensitivity there, doc. I learned tact in med school. Why didn’t you?

But what I’ve come to terms with is this: that other baby in daycare isn’t better than my baby because he walks and mine doesn’t. His mom isn’t a better mother than me because my baby has a delay and hers doesn’t. It doesn’t mean anything, really. She’ll walk when she’s ready to. And if she doesn’t walk, for whatever reason, that’s okay too. She is who she is, and I love her regardless.

So now when those baby development emails show up in my inbox, I just delete them without reading them. (Someday I will get up the motivation to unsubscribe.) As long as we are taking appropriate steps to monitor her development and help her with her delays, that’s all I need to know.

Guilt trippin'

Can we discuss mommy guilt for a sec?

After you have a baby (and before, a little bit, but mostly after), it can be really hard to avoid feeling guilty about everything you do, no matter what you do. You constantly wonder, "am I doing enough? Did I do that right? Did I make the right choice? Am I doing what's best?" Right? I know I'm not alone in this.

First, there are the parenting decisions that you have to make that you just don't know the "right" answers to. Which vaccination schedule? When to start solids? Do I call the pediatrician for this (insert random baffling baby symptom here)? You do your research, but your time and energy is limited, and sometimes you just have to go with your gut and hope that you made the right choice.

Then there are the decisions you have to make that involve balancing your baby's best interests and your best interests. Those are the ones that really suck. Do I quit breastfeeding/pumping because it's making me lose my sanity? Do I go back to work full-time because I love my job, even though it means very little time with my baby? Do I sleep train her so that I can get just a couple hours of sleep, please, for the love of God? In these cases, I have found it's best to consider both sides, but remind yourself repeatedly that a happy baby means a happy mama, and if you are miserable doing something just because you think it's best, your baby is going to pick up on that, and that's no good for her either. (Of course, you will still feel guilty no matter what you choose. That's part of the job description.)

Aside from the big decisions, there is just the day-to-day guilt that you can't really escape no matter what you do. "Am I doing enough to stimulate her? Am I hovering over her too much? I should read to her more... I feel like I never read to her. Oh no. She's going to grow up to be illiterate and hate school and will never succeed in life." (When really, let's be honest-- at this point, she thinks books are for teething.) Maybe this is just a new-mom thing, or maybe I way-overthink every little thing and I'm a crazy person, but I think it's freaking exhausting.

So tell me, what gives you mommy guilt? And more importantly, how do you let go of it in order to keep your sanity?

Cloth diaper info and reviews

Wow, it's been forever since I blogged! We're back in Connecticut, Caroline is 6 months old, she's eating solid food, she's sitting up unassisted... I have a million things to talk about. But tonight I will just link you to my friend Kari's blog, The Baby Standard, where I just wrote a guest blogger post about cloth diapers. Several of you have asked me for info on this, so I hope it is helpful!

Good to be back, and I promise I'll update soon, and more frequently!

Baby product reviews

I know a lot of moms, moms-to-be, and future moms read my blog, so I thought I'd write a post on our favorite (and not-so-favorite) baby items. If you recall, when I first got pregnant I had absolutely no idea what to do with a child... even looking at those "suggested registry" lists made me break out in a cold sweat, because I didn't even know what half of the things on the list WERE. So I researched every single thing we bought to death! And here's the product of my experience so far.

STUFF I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:

1. Boppy pillow. This has been absolutely critical to me every time I nurse. I have zero arm strength and no motivation to get any, so I NEED this to prop her up to my boob. It saves my back, too... and you spend a zillion hours a day nursing if you end up exclusively breastfeeding. You can also put the baby on it for playtime and tummy time. I used it to bottle feed in the beginning when I was pumping a lot, so formula feeders can get use out of it too.

2. Dr. Brown's bottles. Everyone has a different opinion on bottles, but I love these. They have extra parts which are kind of a pain to clean, but it's worth it for the reduction in gas and spit-up. I have a reflux baby. I would know.

3. Lansinoh double electric pump. Half the price of the Medela pumps, but I actually got better output with this pump than with my Medela hospital rental. Probably because I wasn't howling in pain the entire time I was hooked up to the thing.

4. Boppy bouncy seat. Half the time I just use it when I need to put her down. Even more important, we've had the same batteries in it since she was born (and we turn it on many times a day) and they are still going strong! Plus, it has catchy music.

5. As far as diapers go, we liked Pampers for disposables. We are currently in the process of switching to cloth, and for those we use BumGenius organic one-size (with the snaps). I'll be discussing my unlikely transformation into crunchy-hippie mama in a future post. Stay tuned.

6. Baby Bjorn or some other front carrier. 90% of the time I use this rather than a stroller. Also great for around the house when they are fussy in the evenings!

7. Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium. We've attached this to her cradle and she cannot fall asleep without it. She will even put herself to sleep without crying while she stares at it... enough said, right?

8. AngelCare movement monitor. We received this as a gift, but even if we hadn't, it would still absolutely have been worth the $100 or whatever it costs. We were so anxious about her breathing when we left the NICU that this literally saved our sanity. Even if your baby isn't in the NICU, you will probably waste a lot of YOUR sleep time constantly checking on their breathing. This gives you the peace of mind that everything is okay... and if it isn't, you'll know about it right away. And we've never had a single false alarm (although it does go off if we lift her out of the cradle and forget to turn it off, so I feel confident it would go off if she stopped breathing).

9. Halo sleepsacks and Kiddopotamus SwaddleMes. Swaddling is key to sleeping long stretches... otherwise, baby whacks him/herself in the face and wakes up. Receiving blankets don't work for very long-- baby busts out of them pretty easily, and the SwaddleMes have velcro tabs to hold the swaddle tight all night long. The sleepsacks are key if you worry about the SIDS risk of having loose blankets in baby's bed.

STUFF THAT'S GOOD TO HAVE, I GUESS:

1. Nursing glider. I rarely sit in it, but it's a nice luxury. Sometimes it will calm her when I rock in it, but not always. If you have a recliner or rocking chair already, I'd say skip the expense.

2. Swing. It seems to me that everyone else's baby loves to sleep in it, but Caroline will only sit in it for a couple minutes with a pouty look on her face before she starts screaming. Not all babies like them, so I'd recommend waiting until you actually have your baby and then go test one out at Babies R Us to see if you have a swing baby.

3. Snuggle Nest. Even if you don't want to cosleep, chances are you will at one time or another in the beginning, just so you can get a little sleep! The snuggle nest lets the baby be close to you (some even have a little night light and an incline for reflux/congestion) but keeps him or her away from covers and pillows, which is much safer and gives you peace of mind. Not totally necessary, but nice to have. Also useful for transitioning to the crib from a bassinet or cradle (baby still feels secure in a smaller space within the bigger crib).

STUFF YOU SHOULD SKIP UNLESS YOU LIKE WASTING MONEY:

1. Huggies diapers: blowout central. (Although I have heard this depends on the baby.) Unless you have stock in stain remover, in which case hey, go for it.

2. Dreft laundry detergent. You don't need it, and the fragrance ingredients can actually irritate some babies' skin. Just use a "free and clear" detergent-- Caroline has super sensitive skin, and this has worked fine for us so far.

3. Travel system. ALERT! DO NOT get this. I ignored lots of advice and got one because I didn't want to buy the Snap 'n Go frame for the carseat and then have to buy another stroller later on... but they are HEAVY and awful and I just don't use mine because it's too much of a struggle. Get the infant carseat, Snap 'n Go, and later on get a lightweight stroller like a Maclaren.

So, there you go! I hope it's somewhat helpful to someone out there. Feel free to ask any questions in the comments, I will try to remember to answer them!

Life is good.

Having a newborn was hard in ways I never imagined. I don't just mean the NICU experience, either. You have this tiny, beautiful person that you somehow managed to create, and you are totally in awe of her, but at the same time you're completely enslaved to her. You get up a million times a night. You feel more tired than you've ever felt. Sometimes you are both completely covered in spit-up and you can't tell which one of you is crying louder. Really, you don't get a whole lot in return for all the things that you do, and it can feel pretty thankless at times. You're also completely terrified that you will somehow break your child, and you're convinced that half of what you're doing is totally wrong. You worry that you're somehow failing her, and it feels like an endless, exhausting parade of nursing and dirty diapers and crying and shushing and bouncing. (Sorry, just telling it like it is! I can't be the only one who thinks these things.)

But one day you are sitting up and feeding your baby at some obscenely early morning hour, and you realize that even though you are dead tired, this is a time when you have an excuse to do nothing but cuddle with your baby and stare at her perfect eyelashes and ears. Another day you go to pick baby up when she's done with her nap, and she gives you the biggest toothless grin you've ever seen, just because you are you, and she sees you standing there. Nursing finally becomes surprisingly easy, if you've chosen to do that. You start to get more sleep at night. She starts to stay awake more during the day, and seems like a real little person with a true personality, and you can really tell that she loves you unconditionally, whether you feel like you deserve it or not.

Can you tell things have changed around here? Caroline has been sleeping through the night consistently for about two weeks now. Breastfeeding is suddenly kind of effortless. She seems healthy and happy and is doing all sorts of new and fun things, like actually playing with her toys, flipping herself onto her back on her playmat, smiling at us, and cooing when we talk to her. We've established somewhat of a routine, and we do fun things like walk to the park down the street to look at the geese and turtles.

Overall, things are looking up. She is such a joy to spend time with, and I no longer have guilty feelings about "giving up my whole life" to stay home with her. She IS my whole life, for now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Meet Mirena, my new BFF

Well, yesterday I got my IUD! I was a little freaked out about getting it put in, because back when I was in undergrad I tried to get the Paragard and it hurt when they measured my uterus before insertion (my uterus was too small, so I didn't end up getting it at the time). But my Mirena insertion yesterday went just fine-- a little crampy and uncomfortable, but overall not bad at all. I guess once your cervix has been stretched open to the point that a small person can get through it, sticking a little plastic thing through is a piece of cake.

It is such a relief not to have to worry about another unplanned pregnancy for another 5 years. For the first time in my life I feel like I've found the perfect birth control option: it's long-term, minimally hormonal, safe for breastfeeding, low-maintenance, 99.9% effective (this is crucial... haha), and will make my periods lighter and less painful (like 40% of women stop getting their period at all after a few months!)... I'm starting to sound like a commercial here, but I seriously am in love with this little piece of plastic.

In fact, here's how my insertion appointment went:

My OB (looking at Caroline sleeping in her carseat): She's so good! Are you sure you don't want another one like her??

Me: HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No, seriously, hand that thing over.

Okay, maybe it didn't go exactly like that...

But honestly I'm not sure I will ever want another child, so the long-term-ness of the IUD really does appeal to me. I love Caroline more than I ever thought I would or could. But the NICU experience was really traumatic, and at my post-partum appointment my OB told me that even with hormone therapy, I'd have a 30% chance of delivering early again. And I'm sure I'd be more likely to have to stop working early once the contractions started up again. But mostly I just feel like my "mommy" urge has been satisfied with Caroline. I guess I would feel badly about not giving her a sibling, but overall I don't really know if I see another baby in our future. I know that for some moms, the love they feel for their first child makes them want another one that much more... but for me, it has made me feel reluctant to take away any attention from her by having another baby.

I know that Tyler wants at least one more (he's always said he wanted three; I always used to want two), so we might have some disagreement over this in the future.

But for now it doesn't really matter because regardless of what happens, we'd want to wait several years. And I realize that I might change my mind down the road when she gets older... and of course I might not have a choice in the matter, just like this time! However. These are my thoughts at the moment.

And it sure does feel good not to have to worry about repeating this whole experience. I wouldn't trade my Caroline for the world, but I won't be playing Russian roulette with my birth control again any time soon.

"Sleep when the baby sleeps."

This is the advice given to new moms by other moms whose babies are too old for them to remember what useless advice it is.

It sounds good in theory, right? You could be up all night nursing or whatever, so try to nap when the baby naps to get sleep in whenever you can. But in practice, the baby will only sleep in your arms so you have to nap sitting up, and/or the dog barks every few minutes and wakes you or the baby up, and/or the baby naps for a half hour at a time so by the time you fall asleep the baby is awake again. By the end of the day you haven't napped much at all, and you've still got the night ahead of you.

Caroline is a good baby, she really is. She sleeps through the night (7-8 consecutive hours) at least once a week, and rarely cries for no reason. But no matter how low-maintenance your baby is, you are still going to be Tired for the first few months. The kind of Tired where you feel like you have sand in your eyes, and where you almost run red lights accidentally. The kind of Tired where once you get a minute of free time you would choose a nap over ANYTHING else, including eating or sex. In fact, I've forgotten where I was going with this post because I am so Tired.

Today I am sick, though, and it's the first time I think I've ever been thrilled to be sick. Tyler stayed home to take care of Caroline and I am allowed to sleep as much as I want!! I've always been an 8-hour kind of girl so this is approximately the most amazing thing ever. I'm also planning to ask Tyler for a full weekend of as much sleep as I want for my 25th birthday, which is coming up on April 2!

I'm off to nap now... ZZZzzz....

"See you in 10 minutes!"

I wanted to use this phrase as a post title because I suspect I will never say it out loud again.

We haven't taken Caroline on too many outings yet because she's so little and it's flu season-- it's been limited to necessary trips to the pediatrician's office and walks in the stroller. But this weekend, we took her to our friends' house for an evening, and learned that oh.my.god it takes FOREVER to get a baby ready to go anywhere. Here's a brief synopsis:

1. Get baby ready for bath. Pause to stain-treat bath mat when she poops and pees all over it after diaper is removed. Bathe baby. Pause to stain-treat towel when she poops on it after the bath.
2. Dress baby in cute outfit. Change baby's cute outfit after she spits up all over it. By now, baby is screaming to be fed.
3. Nurse baby in awkward hunched-over position while attempting to simultaneously pack diaper bag. Burp baby. Change both of your outfits after she spits up everywhere once again.
4. Decide she is done when she seems asleep. Place baby carefully in carseat. Flinch when baby wakes up the second she touches the carseat and starts screaming again. Try everything to get her to stop crying, then realize she is still hungry even though you just fed her.
5. Scream in frustration. Experience crushing guilt for screaming in front of the baby.
6. Feed baby. (Optional: glare hatefully at husband while feeding because he lacks breasts and it's just SO unfair.) Repeat burping and outfit-changing. Sigh at the mounting load of laundry that by now is overflowing, even though you just washed everything yesterday.
7. Put baby in carseat and decide she will just have to scream until the car gets moving because that always quiets her, right?
8. After several minutes of driving and listening to the screaming, pull off the highway so that one parent can get in the backseat to console screaming baby. Realize that it's one of those exits where you can't get right back on the highway and get completely lost trying to find an on-ramp.
9. Eventually, arrive at destination, too exhausted to socialize.
10. Hurriedly greet friends and dash to their bedroom to nurse baby, who is screaming with hunger again.

There you have it, folks! How to get a baby ready in 10 easy steps. Don't worry, we might get to go on a spontaneous outing sometime... eighteen years from now?

My "I-will-never's"

The following is a list of the things that, while pregnant, I said I'd never do... that are shot to hell now that I have an actual baby.

1. I'll never give a pacifier.
2. I'll never give a bottle before breastfeeding is established. (To be fair, these first two happened in the NICU while I wasn't there and I was too intimidated and tired to protest when I realized that they'd given them to her.)
3. I'll never consider switching to formula (no, I'm not actually switching, but it's crossed my mind a time or two because as I posted before, breastfeeding is OH MY GOD REALLY HARD AND AWFUL).
4. I'll never let the baby sleep with us in the bed. (I didn't cave on this one because she won't sleep anywhere else... she will, but I just really want to snuggle her and see her cute face anytime I want.)
5. I'll never dress my kid in cutesy bows and ribbons if she is a girl (see: enormous bow on hat, several posts below).
6. I'll never make Tyler get up in the middle of the night to do a feeding, because I can stay home and sleep but he has to get up early and go to school. (Whoops. I am a terrible wife.)
7. I'll never whip my boob out in front of anyone but Tyler. (The ladies have already been out in front of everyone in two NICUs, the pediatrician's office, and the UPS guy the other day when I forgot to button my shirt before answering the door.)

I'm sure there are more, but I am a bit sleep-deprived and can't remember what else.

But you know what? I don't really care about any of that. First of all, my new mantra is "if it works and no one dies, it's probably okay", and second of all, I am too busy soaking up every minute of her being this tiny, because I already know she's going to grow up too fast.

The name game

Some couples discuss names for their future children while they are still dating. Or engaged, or just married, or while they're trying to conceive.

Unfortunately, we are not that couple.

We're entering the home stretch of my pregnancy, but we still don't have a name for this baby! We have a few front-runners (see polls to the right), but we probably won't decide on the final name until we actually meet the baby. For some reason, I keep thinking that it's wrong to give someone something as important as a name before you've even seen them in person. What if we settle on Andrew, and it doesn't suit him at all, and he looks like a Ben? (Disclaimer: I do realize that brand-new newborns all look like they should be named something along the lines of... Conehead. Or, Gremlin. Monkeyface. Okay, I'm stopping.)

Tyler has decided that the perfect name for a little girl is Baena, pronounced Bay-nuh. Yes, you read that correctly, no need to go back and read it again. It's after this genus of prehistoric turtle that he studies (Eubaena). I have nothing to say to this except: no, over my dead body, not in a billion years, no. I don't do made-up names, and either way, we are not naming our potential daughter after a dead lizard. However, he has stubbornly referred to the baby in utero as "Baena" for so long that now I think of it as Baena too. Here's hoping that the nickname doesn't still stick once the baby joins us in the outside world.

So, it seems that for now we're going to stay with Caroline Anne or Elisabeth Anne, and Benjamin Ranse or Andrew Ranse. Then we can make the final decision when the baby comes. For what it's worth, my favorites are actually the poll winners-- Caroline and Benjamin (although Andrew is Tyler's grandfather's name, and his health is poor, so we might end up going with Andrew for that reason if it's a boy). It's so hard to pick a name for a baby, though. Names are so huge... what if he or she hates the name later on? I guess you can only do your best and try not to get all crazy and trendy. I've always loved my name, and I want to do the same for my baby! I suspect that naming it "Baena" is not really the way to achieve that goal, though...

...And in with the new

A couple of my college girlfriends came to visit me over the last couple of days (which was so much fun!), but now they are gone and I am here alone again with a lot of time on my hands to think... I wish Tyler would come back from New Zealand.

Anyway, here's what's going through my head...

It's 2009, finally and already. I spent the last few minutes of 2008 lying in bed in the dark with my hands on my belly, feeling the baby roll around in there, and thinking about how one year ago I never, ever thought I'd be where I am. My life was so incredibly different last New Year's. I was just married, and dental school was mostly what took up my time and energy-- I was still in med school classes then. We lived in our old apartment. Babies were the last thing on our minds.

In 2008, I finished med school, we went to the Bahamas and Peru, I took the boards, I found out I was pregnant, we accepted the fact that I was pregnant, and we got excited and got ready. We moved. I developed complications and I left school temporarily. One year later, I feel like I'm a totally different person, or at least I'm in a totally different place-- I'm not even in school, and we're about to be responsible for this little person for a really, really long time, and I'm just as terrified as I ever was that I'm going to screw it all up.

I mean, in theory, I pretty much know what's in store for me in 2009: have the baby, figure out how to be a parent somehow, get to know our baby, go back to school to finish my degree. (Or at least go back by next January... that still hasn't been decided since the dean won't get back to me.) But really, who knows? I thought I knew exactly what 2008 was going to be like. Hell, I thought I knew exactly what the next 5 or 10 years were going to be like. But I had no idea what was coming, and I guess you never really do.

I don't mean for this to sound all melodramatic and depressing, because that isn't at all how I feel. I'm excited and grateful for our baby, even if I'm kind of nervous about how I'll handle things. My main worry is that I won't achieve my goals when it comes to my career, because even though I'm very motivated to go back and finish up (and then start working, because staying at home full-time has never been something I wanted to do), I feel scared that it won't happen, because if there's anything 2008 has taught me, it's that your life isn't necessarily always in your own hands. Is this new person, who we are somehow already in love with even though we've never met him or her, going to make me change my mind? I do still want to be a dentist so badly...

Anyway, I watched the clock click past midnight and hugged my belly and told the baby "I can't wait to meet you this year" before going to sleep. Whatever happens, I know that if we do things out of love, it will all work out. Now if Tyler would just come home...

Nursery photos!

Well, the nursery isn't completely finished, but it won't be until after my shower on February 1, so I thought I'd post some mostly-done pictures. We're in love with it... it's the only room in the apartment where everything matches! Sorry the pictures look so gloomy. It's snowing here yet again, but I promise it's a bright and happy yellow room when the sun shines in!

This is the view from the door.

The wonderful big (and usually very sunny) window!

My nursing glider... I sit in it once in awhile just to look around the room. I made that lampshade, by the way, out of an extra valence that came with the bedding set. (It was a plain white lampshade before.) The little table is just temporary-- Tyler's dad is building us one to match the rest of our nursery furniture.

Changing table with quilt hanging above it and diaper stacker. I found that fold-up travel swing on the right at a yard sale for ridiculously cheap. Actually, everything in this room came from a yard sale except the changing table and glider.

And the crib! The thing hanging on it is a playmat that I made by cutting up the bumper that came with our bedding set. I'm too paranoid to use the bumper since there have been all those studies that show they may increase the risk of SIDS, so we have the breathable mesh kind on there instead. I didn't want to waste the cute bumper, though! I left the ties on the ends to tie rattles and toys to so they don't get away from the baby while it's playing.

So there it is... our bumblebee nursery. It has a bookshelf on another wall that's already filling up with baby books, and a nice big walk-in closet too, which we are in the process of organizing. I love it!!

A quick update on other things: the contractions are somewhat better, I think resting has helped a lot. I still constantly feel like I'm in early labor, though, so that is... exhausting. Tyler is in New Zealand (!) for the next two and a half weeks, on a trip with some other geology and paleontology students. I'm really jealous (and pretty lonely and bored), but he'll be back soon enough. It's weird-- he's been planning this trip for so long that I always think of it as "sometime a long time from now, Tyler will go to New Zealand, and then after that we'll have the baby." And now he's there, so that means baby is coming really soon! Ack! Nine weeks until my due date is not a very long time... here's hoping baby stays put for at least another six.

I think I'll be needing one of these

Meet the Gopher. I found it while searching for closet organizers on Bed Bath and Beyond online. I'm officially getting so lazy and so large that I can't be bothered to bend down and pick things up when I drop them (which is often)... so this super-duper reaching tool is at the top of my Christmas list.

I'm just kidding. I'm not that bad (yet). In fact, for me, the third trimester seems to have come with a burst of energy... or at least motivation. I'm more tired than I have been, but the fact that suddenly the baby seems right around the corner has jolted me into making endless baby to-do lists and knocking things off of them every day. Just this week, I've cleared out the nursery closet, organized the utility/laundry room, put down a deposit on our daycare, signed up for birth classes, reorganized my spring rotation schedule to allow for my maternity leave (which my school kindly failed to do for me, despite the fact that this was the entire reason I informed them that I was pregnant), revamped our baby registry, put together lists of addresses for my shower and for sending out birth announcements (which I also designed, one for a boy and one for a girl), and researched and bought some nursing bras and tanks.

All this in addition to school and some Christmas shopping here and there... whew!! Now that I think about it, I am pretty tired. :) So it's off to watch a movie with Tyler for his 26th birthday, which is today. Belly pic this week, though, I promise! I have to justify my Gopher somehow, right? And what better way than to post a picture of my hugeness for the whole internet to see?

Greetings from North Dakota

And a belated Happy Thanksgiving! Tyler and I left the pets with my parents and flew out to the (very) rural town of Marmarth, ND this week to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. I love my in-laws and the rest of Tyler's family, so it's worth the long trip to get out here. Unfortunately, the little town they live in is three hours from the nearest airport... and this time, we bought tickets when oil was super high, so the cheapest flight we could find went from Hartford to Philadelphia to Denver to Rapid City. Yuck. And in case anyone pregnant was wondering, US Airways does not, in fact, supply airsickness bags, which means you may be forced to vomit repeatedly into a Ziploc bag containing Tums with holes in the bottom, while your husband pretends he doesn't know you, and everyone around you looks completely disgusted. Not that this is something with which I have recently had precise experience or anything.

Anyway, we got here and we've been having a great time. It's so relaxing to get out of Connecticut for a change, and I've been needing this break since I started school way back in July! I haven't done a single speck of schoolwork, which has been amazing... and I've been eating ridiculous amounts of delicious Thanksgiving food (I'm not messing around... we're talking entire pies here, people). I love seeing my two little nieces, too-- and watching Tyler play with them is so cute. One of them is almost two, and the other is only three months old. Usually, thinking about my baby seems so abstract and unreal because I don't ever spend time around any babies or kids. But being with little baby Jaxyn is a reality check for me... in a good way. She's a fussy baby and cries a lot, but she's so adorable, and I guess it just reminds me that this is something that people do every day, and it's not some big scary unknown.

So it's been great to relax, especially because I never ever stop and sit around and do nothing for more than a couple minutes at a time... but it turns out, when I'm not distracted by the craziness of school and clinic, I'm pretty uncomfortable! I'm getting bigger every day and I haven't been able to work out here, so I'm sure that's part of the problem, but seriously-- holy. Back. Pain. I would kill for a Snoogle (a pregnancy back pillow). And by that I mean, if I saw someone walking down the street with a Snoogle and they said the only way I could have it was to kill them, I would not hesitate to shoot them in the face, take the Snoogle, and run. Okay, maybe that's a little drastic (except not really, I'd totally do it, and there aren't any cops out here anyway, so hmmmm).

Hope everyone's had a lovely holiday!

News story that terrified me

Since I'm never on here anymore, when I do get on, all I do is write a quick obligatory summary of everything that's going on around me, and maybe post a belly pic (no 20-week pic, though, sorry-- I forgot!), but I never talk about what's going on in my head anymore.

So, even though I'm smack in the middle of horrible midterms, I thought I'd take a minute to write out the mess of thoughts that is the inside of my brain lately.

I've been feeling pretty good physically--- the migraines with tunnel vision have slowed down to about once a week, and my only real complaint is my new symptom of back pain. (I have worried about a lot of pregnancy-related things, but I never considered the fact that my petite frame is not really built to carry extra weight, so I guess my back is starting to pay the price already.) I'm sure it's nothing to what I'll be dealing with in the third trimester! Anyway, feeling good is great, but it does leave a lot of time open for those pesky doubts to creep in...

My biggest worry is that I'm not in a place in my life to be a good mom. Yes, I still freak out about this. In fact, it only seems to get more pressing as I get more pregnant. This baby is coming whether we're ready or not, and I don't even have time to work on the nursery, or read any of my parenting books. How am I going to have time to care for and play with my baby when I have all this school stuff to contend with?? The thing that really got me going on this was a news story I read last week during class... I'm sure you've heard of it, I think I'm pretty late on mentioning it, but it was about this mother who had such a crazy busy life and tried so hard to be supermom that one day she forgot that her sleeping baby was still in the carseat when she got to work, and she went about her day until someone told her after like eight hours that the baby was there, and she raced out to the car and her baby was dead.

Seriously, I am shivering right now typing this. That story made my heart feel ice cold. I am sure plenty of people think "how could she forget her child?? What's wrong with her??" but really, I could see how it could happen. I am constantly racing around doing a million things with my mind always on something else, and if something happened to mess up my routine, I could definitely see something like that happening. I literally closed my eyes and sat there shaking in the middle of class. I can't imagine the guilt that mother must feel, my heart breaks for her.

So that petrified me to the point that I am now writing obsessive lists about everything I have to do so that I don't forget anything, and I now put my purse in the backseat every time I drive somewhere, so that I will do that when I have the baby and I'll see it if it's still in the carseat when I get to school and that will never, never happen to me. I realize I'm being a paranoid, crazy pregnant lady. But that story really shook me, because I know deep down that it's something that could happen to me, and really I'm mostly just afraid that my life is too busy to fit a baby into it. I want to give this baby the world, and I don't know if I'm even going to be able to give it the basic things that it needs because I'm just. So. Busy. I just couldn't stop thinking about this story all week.

Anyway, I know that things will fall into place and everything will work out-- it has to. There's just no way that it won't. Until I have this baby and we get a nice, stable routine figured out, I'm sure I will be terrified that I will make some massive screw-up like this. As a matter of fact, knowing me, I will probably always be scared that I'll do something wrong. But hey, maybe that's just motherhood. I wouldn't know.

I have so much more to say about other topics but it will all have to wait for another post, because I need to get going on my studying... but, last thing: we have our big ultrasound tomorrow!! I am so stinking excited that it's finally time to see the baby and get a picture of him or her...

So I might be a little unprepared

And as proof, I submit for your consideration a conversation with my best friend and her fiance last night (the one who's wedding I posted about the other day... I told her!! She is actually excited!!):

Me: I just feel really overwhelmed... I mean, I don't even know what kind of stuff babies need. And I have to submit my loan application this week so I have no idea what to incorporate into our budget.

Her: Well, I can help make you a list... here, we'll write it down. Okay: stroller. Carseat. Snuggly.

Me: Oooh, I got one! Pins with ducks on them!!

(Pause while they both look at me like they are considering a preemptive call to child services) Her: Are you going to do cloth diapers?

Me: What?

Her: Okay... I was thinking things more like bibs and diapers, but we can put duck pins on the list.

Me (weakly): Right. (I just remembered those duck pins from when my little brother was born... I don't know...)

Her: You know you're going to have to train Franklin (our dog) to stay off the bed now, right?

Me: What? Don't babies sleep in cribs?

Her: Well, yes, but they're on the bed with you sometimes. And I bet Franklin would eat it. (This is true-- Franklin is so attached to Tyler that he growls at me sometimes if I try to pick him up out of Tyler's lap. He is really going to hate a baby.)

(Pause while I silently panic at the thought of Franklin chowing down on our baby) Her: Okay, just calm down. We don't have to talk about this now.

AAAAAAHHHH!!! I have no idea what to do with a child!! Honestly, it hadn't even crossed my mind-- all I've been thinking about is school and money and giving up our lifestyle, etc. I haven't even thought about the fact that I've never changed a diaper, ever. Where are you supposed to learn all this stuff?? My friend knows because she was ten when her little brother was born, but I was three, and I've never babysat any kids younger than three or four. Is there some kind of class you can take? Should I start Googling, like, yesterday??

Okay, I need to settle down. I am going for my run now to zone out. But if anyone has any advice on where to find all this info that apparently everyone knows but me, that would be pretty sweet. Also, Mandy thank you so much for the info on toxo-- I actually did know that from my infectious disease class, but my knowledge on this stuff is pretty hit or miss, so if anyone thinks of anything I should know, please don't hesitate to post it or message me, because with dental school I have very little time to do research on this.