DMD... finally.

I graduated from dental school yesterday. I'm a real doctor now. (Well, as much of a real doctor as a dentist can be. If someone has a heart attack, you should probably still call 911.)

I finally got to put on that cap and gown and cross the stage to have someone drape me in that lilac hood.

And I was so proud to stand next to my friends and my colleagues while I was granted that degree that I have wanted and worked towards for so long.

I had so much support, yesterday and always... my family who has loved and supported me through 22 long years of schooling, and finally got to watch me complete my doctorate...

One of my best friends Lauren and her husband Dan, who drove six hours to sit through a very long day of speeches, just to be there for me while I got my degree...

And of course Caroline. Who was my biggest motivation throughout the second half of this really difficult program. My mom handed her to me as I marched out of the convention center with the other graduates, and I carried her through the receiving line of faculty and VIPs, in her little lilac dress. She put her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder and I whispered to her that mommy was a dentist now, that I did it for her. She said "Mommy dentist? Happy 'wation, mommy." (Which I assume meant "graduation", and my mother taught her to say.)

She is only two, but I think she is proud of me. I know, for sure, that I am proud of myself.

Allow me a moment of what I hope is more pride than conceit... I have been through so much over the past year and there were so many times when I wanted to lie down and quit or give up. But I did not. I kept going and I didn't just finish this program, I did well, and I stayed true to myself and the things that I always knew that I wanted. I hope I have set an example for my daughter when she is old enough to understand what I did for myself and for her.

And I hope that if you read this and you are a mother, or a single mother, like me, and you are in school or are thinking about going back... that you believe that it's not what so many of my classmates say, that they don't know how I could ever do it when I had someone else's life to put before my own. She was not an obstacle to this achievement, but my biggest motivator and the single most important reason that I never lost sight of my goal.

I once was afraid that because I got pregnant halfway through school, my career was over. But it wasn't that way. I can have both. Now I have my DMD, and I have my daughter. I am so happy, proud and content. There is nothing more that I need.

And to everyone who has ever asked me how I could do it with her, I guess I would say that the real question is, how could I ever have done it without her?

Butterfly, Flutterby

Caroline's second birthday party was last weekend! It was butterfly-themed. Here are a few pics for your enjoyment... I didn't go all-out decorating like I did last year, but I did have boards the next day so that's my excuse. We all had a great time!

I'm two and I'm ready to party! And my mom's living room is a mess!

Cupcake #1: 10:00am. Just wasn't worth the tantrum. Few things are, to me, honestly.

Caroline and Papa (my dad).

She got a whoooole lot of presents... and a whooooole lot of Play Doh.

We had a butterfly pinata full of candy, which was especially popular with the dental students/dentists who were present... ironic?

Mom, why are you trying to BURN ME?!

There you have it... the butterfly party. Some year she will have a party that isn't some kind of bug theme. I guess I figure I'd better get in a bunch of non-pink-princess parties while I still can!

She's two!

I can't believe it, but my baby girl is two years old today.

I have her for her birthday weekend, which makes me very happy. I'm having her party here at our place tomorrow (I'll be sure to post pics!). Unfortunately this weekend is pretty stressful since I have two more days of board exams on Monday and Tuesday and Caroline has been very sick for the past week with hand foot & mouth disease. But my mom has helped me a lot with the party planning so I think it should go pretty well.

Okay. Honestly? I'm in a really weird place these days and would like to post about it but I don't want to drag down her birthday post... so I'll just save it for another day.

Here's the birthday girl from a couple days ago, in my bed with all her stuffed animal friends gathered around her to make her feel better.

I had to miss a lot of school (and boards studying time) staying home because of her illness, but I have to admit that it's always nice to spend some lazy days at home with my girl. :)

Happy second birthday, Caroline!!

Overly personal statement

I've been struggling a little bit lately, hence the long absences between posts. Tyler's been away. Pretty much constantly since June. He's been home a few days here and there. Juggling school and Caroline all by myself has been... tiring. Tiring isn't the word, really. I'm drained. I'm falling behind on my paperwork, losing too much weight, and running on fumes. I know I can do it, and I don't have much longer to go until I get a little help. I'm just, you know. Struggling a little.

So, I'm trying to get things together for residency applications, because that's coming up quickly. I have to write a personal statement. I despise writing about myself for personal gain. It feels so fake. I sat here staring at the cursor blinking for the better part of the evening before writing this all in one go, without stopping. I can't put it in my applications. But I kind of wish I could. It sums up how I feel. If I can do this, if I can have enough of myself left over to still love what I'm doing, I deserve to get in wherever I want. And those bitches better take me.

----------------------------------------------------

I had a baby during dental school.

People don't do that. Well, women don't do that. I didn't mean to. She just happened. I found out right before part 1 of the national boards, and I cried every day for weeks. I thought I was losing my career. And my career meant everything to me.

I didn't know how I was going to do it. I didn't really think I could.

But I did. I am. I took a break for a year, after encountering some pregnancy complications and reevaluating some priorities. Leaving her and going back to school was the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it and I'm glad I did. I wanted to finish. I want to do this. I still want this more than anything.

More than almost anything.

In order to do this, in order to have a baby and raise her with very little help (due to my husband's long absences due to his job) during a demanding program, I had to reprioritize. Rearrange. Find a balance. Make things work. I couldn't be single-minded about my career anymore. And you know what? I think I'm better off for it. I love my daughter. I think she has made my conviction that I want to work in this field even stronger. If I could leave her at home to go back and finish what I started, and still love every single day of what I'm doing, well. It must be the right choice, right? It must be what I'm meant to do. If I can add this little person who requires so much love and attention to my life and still have enough left over to devote to my career and be happy with it every day, I must have chosen well for myself.

This is what I want to do. I still believe that, more than ever.

----------------------------------------------------

Even on days like today, when I'm totally exhausted and overwhelmed, I'm glad things happened the way they did. Sure, I still think about how the timing could have been better. But my motivation doesn't drag at times like my classmates'. I'm doing this for her. She needs me. And I'm so lucky to still be doing what I love.

She's pretty cute, too. That doesn't hurt.

And guess what? She took her first steps alone last weekend. I cried so many happy tears. I can't believe she's 18 months old. I know it's cliche, but really. Where does the time go?

Mishmash

Oh hai there. I haven’t posted in forever, so I have a lot of random things to say!

Caroline and I have been visiting Tyler and the in-laws in North Dakota for the past week and a half because I am on break from school. It’s always a nice vacation to head out to the middle of nowhere and just relax. We even went to the rodeo this year. I didn't even know that rodeos still existed before I married this man, by the way. Caroline was obsessed with all the horses. At one point during the day she was throwing a tantrum and I said “Caroline, use your words. Tell me what you want.” and she sniffled and said in a tiny voice “hoss”. I guess all those times I promised her a pony to get her to go to sleep are catching up to me. Crap.

We are struggling with sleep these days… both of us. Her crib was in the same room as us in North Dakota, so she kept waking up and seeing us and wanting to play. Now that she and I are home, she still thinks it should be party time around 2am. I was so tired last night that at 8pm I thought “well, it’s 10pm in North Dakota, so I should probably go to bed early” and then I laid there and laid there and couldn’t sleep, and finally realized that actually I can’t do simple math and it was only 6pm in North Dakota. But by then it was 10pm here so I just stayed in bed anyway. What a boring night. The scary thing is, I’ll be able to write prescriptions for people that involve numbers in just 10 short months. Shhh, it’s fine. Don’t be afraid.

Caroline still isn’t walking, although she loves to hold onto our hands and walk. (She holds her hands up and says “awk! Awk!”) So things are improving in that department. I am for real going to suckerpunch the next person who asks if she’s walking, though. Getting pretty sick of answering that question and hearing the inevitable “wait, how old is she again?” I think I will respond next time with “how old are YOU again?” and see how awkward I can make things.

What else? She is doing a long list of hilarious things. She has so many words now that I have stopped keeping track. She brings me a tissue and says “boogies” when her nose is running. She begs to go “ah-side” and “up, up, up!” She brings us her toothbrush and sternly tells us to “open”. She pokes us in the eye (hard) and explains “eye”. She can name most of her body parts and lots of animals and animal noises. She loves to snuggle and give kisses.

So, I go back to school on Monday. It was a perfect amount of time to be free. I am ready to get back in there and keep being productive, even if it does start my long summer of single-mom’ing it. I've got to get going on my summer checklist, though... so far, the only things I've done are the girls' night (Chicaghoes FO LYFE) and the spa treatments, which were glorious, thank you for asking. Maybe Caroline and I will go to the farmer's market tomorrow, if it isn't so ungodly hot outside!

Hope you're all having fantastic summers!

Well, frick.

Caroline's early intervention appointment was on Friday. We had different people than last time. Nicer people. They always send a physical therapist and a speech therapist. The physical therapist was this girl who couldn't have been older than 23 or so, and she was super nice and cute and Caroline seemed to like her a lot. So I hope we get her from now on. Because Caroline qualifies for physical therapy, which means she is under the 3rd percentile, a.k.a. "severely delayed".

Frick.

(I used to use the actual f-word all over the place here and everywhere, but I am trying to watch my potty mouth since I am now a mom of a toddler and all, even if she doesn't actually "toddle". A toddler who gleefully repeats any kind of dirty word as if she senses that she is not supposed to be saying it and neither am I.)

Anyway, she qualifies. Technically that is good news. There is no denying that we need some help, because there is no way she will be walking by 18 months without it. It's also good news that gross motor is the only area of concern. Once you get into two or more areas, you start having to worry that there are bigger developmental problems lurking around.

I try not to read about what she should be doing because it makes me get all uptight and worried and batshitcrazy (oops, sorry, I had to), so I am not sure exactly what level she is really functioning at. But I will just say that she can pull up to her knees but not her feet, is not at all interested in standing with help (her knees buckle), and it's only been within the past two weeks that we would go into her room to find her sitting in her crib, or in any position other than lying flat on her back.

It sucked to hear that she is so delayed. I try not to feel like it means that I've done something wrong, or not done enough for her somehow, but I can't help but let those thoughts sneak in. I'm also a little irritated with her pediatricians, because every time I ask about it at visits, they push on her legs and bend her knees and stuff and say that her muscle tone is fine. But the physical therapist said she is low tone, and I know another physical therapist who agrees, and she certainly doesn't bear weight on her legs very well, so you tell me.

I'm all about the run on sentences, tonight. It keeps me from swearing like a trucker. Sorry if this is unreadable. I'm still a little upset.

I just have to keep repeating to myself, this is good, she needs the help, and we are getting it. That's what really matters. She's going to be fine. It's just the one area. We are doing everything right.

So we'll be seeing a physical therapist once a week for 45 minutes. It sounds like a good program. Connecticut's program charges fees on a sliding scale, which means we won't go broke, and they will even come to daycare to work with her, which means I won't get kicked out of school for missing a day every week.

This is good, she needs the help, this is going to be fine.

Oh... and I can't close the post without saying happy Mother's day to all you mamas out there!

Just GRADUATE already!

You guys, I saw the craziest patient that has ever existed this morning in the screening clinic. I desperately wish I could tell you the story. Sigh. I hate you, HIPAA. You ruin all my fun.

In other news, my former classmates are in their last week of school right now. I am so jealous that it's kind of obscene. I know, I know, I had that wonderful year off and I have my beautiful baby. But listening to them talk about senior week events and graduation and where they're going next year and how they're done with all the bullshit of dental school is pretty much killing me. I was supposed to be graduating now, too. I'm supposed to be Dr. L in a few weeks. But I'm still just Julia, with a crapton of work ahead of me for the next year, and it'll be without all my friends around to commiserate with.

It'll be fine, I know. But even though I'm going to miss them all, I'm at the point where I'm ready for them to just graduate already. I don't want to be reminded of where I "should" be or wonder what life would be like if I had somehow managed to stay in my old class. I just want them all to get outta there so I can keep plugging along and not wish I were them.

Okay, I needed to get that out of my system. Thanks.

Caroline is doing pretty well these days. Well, to be honest, she's kind of in one of those phases where you repeatedly tell yourself "this too shall pass". This is the golden rule with babies/kids, I am finding. Just when you think you can't take another minute of the whining and crying and temper-tantrum-throwing and clinging, the tooth pops through or the chest cough heals and you have your sweet baby back. I know this will be just like the rest of those times and it will end, but for now I am tired.

The gross motor stuff is the same as ever, so we are having birth to three come to our place this Friday to do another evaluation. Part of me hopes that she will qualify for PT just so we can get some help (I really can't see her walking by 18 months), but another part of me hopes they smile and tell me she's perfect and everything is fine. Not pulling up by 15 months isn't a great sign, but a mama can dream, right?

Hmm, this post is kind of a downer on all counts. Oh well. Can't win them all. Here's hoping for a more positive one after Caroline's EI evaluation on Friday!

Milestone anxiety

Sometime shortly after Caroline was born, I signed up for about a bajillion baby development emails. You know the ones I mean—your baby week by week, your x-week-old, or whatever. When they showed up in my inbox, I’d read them with a tinge of anxiety, checking up on where Caroline “should be”. I’d watch her during playtime, looking for milestones, or signs that she was about to reach them. Was that roll-over on purpose, or just a lucky accident? Is she lifting herself up enough during tummy time? Oh no… am I giving her enough tummy time? IS SHE GOING TO YALE OR ISN’T SHE?! I’ve got to tell you, I worry way more about this than I ever thought I would.

But it isn’t just me. The moms’ message board I post on is always consumed by posts about development and milestones. And those baby newsletters have to be fueled by some kind of demand, right? We all want to know whether or not our babies are on track, or “normal”.

For us, it’s turned out to be kind of a mixed bag. Caroline’s gross motor skills have always been a little behind. She was diagnosed with a mild gross motor delay at 9 months, and now that she’s a year and still not really crawling and definitely not pulling up or sitting up, it’s more of a full-fledged gross motor delay. We’re in the process of getting early intervention back out to our apartment for a follow-up evaluation, since she didn’t quite qualify for physical therapy at her 9 month visit.

The girl talks, though, like crazy. I hear that’s usually how it goes… if they have one type of delay, they make up for it in another area. When you have to watch what you say around your 12.5 month-old for fear she might repeat it (need I remind you of “ohshish”?), you know you are in trouble. I admit that I now shut off the radio when I pick her up from daycare for fear that her new favorite word will be “crunk”, or worse.

Anyway. It’s hard, when you go to daycare and you see babies months younger than yours walking around, and yours is still pushing herself around backwards on her belly. It makes me a little sad when I see or hear about other babies playing in ways that she can’t, and won’t be able to for a long time. It makes you wonder what you’re doing wrong. And I feel like even if she hadn’t turned out to have a delay, I’d still have been just as anxious about it.

It doesn’t help that when I saw one of Caroline’s pediatricians for a sick visit and mentioned my worries about her lack of sitting and pulling up, he asked, “were you and your husband also slow?” Uhhh… thanks for your sensitivity there, doc. I learned tact in med school. Why didn’t you?

But what I’ve come to terms with is this: that other baby in daycare isn’t better than my baby because he walks and mine doesn’t. His mom isn’t a better mother than me because my baby has a delay and hers doesn’t. It doesn’t mean anything, really. She’ll walk when she’s ready to. And if she doesn’t walk, for whatever reason, that’s okay too. She is who she is, and I love her regardless.

So now when those baby development emails show up in my inbox, I just delete them without reading them. (Someday I will get up the motivation to unsubscribe.) As long as we are taking appropriate steps to monitor her development and help her with her delays, that’s all I need to know.

Ladybug, ladybug

We had Caroline's first birthday party yesterday at my parents' house, with a ladybug theme. Here are a few pics. It went really well, and everyone seemed to have a great time!

Cupcakes, jellybean guessing game, and red and black licorice. I showed Caroline that bow after I made it and she clapped her hands for me. Ahh. I've trained her well.

This banner was theoretically easy to make. Unless you don't buy enough ribbon and have to cut it into pieces, and then the pieces all fall apart when you try to hang it, and then you beg your husband to go out and buy more ribbon at 8pm because you have to study for a final on Monday. And then you still don't have enough so you just hot-glue the whole thing together.

Me, getting ready for the party while Caroline took her pre-party nap (the nap timing worked out perfectly, which thrilled me)

Dining room table, before we set out the food. It was a brunch party, so we had three different quiches, an oven-baked French toast dish, a huge fruit salad, and assorted breads and pastries. YUM. Oh, and cupcakes for dessert, of course. Also, that Mylar ladybug balloon was by far Caroline's favorite part of the day. She would look at it and laugh hysterically, then do something else for a minute, then look back up at it and crack up again. And repeat endlessly.

Opening presents. Yesss, a book!!
You can't really tell, but her skirt was this adorable little black tulle thing with ruffles.

She loved this birthday card, more so than a lot of her presents.

Ditto for the wrapping paper:

One of her favorite gifts: a giant penguin, bigger than she is:

And finally, she wasn't a huge fan of cake, but at least she tried it! Look at those chub cheeks.

Overall, her first party was a big success. She bounced around maniacally from the sugar high for a little while afterwards, then passed out for hours... and woke up ready to play with all her new presents!

For my part, I did better than I expected. I thought I'd tear up at least while singing "happy birthday" to her, but I didn't. The only time I got a little teary was when I went out to put balloons on my parents' mailbox and thought about how many birthday parties I'd had as a little girl with balloons on the same mailbox. I am lame and cheesy like that.

Happy birthday, baby girl

Caroline turned one at 6:08am today. I cannot believe it.

This year has flown by faster than any other year of my life. I have been thinking all day about how far we've come. From this...

To this...

My little sick baby is now a big, happy, healthy girl. February 5, 2009 was full of mixed emotions (joy, excitement, fear, uncertainty). This February 5 had a lot of mixed emotions too (pride, happiness, nostalgia, sadness that my baby is growing up)... I have to say that I prefer this year's mix!

I miss my little teeny baby, but I love my life with my chatty toddler too. And I'm sure I'll just keep loving it more and more.

Happy birthday, Caroline! I love you so much, baby girl.

"Mama"

I have a lot of things to report, mostly because I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I was thinking today that I fear for my blog when I go back to school, because I've hardly found the time to write while I've been staying at home. And then I thought that I actually blogged more while I was in school, so maybe it won't die out after all. And then I thought that I should probably just go write a post since I am wasting all this time thinking about blogging.

First: Caroline's 9 month appointment. It wasn't fantastic. (Someday, I will be able to come on here and brag that we had an amazing appointment and it went perfectly and I did not have to spend the entire rest of the day on the phone trying to get specialist appointments. Unfortunately, that day was not last Friday.) The pediatrician decided that since she hasn't been at least trying to sit up, creep, crawl, or pull up to stand, she has a slight gross motor delay that we needed to get evaluated. She also is still making this loud raspy noise when she inhales due to her laryngomalacia (floppy airway-- common in preemies). She really should have outgrown this and her snoring by now, but since she hasn't, we need to get her in to see a pediatric ear/nose/throat specialist.

So, last week a teacher and a physical therapist from a Birth to Three program came to our apartment to check out Caroline's skillz. They said that she was fine in all areas except gross motor, in which she falls into the 16th percentile (for an 8 month old, her adjusted age). She didn't qualify for services, which was great news, but we need to really push the tummy time and call back if she isn't crawling in a couple more months.

I also set up an appointment with an ENT at the children's hospital for December 22. Sigh... we were just about to get released from the GI there and I was really looking forward to not going back. Oh well-- I will try not to complain as long as she doesn't need surgery, which is really the only treatment for laryngomalacia other than time. They'll do a scope to see what the problem is and to decide whether or not surgery will be necessary. I am trying very hard not to imagine my little baby knocked out on an operating table... or even sedated for a scope. Poor thing. And poor me, a little bit, because I am going to be a freaking basket case and no one needs to deal with that insanity.

Moving on.

Even though she may not be crawling, my baby has awesome communication skills :) She now signs "more", "milk", and "drink", and says "done", "all done", "dada", and... my favorite... "mama"!! Prepare yourself for extreme sappiness because this was seriously one of the highlights of my entire life. (Is that sad? I think it might be, a little, but nonetheless--)

This past weekend, Caroline was sitting in her highchair and eating while Tyler and I ate our lunches and talked to her. She was looking at him saying "da da da" and smiling, and I got jealous and said "Caroline, why don't you ever say 'mama' to me??" She looked right at me, reached out her arms, and said "ma ma ma!" I teared up and gave her a big hug. It was so sweet. Tyler said, "No, get her to say it again, she's going to get confused because you're crying!"

Sigh. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I am so in love with this chubby little thing and her silly parted hair.

(Edited) I forgot to add that yesterday was National Prematurity Awareness Day. Here's a link from the March of Dimes if you are interested in becoming more informed about prematurity and how to prevent preterm birth. Even late pretermers like Caroline can deal with health consequences months down the road. Hopefully soon, researchers will be able to determine more about the causes for premature birth, and more effective ways to prevent it.

A huge milestone

So, Caroline's 9th monthday is tomorrow. (Insert obligatory "I can't believe my baybeh is so big!!") And she still isn't crawling, or really mobile in any way. She scoots around a little on her butt, but that's it. I'm getting pretty tired of people asking if she is crawling and then looking disappointed/concerned/whatever when I say no.

I know that she will get there when she's ready, but it does worry me a little. She doesn't get herself into a sitting position either, and she still topples over once in awhile while she's sitting. My real concern is that I took terbutaline while pregnant with her, and I know that can cause gross motor delays. Sigh. Luckily we're seeing the pediatrician for her 9 month visit on Friday, so I can ask about it then.

BUT. LISTEN. Just yesterday, Caroline was chowing down on her lunch (an egg yolk omelette with peas and brown rice). She started to slow down and play with her food like she does when she gets full, and I said what I usually say at that point: "are you all done?" She looked up at me and yelled "done!!"

I squealed so loudly that the poor thing jumped and screwed up her face like she was going to cry. HER FIRST WORD!!! I scooped her up and whirled her around and praised her. I was so excited. I wasn't entirely sure that it was a real word... until dinnertime, when she did the same thing!

My baby is talking! Ahhh!!

This means she's a genius... right? (Humor me, people.)

It's a girl!

Caroline Anne was born this morning at 6:08am. She was exactly one month early, weighs 7 lbs (big for her age!), measures 18 inches, and shares a birthday with her cousin. We are so happy and proud. I'll be posting my birth story and pics soon. She is in the special care nursery for a few days due to some breathing problems because she was early. It doesn't look like she'll be released when I am, but she should be just fine.

More pics to come soon, and the birth story, I promise! I'm too exhausted to do any of it now :)