...And in with the new

A couple of my college girlfriends came to visit me over the last couple of days (which was so much fun!), but now they are gone and I am here alone again with a lot of time on my hands to think... I wish Tyler would come back from New Zealand.

Anyway, here's what's going through my head...

It's 2009, finally and already. I spent the last few minutes of 2008 lying in bed in the dark with my hands on my belly, feeling the baby roll around in there, and thinking about how one year ago I never, ever thought I'd be where I am. My life was so incredibly different last New Year's. I was just married, and dental school was mostly what took up my time and energy-- I was still in med school classes then. We lived in our old apartment. Babies were the last thing on our minds.

In 2008, I finished med school, we went to the Bahamas and Peru, I took the boards, I found out I was pregnant, we accepted the fact that I was pregnant, and we got excited and got ready. We moved. I developed complications and I left school temporarily. One year later, I feel like I'm a totally different person, or at least I'm in a totally different place-- I'm not even in school, and we're about to be responsible for this little person for a really, really long time, and I'm just as terrified as I ever was that I'm going to screw it all up.

I mean, in theory, I pretty much know what's in store for me in 2009: have the baby, figure out how to be a parent somehow, get to know our baby, go back to school to finish my degree. (Or at least go back by next January... that still hasn't been decided since the dean won't get back to me.) But really, who knows? I thought I knew exactly what 2008 was going to be like. Hell, I thought I knew exactly what the next 5 or 10 years were going to be like. But I had no idea what was coming, and I guess you never really do.

I don't mean for this to sound all melodramatic and depressing, because that isn't at all how I feel. I'm excited and grateful for our baby, even if I'm kind of nervous about how I'll handle things. My main worry is that I won't achieve my goals when it comes to my career, because even though I'm very motivated to go back and finish up (and then start working, because staying at home full-time has never been something I wanted to do), I feel scared that it won't happen, because if there's anything 2008 has taught me, it's that your life isn't necessarily always in your own hands. Is this new person, who we are somehow already in love with even though we've never met him or her, going to make me change my mind? I do still want to be a dentist so badly...

Anyway, I watched the clock click past midnight and hugged my belly and told the baby "I can't wait to meet you this year" before going to sleep. Whatever happens, I know that if we do things out of love, it will all work out. Now if Tyler would just come home...