Drumroll, please

I told my parents about the baby yesterday. I had been planning to go home since my little brother would be home from college, I knew they'd wonder why I was dry-heaving all over the place (lovely), and I felt uncomfortable keeping it from them anyway. Besides, with Tyler gone, I'm going to need their support whatever happens.

To understand why I was so nervous to tell them, you have to understand that when Tyler and I got engaged, they were not supportive at first. They felt that 22 was too young. I can see their point (and I could see it then), but it really hurt that they weren't excited for me at the time. So with this news, I'm already scared out of my mind, and I just didn't feel like I could deal with a lecture about how I'm in school and what am I going to do now, or about safe sex or something like that.

I wanted to bring it up in a positive way, so I went out and bought two bibs-- one that said "I love grandma" and one that said "I love grandpa", and wrapped them up. Driving to their house was the longest hour of my life. I was so nervous, I just kept picturing their disappointed faces. The dry-heaving over the steering wheel was also... unpleasant. So I walked through the door, shrieked "I come bearing gifts!!" in a slightly possessed way (what? I was nervous) and shoved the gift bag in my dad's face.

He opened it and they stared at the bibs for a second, not saying anything. I said, my voice shaking and starting to cry, "I really, really need you guys to be supportive--" and they both jumped at me and hugged me really hard (ouch! boobs!) and they started crying. "Oh my God Julia-- congratulations-- this is such wonderful news-- we're going to be grandparents!! I can't believe this!!" My mom was gripping my shoulders and telling me with tears in her eyes that she had been so worried about us trying for years and going through fertility treatments with all sorts of frustration (because of my hormone problems and ovarian cysts, which in all fairness have been serious enough to warrant several trips to the ER). I was so shocked by their reaction that I just stood there shaking and crying. They just kept hugging me and yelling about how happy they were. I still can't really believe it, and I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

It was all they could talk about for the rest of the day. I told them all of my concerns about finances and school and they told me not to worry, that everything would be fine and that they were near enough to babysit all the time. My mom started telling me about her pregnancies (summary: morning sickness for 5 months... hope I didn't inherit that...) and my dad started downloading cheesy old songs off of iTunes. No joke. I think I'm still in shock.

So Tyler was just as relieved as I was to hear that they were so thrilled, and both of us feel a lot more relaxed about the pregnancy now. It's starting to feel more real to me-- I guess it's been a whole week, hasn't it? I am kind of worried, though, that I'll miscarry after I've gotten my parents so worked up about this, and that they'll be really upset. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in limbo, because I don't want to keep feeling scared and upset about the baby, but I don't want to get excited either (in case I lose it). I wish I just had my OB appointment now so that I could know if there's a heartbeat, so I could figure out how to feel. If I get excited and I lose it, that is going to spell a lot of misery for me because I know we won't try again for at least 2-3 years, and I don't want to be longing for a baby for all that time.

Anyway, today I am focusing only on my relief that my parents were so supportive. I stressed about it all week, and now I only wish I had told them sooner!

I am the luckiest, part 2

So I just checked out a 2-bedroom apartment with a washer and dryer that's just up the street from where we live now, in the same complex as one of my friends. And it is perfect and available on the perfect date! We can take "ownership" of it the day after Tyler gets back from ND, and the rent is only-- get this-- $9 more per month than we pay right now for our 1-bedroom. (Since we are both in school, they have a program that allows cheaper rent.) I can't believe that this is working out so perfectly! Ahhhhhh!!

Also, I checked out my health insurance benefits today (yes, I was going to look up fun stuff like nurseries and names, but I got sidetracked by the practical) and they also? Are awesome. I have one co-pay for my first prenatal visit and nothing after that, diagnostics and labs are 100% covered, and I have to pay an admission fee when I deliver-- that's it! Well, I'm sure I am missing some things (and who knows whether I'll have problems or need a C-section, etc.), so I need to get a more detailed coverage certificate and read it, but still. Amazing!

I am just so happy that this is all working out, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and do backflips. However, I can't do backflips, pregnant or not, and our current apartment is too small anyway. I can't wait to talk to Tyler tonight and tell him!

Let's focus on the good, shall we?

I am realizing that I really need to quit my bitching. Yes, this is going to be difficult for us, but we can handle it, and we definitely wanted kids eventually. This week has been a whirlwind for me, but I am finally settling down and accepting the situation. So, here are the things I am grateful for:

1. Today was my last day of class, and I definitely passed the two exams we had today. Now all I have to do is study for the boards, which at least I can do on my own time, in the privacy of my apartment, and with a trashcan next to me. And then I'll have two whole weeks off!
2. Even though I will have to take out more student loans than I usually do, we should not have to worry about money at all (until I have to pay them back, of course, but I'll be a dentist so that shouldn't be a huge problem). We've been so careful with our money that I have less than half the debt the rest of my classmates do, so at least we are starting off in a good place.
3. I have always exercised almost every day and I eat well, so I haven't really had to change my diet. I've cut out almost all sugar (and of course alcohol, sushi, etc.), which I know is going to be tough to maintain, but in general it's been easy to eat healthy since I have always done that anyway.
4. We can take an extra month to look for a bigger apartment (and Tyler will be back to help move) because the lady in our rental office took pity on me.
5. Even if my parents aren't happy about this at first, Tyler's parents will be completely, unbelievably thrilled. Also, my friends will always support me... and I know my family will too, once they get used to the idea.
6. I found a wonderful new OB (after being on hold while calling my school's health center for a half hour, I decided I needed to go elsewhere) who delivers babies practically down the street from where we live.
7. I have always worried about whether or not it would be difficult for us to conceive, given my ovarian cysts and irregular periods. Turns out that wasn't an issue! Also, I worried about waiting until I was almost 30 due to my extended education. Again, not an issue now.
8. I have an amazing husband who loves me and will love our child beyond belief. Our relationship was strong before this happened, and I have faith that it will only get stronger.

So, whatever happens in the next few weeks, everything will be fine. I am so relieved to be coming to terms with this so early-- I thought it would take me much longer. I am not quite at the excited stage yet, but now I am positive I will get there, and sooner than I imagined!

Apartments: this is all happening way too fast

Since we are unexpectedly expanding our family, we are probably going to need something a little bigger than our 700 sq ft 1-bedroom apartment. A washer and dryer would also be a plus. Unfortunately, I have to let our apartment complex know that we are moving out by Monday... but we don't have anywhere to move into yet, and I don't want to leave myself with only 30 days to find a place and move (while Tyler is gone, and I have to take the national boards on July 14)! I guess my family could help me, but I haven't told them about the pregnancy and I'm not planning to until we confirm a heartbeat-- my first appointment is July 18.

Soooo I went and talked to the office here today and they gave me these 3 options:

1) Notify them Monday that we're moving out and be out by July 31.

2) Extend our lease here for one month and be out by August 31 (Tyler would be back to help!).

3) Sign a new lease for 9 months instead of a year (the baby would be about 2 months old when we'd have to find a new place and move).

I have to study for two exams tomorrow, so I can't obsess over this right now, but I am thinking option 2 is the best. I have an appointment at another complex up the street for Saturday, and maybe they'll have something perfect for us that's available in August and then I can take that option... but I am probably dreaming because that would just work out too well. In case you haven't noticed I haven't had the best luck lately (see: unplanned pregnancy. Vomiting this morning for the first time before I've even finished my 5th week. ...That's about it but it seems like way too much to me.)

Anyway, if you've got any advice on the apartment situation, throw it this way...

So I might be a little unprepared

And as proof, I submit for your consideration a conversation with my best friend and her fiance last night (the one who's wedding I posted about the other day... I told her!! She is actually excited!!):

Me: I just feel really overwhelmed... I mean, I don't even know what kind of stuff babies need. And I have to submit my loan application this week so I have no idea what to incorporate into our budget.

Her: Well, I can help make you a list... here, we'll write it down. Okay: stroller. Carseat. Snuggly.

Me: Oooh, I got one! Pins with ducks on them!!

(Pause while they both look at me like they are considering a preemptive call to child services) Her: Are you going to do cloth diapers?

Me: What?

Her: Okay... I was thinking things more like bibs and diapers, but we can put duck pins on the list.

Me (weakly): Right. (I just remembered those duck pins from when my little brother was born... I don't know...)

Her: You know you're going to have to train Franklin (our dog) to stay off the bed now, right?

Me: What? Don't babies sleep in cribs?

Her: Well, yes, but they're on the bed with you sometimes. And I bet Franklin would eat it. (This is true-- Franklin is so attached to Tyler that he growls at me sometimes if I try to pick him up out of Tyler's lap. He is really going to hate a baby.)

(Pause while I silently panic at the thought of Franklin chowing down on our baby) Her: Okay, just calm down. We don't have to talk about this now.

AAAAAAHHHH!!! I have no idea what to do with a child!! Honestly, it hadn't even crossed my mind-- all I've been thinking about is school and money and giving up our lifestyle, etc. I haven't even thought about the fact that I've never changed a diaper, ever. Where are you supposed to learn all this stuff?? My friend knows because she was ten when her little brother was born, but I was three, and I've never babysat any kids younger than three or four. Is there some kind of class you can take? Should I start Googling, like, yesterday??

Okay, I need to settle down. I am going for my run now to zone out. But if anyone has any advice on where to find all this info that apparently everyone knows but me, that would be pretty sweet. Also, Mandy thank you so much for the info on toxo-- I actually did know that from my infectious disease class, but my knowledge on this stuff is pretty hit or miss, so if anyone thinks of anything I should know, please don't hesitate to post it or message me, because with dental school I have very little time to do research on this.

Dear uterus,

How are you, good? Good. We need to have a little chat. This new nausea and heartburn thing, well, I'm thinking it's a little premature. I have two exams Friday and the national board exam in about three weeks, so I'd really appreciate it if you could hold off on that kind of stuff. Let's face it, you're causing me more than a few problems lately, so early symptoms like this seem a little bit unfair. Okay. Good talk. Smooches. Love, Julia.

So I've been going on and on about how this has been affecting me emotionally (and financially, and academically...), and I haven't bored anyone yet with how it's affecting me physically. I noticed before I even took the test that I was peeing all the time (we're talking twice an hour), which is really unusual for me, but I figured I was just drinking a lot of water because it's hot out. Well. Now it's already to the point that I'm sitting in class and I think, "Hmm, I think I have to-- holy shit I'm going to pee my pants if I don't go NOW! NOW! NOW!!!" Also, I am always starving, except for this morning when my cereal felt slimy in my mouth and I couldn't finish it and then I got to clinic and felt horribly nauseous. It went away, but came back later when I was grocery shopping after class. If this is going to keep happening, it is going to be hard to keep it from my classmates, because three people this morning asked me why I looked so pale. Luckily we only have two days of class left, and then a month off to study for and take the boards.

Finally, smells are really bothering me. Like whoa. I went to feed my cat this morning and the smell of his dry food was absolutely overpowering and made me dry heave. He looked all disgustedly at me and I was like, okay Simba, sometimes I make dinner and you stand in front of it and scrape your paw like you're covering poop, so I think we're even.

This all seems rather early to me... from what I've read, none of it is supposed to start until about six weeks? I am only about five, I think (I am not sure). Anyone want to fill me in...? Maybe it's just anxiety? Because I definitely have, you know, a little bit of that going on.

Anyway. In clinic today (which was miserable, because it was my turn to have my teeth cleaned and whenever water touched the back of my throat I gagged), the guy in the operatory next to me asked the "patient" (another classmate) whether she had changes in her medical history from last time, and she yelled, "Yeah-- I got pregnant! HAHAHAHA!! I got pregnant!!" I gave her what must have been a mortified look because she said "Oh my God, Julia, I didn't really! That would suck so much!!" And then I said "Pardon me while I vomit in your lap." Okay, no, in real life I just made kind of a squeak noise. And then I forced myself to set my pointy dental tool down before I stabbed her in the eye.

So thanks again for being so supportive, ladies, it really helps when I have to face situations like that at school and I know what it's going to be like for me when I have to start telling people!

Update

Okay, finally time to write an update to my frantic post from yesterday. Stupid dental school, getting in the way of the important stuff... I told Tyler about the baby when he called last night. I had to wait until 10pm because he's busy until 8pm (mountain time) and anyway he had no idea that I was literally sitting on the couch and shaking, waiting for him to call.

Me: Hi honey, how was your day?

Tyler: Good, we found some really great...

Me (interrupting): Okay sorry I'm going to have to ruin your day. (Great lead-off, Julia. Way to start positively.) Um... I... I have to tell you something... and I just don't want you to be mad... I know this is my fault because I must have messed up somehow and I'm just so scared so please, please don't be angry with me. ... (gasping for air and starting to cry) I'm pregnant.

Long, dead silence where only noise is me struggling not to cry into the phone... Me: Please say something.

Tyler: Are you sure?

Me: Um, yes?

Another long silence... Tyler: Okay, we're going to work it out.

Thank GOD!! We talked about it for about an hour and, well, we are both scared stupid about this, and it's terrible timing, but we wanted kids once I was done with dental school anyway. I don't know why I was so terrified to tell him, I know that this will be more difficult for me than for him since he's done with classes and can do his research and dissertation on his own time, and besides he doesn't have to carry and deliver the baby. Part of me wishes he were thrilled, because that would make me feel better about it, but the reality is that we're not thrilled... we're just hoping to get there sooner rather than later.

What stinks (okay, one of the things that stinks) is that we're going to have to make a lot of big decisions within the next week, and I'm only like 5 weeks along so we don't know if I will miscarry. I have to submit my student loan application, and we have to sign our new lease (our apartment is barely big enough for us, let alone a child)... I don't know, I'm sure there are more things we have to do, but I am totally clueless about this because it just wasn't on my radar yet.

I stopped by my ob/gyn because she's at the hospital I go to school at, and they made me an appointment for July 31. I am a little confused about this... I thought at least they would give me a blood test to make sure I am pregnant? But apparently they just trust the home pregnancy tests and wait to take people until the first trimester screening. I have to admit that when the receptionist said the words "first trimester" I thought I was going to have a heart attack because I am still not used to this idea. Then when I was leaving she said "oh, and congratulations!!" and my first impulse was to kick her in the teeth, because I was wearing surgical blues and I look like I'm 16 and does this seem like a "congratulations" situation to you, lady?? I am hoping to be a little more gracious about this soon... anyway, it did make me feel a little better somehow. For some reason I feel like I'm in high school and everyone will judge me and look down on me and know that we didn't mean to have a child now. I can't even imagine telling my parents... oh, lord... let's not think about that now...

So, thank you all for your encouraging comments on my last post, because they also made me feel a lot better, especially the orthodontist (oh my GOD you have no idea how much better that made me feel, school-wise!!!). I am going to try as hard as I can to make this real in my head, so... without further ado, the "before" pic:

Great, I'm already a little bloated. Let the journey begin!